The lull after a storm

Whoa. The semester is over and I have posted only twice. This is such a shame since it has been the craziest five months of my life. So many crazy nights with my roomies, drama with David, drama with Andrew, and trying to graduate from nursing during it all. When I look back and reflect now that I am home for good, more than anything, I hope and pray that I am making the right decision. So let's review the events:

As I said in my last post, David has this addictive quality to him and it most definitely inhibited my ability to pursue a relationship with another person. So as a final plea to forget David and move on, I blocked his number and refused to talk to him no matter what. We had discussed it previously, and had both decided that being separate would be the best: for me, it would allow me to move on with other relationships. For him, it would allow him to pass college and not fail all his classes..again. Well, that plan did not work out so hot. David went absolutely crazy. He knocked on my door multiple times everyday, deflated my car tires, and stole things out of my car. I eventually tried to confront him about his pyschoitic behavior, at which point, he made threats and intimidated me. I was pissed. He thought he could just walk all over me without a conseqeunce? Well, I told the school. They made him move out of his dorm and forbade him from talking to me. If he did, he would be promptly kicked out of the school. At first, I was satisfied and pretty pleased with myself, but eventually, my cold exterior melted to expose a hurt little girl. It was the insult that I was used to coming from David, but this time it was worse, because he was so much scarier. I was hurt, because David had always represented a safe harbor, a safe space where I was protected in every sense of the word. He understood and knew every part of me and promised to be my guardian, my angel. I felt like he had spat on that image. The very person I would have trust with my life, was threatening to me hurt.
I was absolutely crushed, but I couldn't do anything about it. I missed him, yet hated him for betraying me in that way. In the end, it led to the demise of my relationship with Andrew. There were definitely other factors that went into the break up, but David was a major player. I would never admit that to Andrew, because it would break his heart. But I felt so conflicted about my ambivalence toward David that I needed to be boy free to try to figure it out.

So I took a risk, I called David. After a month of silence between us, I needed to speak with him. I felt like just hits presence would make everything make sense again. That together we could figure out where we went wrong. The call was probably one of the ballsiest things I have every done. I was hitting the ball into his court, and praying that he would receive it well. If he wanted to, he could have turned me into the school for contacting him and then I would have looked like a huge dumb-ass and would have been in trouble. Fortunately, he received it well, so I snuck over to his room. This was quite the feat considering we were forbidden to see each other, meaning that if we were caught be the right people, we were screwed. From there, David and I were together as much as Nursing would afford us for the next month or so. We had our ups and downs, but overall, we had a great time together. The reasons we weren't officially together were apparent throughout the experience, but I love him all the time.

And then it was over, and we had to say goodbye. This one had some true finality to it, which is probably why I cried so much..and then cried all the way back to Minnesota. Parts of me want to say "FUCK IT! stay at Dordt! Love David and live happily ever after!" But I know, that is not how it would go...there are too many wounds between us. So much history and so much hurt and issues that have yet to be resolved. At the end of the day, I just wish things could be different..I wish he could be different. My only comfort, when it is all said and done, is that I lived this semester by my heartstrings and nothing else. I loved passionately. Took chances. Lived on the crazy side. Snuck around. Made memories. I wouldn't take any of it back, and I KNOW that no matter what I do, it will turn out in the end. I just need to have faith..and goddamn patience (not bitter or anything :) Peace homes.