Chemistry is Key

Having not blogged in a good four months I might have to do a quick recap to capture the events:
1. Broke up with Kyle- Told him it was because of the distance...but that is not really the case. It was more: A. He is SMALL B. I just was not that into him

2. Still talked to Kyle AND David because i kinda had feelings for both.

3. David tweaked because i was talking to Kyle, made me fear for my personal safety, and I swore I would NEVER date him again...no matter what

4. I miss David. I still talk to Kyle, but I want David and no one else, in spite of everything that has happened.

5. My best friends have FORBIDDEN me from dating him again. So if i chose him, I lose them.

Now the question is: WHY is it so hard to me to let go of David? The boy has demonstrated over and over how inept he is in relationships: he can not cope effective, he has an anger problem, he cant handle me talking to any other guys, and he is immature in general. Who would want to be with that?
I do.
Why? I have pondered this one for a quite a while and the best answer I can find: chemistry.
I believe the only way I could realize how right David was was to be with someone who felt incredibly wrong. I spent some weekends with Kyle both as a dating couple and then just as friends over spring break. I went into those situations with an open heart and mind, but it is simply didnt happen. The feeling didnt come. But what is that feeling? What is that "it" factor that makes a person feel right?

When I boil it down and analyze it, as i am prone to do, it is about comfort. The "it" factor is when another person's arms feel like home no matter where you are or what you are doing. It is the peace that that person gives you. Not just peace in your safety, but internal peace that they LOVE you for everything you truly are under the surface. The "it" factor is found in the moments that you never will forget. The ones where you look into their eyes and see everything you have ever wanted. The is-this-real moments. David LOVED me, and i loved him back. I have never felt more adored in my entire life. And to this day, he declares undying love for me in spite of all our ups and downs.

I know I cant be with him right now. I would lose my closest friends and he is not ready to date, but GAHHH. The chemistry was insane. That has got to mean that it is right, right? That although it is not right right now, it will be someday. That someday, we will be together and it will be true love. The love that I have always dreamed of.

Ultimately, I refuse to give up on us. Our relationship is not perfect, but no relationship will be. There is soo much raw material there that could be produced into the most glorious creation. I just dont know if there is enough.

So with all these emotions in mind, this is the break down:
1. I love David. But we will not be together.
2. I am going to go home for summer and i will date other people. The only way to see if that feeling is uniquely felt only with Daivd is to try it out with other people.
3. I will siesta boys until summer to clear my mind and clense my soul.
4. When summer comes, Kyle and Andrew will be the top prospects. Two guys at once? This should be interesting.



"Speeding Cars"
by Imogen Heap

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago


it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Peace.