There is nothing quite so humbling as learning the true insignificance of your own existence. It is that moment of self-reflection in which a person looks back at the experiences and adventures that forms their life and realizes that they have not really done or seen anything beyond their bubble of home. Have I changed anyone's life? Have a saved someone? Have I marveled at life? Essentially, have I fulfilled my purpose?
I am so sick of feeling stuck in my own life. I want to do and see so many great things, but i am petrified to try. For the first time in my life, I truly have to power to direct my own destiny, but my too afraid to take a chance. For the past several weeks, I have been vigorously job searching throughout the midwest looking for possible RN positions. Every search leaves me horribly disheartened. They all want at least a year of experience or a BSN..neither of which I possess. Nursing is supposed have so many opportunities, but yet here I am struggling to find a position.
The fear comes in when I consider moving away from home. I have found jobs in other cities, but they are far away from Minnesota. I would LOVE to go to a new city and start fresh, but I am scared to do it alone. What if I get there and can only think about home? There is nothing worse than feeling alone and scared shitless. The first year you are a nurse is supposed to be the most stressful and belittling experience. There is a very steep learning curve in the first year, which leaves most new nurses feeling like they are completely incompetent. I don't know if I will be able to handle it, let alone in a new city. But at the same time, I don't think staying in my comfort zone is necessarily right either. Maybe I just need to be brave this time.
But that is the struggle: what is the different between settling and being smart? I don't want to look back at my life and wish that I had taken a leap when I had the chance.
blahhhhhh. I hate this. period.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
David, Andrew, Repeat.
David is about as inconsistant as they get; however, I can always depend on one thing with him. That when things were going good, they will never go good for long. Meaning that even though things are all love and devotion at the moment, they can flip within the hour.
As we had decided, we did not talk during the beginning of Christmas Break. We both knew that we needed to grow apart to ever have a prayer in heaven of things working out in the long run. Because the truth is that I love him. However wrong and messed up that is..I do. I left Dordt hoping that if I just gave him four or five years, he would grow up and figure his life out. I have so little confidence in his ability to proritize and be responsible that I thought seeing him graduate from college and hold down a full-time job would inspire some confidence in him.
I cried for weeks and weeks. Absolutely heartbroken, in a way I hadn't been since I was sixteen. Some might not understand it, but I think my relationship with him is almost worst than a normal break up. I have been involved with him for near two years with so many break ups and make ups. The emotional investment was so great that finally seeing it fail for good was devastating. Its like watching a loved one titter on the brink of death for a year straight. Standing through the emotional roller coaster of encouragement followed by disappointment time after time and then finally watching them die unexpectedly after all that effort had been put into saving them.
David finally broken the silence on Christmas Day by wishing me a Merry Christmas. I can honestly say that I have never been so happy to receive a simple text. Who knew a holiday tiding could evoke such tears? From then on, we talked pretty regularly. Texting and calling casual almost every day. As always, we were flirty and acted like we were together..we don't really know how to do it any other way. But like I mentioned before, the good times were short lived. Throughout this time, I was also spending alot of time with Andrew. David had been seeing another girl, too, so it was understood that being with other people was okay. David was clearly bugged by me seeing Andrew, and eventually that turned into him demanding that I not hang out with other guys and never drink again. And why, in his mind, was it okay to ask this things of me? Because I am his "future wife" and those are not things that he wants his girl to be doing.
Clearly, I thought these requests were rediculous. There is NO garentee that even if we did get back together than then relationship would work; therefore, if i complied to his request, I would be waiting around for YEARS, not dating, waiting for a relationship that may or may not work. Rediculous. And the drinking? He makes me sounds like a drunk. Yah, I had fun this past semester, but it was my last semester as a "kid" and I was twenty-one, so damnit, I'm gonna have a drink. After that conversation, I was once again reminded of how delusional, emotional, and irrational David Harold is. He finished the convo with: "goodbye, I don't want to talk to you for a long time". He beat me to the punch. I was right there with him.
Basically, I'm done. When I look at all the pro's and con's to being with him, the con's are simply too large and in important areas: maturity, emotional stability, self-confidence. These are things that can easily ruin a marriage, and at this point, that is what I need to aim for. I can not ride the fence in this relationship anymore. It has to be all in or all out from now on. If I can't marry the guy, I am out. Thank God I am at home now. I am taking my NCLEX in three days, and after that, only God knows were I will be. Minnesota? South Datoka? Wisconsin? Washington? Georgia? Anything is a possibility right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stay is Andrew. I had coffee with him around Thanksgiving time, and things went really well, so I came home for break hoping that we could get to know each other again, hoping that he had reformed some of his ways: less needy, less over the top, and less cocky. At first, everything was going good...except the cockiness. He was always saying ego-tripping comments, and it was driving me insane. There is NO bigger turn of than that. So eventually, I just straight up told him that he was cocky and that I was annoyed. Apparently, he was really unaware than he was doing it, and since that, it hasn't been an issue.
Since everything has ended with David, I am really considering giving Andrew a second chance. A major part of the reason I broke up with Andrew in October was because I felt like the chemistry between us wasn't right. When I compared it to the chemistry David and I had, it was below par by a long shot. But time and seeing that David is definitely not right for me in spite of the chemistry has shown me that maybe chemistry might take more time to develop in some relationships. David and I had two years to develop ours. I only gave Andrew a few months.
Over this break, I have also been reading a book called "On Love". The author is absolutely phenomenal and so insightful to the dynamics and realities of love and relationships. One of my favorite quotes from his book is this:
"My mistake was to confuse a destiny to love with a destiny to love a given person. It was the error of thinking that Chloe (his lover), rather than love, was inevitable.
I need to stop looking at my "true love" as a single, unique puzzle piece. Prince charming is completely in the eye of the beholder, meaning that love is learned, not miraculous found at first sight.
In the end, I am trying to learn to love what is good for me rather than solely listen to my heart. Andrew is responsible, kind, funny,affectionate, considerate, focused, mature, and he loves me. It is worth the effort to give him a chance again.
As we had decided, we did not talk during the beginning of Christmas Break. We both knew that we needed to grow apart to ever have a prayer in heaven of things working out in the long run. Because the truth is that I love him. However wrong and messed up that is..I do. I left Dordt hoping that if I just gave him four or five years, he would grow up and figure his life out. I have so little confidence in his ability to proritize and be responsible that I thought seeing him graduate from college and hold down a full-time job would inspire some confidence in him.
I cried for weeks and weeks. Absolutely heartbroken, in a way I hadn't been since I was sixteen. Some might not understand it, but I think my relationship with him is almost worst than a normal break up. I have been involved with him for near two years with so many break ups and make ups. The emotional investment was so great that finally seeing it fail for good was devastating. Its like watching a loved one titter on the brink of death for a year straight. Standing through the emotional roller coaster of encouragement followed by disappointment time after time and then finally watching them die unexpectedly after all that effort had been put into saving them.
David finally broken the silence on Christmas Day by wishing me a Merry Christmas. I can honestly say that I have never been so happy to receive a simple text. Who knew a holiday tiding could evoke such tears? From then on, we talked pretty regularly. Texting and calling casual almost every day. As always, we were flirty and acted like we were together..we don't really know how to do it any other way. But like I mentioned before, the good times were short lived. Throughout this time, I was also spending alot of time with Andrew. David had been seeing another girl, too, so it was understood that being with other people was okay. David was clearly bugged by me seeing Andrew, and eventually that turned into him demanding that I not hang out with other guys and never drink again. And why, in his mind, was it okay to ask this things of me? Because I am his "future wife" and those are not things that he wants his girl to be doing.
Clearly, I thought these requests were rediculous. There is NO garentee that even if we did get back together than then relationship would work; therefore, if i complied to his request, I would be waiting around for YEARS, not dating, waiting for a relationship that may or may not work. Rediculous. And the drinking? He makes me sounds like a drunk. Yah, I had fun this past semester, but it was my last semester as a "kid" and I was twenty-one, so damnit, I'm gonna have a drink. After that conversation, I was once again reminded of how delusional, emotional, and irrational David Harold is. He finished the convo with: "goodbye, I don't want to talk to you for a long time". He beat me to the punch. I was right there with him.
Basically, I'm done. When I look at all the pro's and con's to being with him, the con's are simply too large and in important areas: maturity, emotional stability, self-confidence. These are things that can easily ruin a marriage, and at this point, that is what I need to aim for. I can not ride the fence in this relationship anymore. It has to be all in or all out from now on. If I can't marry the guy, I am out. Thank God I am at home now. I am taking my NCLEX in three days, and after that, only God knows were I will be. Minnesota? South Datoka? Wisconsin? Washington? Georgia? Anything is a possibility right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stay is Andrew. I had coffee with him around Thanksgiving time, and things went really well, so I came home for break hoping that we could get to know each other again, hoping that he had reformed some of his ways: less needy, less over the top, and less cocky. At first, everything was going good...except the cockiness. He was always saying ego-tripping comments, and it was driving me insane. There is NO bigger turn of than that. So eventually, I just straight up told him that he was cocky and that I was annoyed. Apparently, he was really unaware than he was doing it, and since that, it hasn't been an issue.
Since everything has ended with David, I am really considering giving Andrew a second chance. A major part of the reason I broke up with Andrew in October was because I felt like the chemistry between us wasn't right. When I compared it to the chemistry David and I had, it was below par by a long shot. But time and seeing that David is definitely not right for me in spite of the chemistry has shown me that maybe chemistry might take more time to develop in some relationships. David and I had two years to develop ours. I only gave Andrew a few months.
Over this break, I have also been reading a book called "On Love". The author is absolutely phenomenal and so insightful to the dynamics and realities of love and relationships. One of my favorite quotes from his book is this:
"My mistake was to confuse a destiny to love with a destiny to love a given person. It was the error of thinking that Chloe (his lover), rather than love, was inevitable.
I need to stop looking at my "true love" as a single, unique puzzle piece. Prince charming is completely in the eye of the beholder, meaning that love is learned, not miraculous found at first sight.
In the end, I am trying to learn to love what is good for me rather than solely listen to my heart. Andrew is responsible, kind, funny,affectionate, considerate, focused, mature, and he loves me. It is worth the effort to give him a chance again.
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