decisions decisions

There is nothing quite so humbling as learning the true insignificance of your own existence. It is that moment of self-reflection in which a person looks back at the experiences and adventures that forms their life and realizes that they have not really done or seen anything beyond their bubble of home. Have I changed anyone's life? Have a saved someone? Have I marveled at life? Essentially, have I fulfilled my purpose?

I am so sick of feeling stuck in my own life. I want to do and see so many great things, but i am petrified to try. For the first time in my life, I truly have to power to direct my own destiny, but my too afraid to take a chance. For the past several weeks, I have been vigorously job searching throughout the midwest looking for possible RN positions. Every search leaves me horribly disheartened. They all want at least a year of experience or a BSN..neither of which I possess. Nursing is supposed have so many opportunities, but yet here I am struggling to find a position.

The fear comes in when I consider moving away from home. I have found jobs in other cities, but they are far away from Minnesota. I would LOVE to go to a new city and start fresh, but I am scared to do it alone. What if I get there and can only think about home? There is nothing worse than feeling alone and scared shitless. The first year you are a nurse is supposed to be the most stressful and belittling experience. There is a very steep learning curve in the first year, which leaves most new nurses feeling like they are completely incompetent. I don't know if I will be able to handle it, let alone in a new city. But at the same time, I don't think staying in my comfort zone is necessarily right either. Maybe I just need to be brave this time.

But that is the struggle: what is the different between settling and being smart? I don't want to look back at my life and wish that I had taken a leap when I had the chance.

blahhhhhh. I hate this. period.