My Love.
We took this picture before going out for Hattie's Birthday. The night might not have turning out the best, but its still a great memories. It was a learning experience: learning that alcohol is not the best way to have fun. Thankfully, Ty is still by my side. We are in this together. <3

Blahhh Day

Firstly, I am not a morning person, so starting work at 6:45 am is not really my thing. Especially with nursing as a career. It is amazing how overworked and understaffed hospitals are. It boogles my mind that safe care is given at all when nurses are stretched so thin. This makes me a nervous wreck. I am going to be an independently practicing nurse in six weeks, how am I, Mary Beth, EVER going to be able to juggle all this. I love being a nurse and would never take it back BUT it makes for a long long day. I am quickly learning that 7- 3:30 does not mean that at all..its more like 6:40 to 5 or 6, if your not mandated to stay until 7 or 8.

So long story short, I am soo tired; therefore, no workout for me tonight. I just want to be a pile and go to bed early.

The only not blah/tired thing about my day is Ty. I am so head over heels I am starting to scare myself. I have been with other guys and I've been in love, but never ever like this. Ty is different and in the best ways. For the first time since I was sixteen, I genuinely know that if a guy (Ty) wanted to, he could break my heart. I thought I loved David and kinda thought I loved Andrew, but now I KNOW i didn't. I never went crazy for them the way I do for Ty. Looking back, I think I thought I loved them, because they loved me (if that makes sense). Meaning, their affection and passion for me, made me be attracted to them. My feelings were exclusively based on their over the top feelings for me, because being with someone who lives and breaths for you feels good. To be wanted feels good.

I wake up every day more in love with Ty and because of this, it absolutely kills me not being able to see him during the week. He hangs out with his friends alot, so most days I speak to him for twenty minutes tops. I have always hated long-distance relationships but Ty puts it on a whole other level. I have never wanted to come home to someone so much. I must be honeymooning like a bitch, or maybe this is the real deal. And the older I get, the more I yearn to have the "real deal". This week, I have been taking care of a mid-fifty year old male, who constantly has his wife by his side. They have been married for 31 years and when I asked him how he does it, he almost started crying as he said, "She's my best friend". You can see how much they love each other when they interact. They are both firecrackers, but when it is all said and done, they ooze devotion to each other. He is very very sick and you can see that she cares about him more than anything in the world. I want to have that. That even after 31 years together, the thought of not having them drives me crazy with anxiety and fear. I want to be in LOVE and never fall out of it.

Old Habits

I am one day away from completing my very first week of full-time employment. Although, this week was not an accurate view of what work life will be like (since I have sat in front of a computer for 90% of it), I am excited, yet incredibly stressed out.

MB's stressors:
1. I'm sick-meaning I can't workout, which makes me worried about gaining weight
2. My face is breaking out- Ty's number one turn off is acne and I see him in one day sweeeeet.
3. New job- the pressure of full RN responsibilities, trying to learn all this information in a very short amount of time, meeting a lot of important people and new coworkers.
4. Finances- I have not gotten a paycheck yet and my money reserve is slowly dwindling. I am sure I will be fine, but it still freaks me out. A part of me is afraid I will suck at my job and I will get fired and then I will be in big financial trouble.
5. School- I got accepted to Mankato State to finish my degree but today I realized that since I live in Iowa now, it is going to cost me double and I don't know if I will be able to save enough money to go without loans. I am not sure if I should stay at Mankato or try going to a school in Iowa, meaning I would have to go through the whole application process all over again.
6. Ty- I am always a little stressed about him. I love him so much, so not seeing him or talking to him very often a. makes me question his devotion (dumb) b. makes me crabby and sad because I am lonely. He always has friends and people around to do stuff with. I have Rufus.
7. Going home this weekend- Ty is meeting my parents and friends for the first time. I really want things to go well and my parents always make me nervous about bring guys home. They are very traditional and wary so there is a ton of pressure to impress them. And I hope Hattie likes him and he likes Hattie. We could have a problem if they dont get along.
8. Organizing my life- trying to figure out benefits for work and bills in my apartment are freaking me out because I have no idea what I am doing and I don't know if I am doing it right
9. Because of 1-8 my body is mad at me and I am having tons of IBS symptoms, which makes working in a quiet computer room all day a problem.

...in summary, I feel like I have a lot on my plate. It might not be that bad, but I am alone. I don't have anyone here to tell me that it is going to be okay. Ty would but he isn't here to see me stressing and I don't want to bug him with it.

So that bad habit? Purging.
I have not purged in months, but for whatever reason tonight pushed me over the edge. As I sat worrying about all these things and trying to work them workout, I was mindlessly munching on whatever. I really didn't eat a ton or anything "bad" but nonetheless, I had the overwhelming urge to get rid of it, so I did. In those moments, I have the most ambivalent feelings. On one hand, I feel amazing like I am accomplishing something, because I am getting rid of it, but at the same time, I look in the mirror and I feel pathetic and broken. Thinking: "Really? This is how you chose to cope?". I know that its bad for me and does not really deal with the issue, but sometimes it just feels sooo good. I think its the fact that is relieves one of my stressors. I may not be able to control my finances, parents, or Ty in this moment, but I can "fix" my fear of gaining weight because I ate too much. I have lost 15 pounds since January and I feel so amazing...when I eat right. But things like stress and being sick makes me stray, which makes me very frustrated and depressed about myself. If I wouldn't have struggled with it in the past, I know I wouldn't be doing it, but its hard to break these habits when I'm presented with a similar situation to the one I was in when it initially started. Its how I coped then, so this is how I know how to cope now.

All of these makes me think of David. When I look back, it is amazing to me how I could not have seen how bad he was for me and to me. So many many things went horribly in my life when he was in it. I was open with David about purging and I think he only made it worse. Firstly, I really started doing it when I started dating him. Secondly, when I told him about it he pretty much poo-pooed it. Acting like it was not that bad. In fact, one time I told him that I felt like I needed to and he requested to watch. I let him. During it, he watched but he also showed me a better way to do it/ criticized my techique. Really? When your girlfriend is making herself vomit in front of you, you scoff and show her better? What an inabler. His selfishness awes me the more I think back on those days. He was so stuck in his own hurts and issues that the biggest issue in my life was not that big a deal in his eyes.

Purging is not the answer, but nights like tonight make me think that its going to be happening more often. These stressors are not going to go away. In fact, they will probably only get worse; therefore, my need to have even a small amount of control will also increase. I really really don't want to fall into this again, but I don't know what else to do.

ShitFest Weekend #2

I would hate to realize that the only reason I blog is to gripe about my life. There are so many amazing things I am thankful for, but recently, I feel like I just simply can not do anything right. Continuously fucking up my life.

The shitshow began with a bang thursday night. I went to Dordt to go to Thirsty Thursday with the girls. Ty was freaking out about it, because David was going to be on campus and pretty much every time I cheated on Andrew it was the deadly combo of alcohol and Dordt was involved. I really wanted to not get smashed, because I feel like that is what always happens on thursday nights. But from the first shot, I knew I was screwed. Seven shots later I went to the bar and the rest of the night is a blur. I don't remember how I got to the bar or what I did at the bar or even where I puked. All I know is I wasn't there long before I knew I needed to go home. I knew if I sat down or went to the bathroom, I would not get up. So I started to walk home...and called David to pick me up. As I literally stumbled down the road, David came. He picked me up, dropped me off, and that was it. No conversation, just business. I called Ty to tell him what happened. Unforunately, he decided to out go as well so when I called he was drunk and not very happy. I hung up on him and went to bed, because he was being stupid and I knew we were both too drunk to have a rational conversation. I passed out and woke up around 4 am a little sobered up, so I called Ty and tried to clear things up. He apologized about yelling, but I still felt like shit. I said I wasn't going to get drunk and I did. I said I would not see David and I did. Once again, I was the one who was messing up and asking for forgiveness.

Friday night: nothing special. Went to Buck's with Ty and his friend, but didn't have a drop of alcohol. Ty and I drove back to Sioux City and had a great night.

The Shitshow resumes on Saturday night. It was a friend of a friend's birthday and they were celebrating in Sioux City. The Dordt girls wanted me to come out, so Ty and I met them at the Firehouse and eventually moved with the group to 4th St. Bar. I hard five shots at home, so by the time I got to the bar Firehouse I was buzzing. At 4th St, I was offered two free drinks, so by the end of the night I was essentially wasted. The bar was really fun and I had a great time dancing with the girls and then with Ty. We didn't leave until close, so by the time we were going home I was exhausted and crabby as hell...and drunk. Its not the first time, but whenever I have that combination of elements, I turn into a kinda of mean person. Mostly because I'm crabby but don't have the sober word-filter to help me decide what is mean and what is not. Needless to say, I was mean to Ty the whole way home. When we got back, we started to hook up, but then I started bawling. Why? Because I was frustrated about not having sex and knowing that whoever I will be with will have had it and didn't wait like I did. Since, Ty is my boyfriend, the brunt of my frustration was taken out on him, because of his past with so many women. It was redicilous and I was a drunken asshole. So come morning, Ty is clearly not happy with me. Once again, I had gotten drunk and then I had turned into queen bitch.

Weekend apology totals:
Ty- zero
MB- two

why oh why oh why can't I just be a good girlfriend and stop messing everything up!? I am borderlined depressed right now. I feel so undeserving to be with Ty, because he never makes problems. He is only good to me and makes me happy. I highly doubt, he would say the same about me.