ShitFest Weekend #2

I would hate to realize that the only reason I blog is to gripe about my life. There are so many amazing things I am thankful for, but recently, I feel like I just simply can not do anything right. Continuously fucking up my life.

The shitshow began with a bang thursday night. I went to Dordt to go to Thirsty Thursday with the girls. Ty was freaking out about it, because David was going to be on campus and pretty much every time I cheated on Andrew it was the deadly combo of alcohol and Dordt was involved. I really wanted to not get smashed, because I feel like that is what always happens on thursday nights. But from the first shot, I knew I was screwed. Seven shots later I went to the bar and the rest of the night is a blur. I don't remember how I got to the bar or what I did at the bar or even where I puked. All I know is I wasn't there long before I knew I needed to go home. I knew if I sat down or went to the bathroom, I would not get up. So I started to walk home...and called David to pick me up. As I literally stumbled down the road, David came. He picked me up, dropped me off, and that was it. No conversation, just business. I called Ty to tell him what happened. Unforunately, he decided to out go as well so when I called he was drunk and not very happy. I hung up on him and went to bed, because he was being stupid and I knew we were both too drunk to have a rational conversation. I passed out and woke up around 4 am a little sobered up, so I called Ty and tried to clear things up. He apologized about yelling, but I still felt like shit. I said I wasn't going to get drunk and I did. I said I would not see David and I did. Once again, I was the one who was messing up and asking for forgiveness.

Friday night: nothing special. Went to Buck's with Ty and his friend, but didn't have a drop of alcohol. Ty and I drove back to Sioux City and had a great night.

The Shitshow resumes on Saturday night. It was a friend of a friend's birthday and they were celebrating in Sioux City. The Dordt girls wanted me to come out, so Ty and I met them at the Firehouse and eventually moved with the group to 4th St. Bar. I hard five shots at home, so by the time I got to the bar Firehouse I was buzzing. At 4th St, I was offered two free drinks, so by the end of the night I was essentially wasted. The bar was really fun and I had a great time dancing with the girls and then with Ty. We didn't leave until close, so by the time we were going home I was exhausted and crabby as hell...and drunk. Its not the first time, but whenever I have that combination of elements, I turn into a kinda of mean person. Mostly because I'm crabby but don't have the sober word-filter to help me decide what is mean and what is not. Needless to say, I was mean to Ty the whole way home. When we got back, we started to hook up, but then I started bawling. Why? Because I was frustrated about not having sex and knowing that whoever I will be with will have had it and didn't wait like I did. Since, Ty is my boyfriend, the brunt of my frustration was taken out on him, because of his past with so many women. It was redicilous and I was a drunken asshole. So come morning, Ty is clearly not happy with me. Once again, I had gotten drunk and then I had turned into queen bitch.

Weekend apology totals:
Ty- zero
MB- two

why oh why oh why can't I just be a good girlfriend and stop messing everything up!? I am borderlined depressed right now. I feel so undeserving to be with Ty, because he never makes problems. He is only good to me and makes me happy. I highly doubt, he would say the same about me.