I can't stop binging and purging. I don't think a week as gone by since I moved to Sioux City where I have not at least once. Its so frustrating, because I know it is bad for me, yet I continue to do it anyways. I don't know what draws me to it, but the oddly fulfilling feeling it gives me drives me to do it again..again...again.
I feel like I will NEVER to able to put this habit to rest. I can't escape it.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Missing Piece.
Over the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with focusing my life , which results in anxiety,feeling unbalance and unsure of myself. Work is very stress and when I have no other coping mechanism, I eat. This makes my relationship with Ty suffer, because I start to back out of plans and lose faith in our relationship (the whole "Im not good enough" thought process).
I CAN NOT GO BACK TO THIS.
I have worked SOO hard in the past few months to get my body under control and I do not want it to slip away from me now. And beyond that, when I am eating poorly the rest of my life suffers even more so than it does normally. Basically, I am trying to find my footings here in my new reality and it is really hard. I hate waking up and feeling depressed and empty. I have no reason to be! I have a fulfilling job, an apartment to myself, food, friends, and loving family and boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more I know that GOD is the missing thing in the picture. Everything seems so meaningless without him there. I know if I would simply put my trust in him, so much of my worrying would go away: my work stress, my relationship stress, my body stress. He gives me so much peace, but I have definitely fallen away from that in the past year. I need to befriend Jesus again, because I can't do this alone.
I want to be happy, and I can not find that in work or Ty. It only can come from Jesus. I am starting a bible study tomorrow. Things have got to change.
I CAN NOT GO BACK TO THIS.
I have worked SOO hard in the past few months to get my body under control and I do not want it to slip away from me now. And beyond that, when I am eating poorly the rest of my life suffers even more so than it does normally. Basically, I am trying to find my footings here in my new reality and it is really hard. I hate waking up and feeling depressed and empty. I have no reason to be! I have a fulfilling job, an apartment to myself, food, friends, and loving family and boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more I know that GOD is the missing thing in the picture. Everything seems so meaningless without him there. I know if I would simply put my trust in him, so much of my worrying would go away: my work stress, my relationship stress, my body stress. He gives me so much peace, but I have definitely fallen away from that in the past year. I need to befriend Jesus again, because I can't do this alone.
I want to be happy, and I can not find that in work or Ty. It only can come from Jesus. I am starting a bible study tomorrow. Things have got to change.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Growing Up :)
Because of my career, the standard 9-5 M-F schedule does not really work. This explains why, on a wednesday, I am camped out on Ty's bed while he is at work. My schedule is essentially three days on, two off, four on, two off, etc. So that makes little "weekends" in the middle of the week sometimes. Which is nice, since that gives me more oppertunities to see Ty.
Firstly, I LOVE MY JOB. I am really stressed out and have had some trouble sleeping, but working is amazing. I love being with the patients and learning so many new things everyday. AND i got my first big girl paycheck today! 921.00. Decent? It sucks that taxes takes like $300. It really freaks me out trying to budget my expensives. I'm afraid that I will predict wrong and be surprisingly broke. My next big purchase is a TV (approx $400), so I think I will wait for my next paycheck before I buy. But generally speaking, in spite of the added stress, I am loving being on my own and working.
Besides my life going well, I am VERY happy to see some pleasant changes in Ty. They are not huge, but they are steps in the right direction and they show that his thought process is maturing and he is starting to value more important areas of his life.
I have mentioned before that Ty's maturity concerns me at times. He does not have a very well paying job yet refuses to go to school or find a job he can work up in the chain in. In the long run, this could be a major problem because Lord knows I do not want to be the sole breadwinner on a nurse's salary. Ty still is not planning on changing his job BUT there are other small steps being made, which will hopefully eventually turn into a career change as well.
1. Drinking- In the past, drinking has been a huge part of his lifestyle and a huge expensive. Ty admitted the other day, that in the month after he was cheated on and broke up with Kaitlyn he spent over $1600 on booze (the same month that he was a whore and slept with 15 women)
SIDE NOTE: A few weeks ago, I finally put my foot down and demanded that he go get tested for STD's. It wasn't that he was unwilling to go, it was just embarassing. Forunately, April is STD awareness month so he was able to get all his testing for free (it can cost over $300!). And best of all, he is completely clean..even after all those girls. This news takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It makes me feel like we can finally let his past die and move on.
But even when he wasn't heartbroken over a cheating girlfriend, Ty drank and got drunk alot. Got kicked out of bars. Almost died in snowbanks. Drunk drove. Got fired from a job for being hung over. Drinking was his main companion and favorite activity. I have mentioned before that Ty wants to stop drinking. When he first said it I thought that he would for a while, but then go back but thats not whats happening. He legit does not want to drink any more. He likes to have a few but overwise, he stops. For the past few weekends he has willingly been the DD for all his friends and doesn't even mind. If there was a time for him to miss it, it would be when all his friends are doing it right in front of him, but he said he doesn't miss it at all. This is a huge relief to me, because
a. I don't have to worry about him getting hurt or in trouble anymore. Its amazing to me that he does not have a DUI and thank god, because if he did, he would probably never get to work with children again and it would be alot harder for him to get a job.
b. Its one less expense for him. He is trying really hard to make this whole childcare job work, but it is difficult when he gets paid so little.
c. Its a sign of maturity- he is putting the party lifestyle to rest and not because someone ( or I) told him to, its because he wants to. When I asked him why he was doing it he said:" I am just not in that mindset anymore. I want to get married someday and have kids and a family. I don't want to party".
2. Earrings- okay so this one is not that big a deal, but it still says something. Last night, Ty played softball on a team with a bunch of buddies. He took out his earrings before the game and when I gave them back to him on the ride home, he said that he didn't think he wanted to put them back in. I asked why and he said he wore them to be hotter but now it really doesn't matter. This decision just gives more support to his no alcohol one. Let's be honest, boys wearing earring stamps "punk"/ "douchbag" on their foreheads. Are earrings hott? Yes. I think they are hott as hell, but they definitely put you in the bad boy, party category, which can leave a bad impression on some. And he doesn't want them anymore :) He doesn't want to be that guy and I am so proud of him.
The biggest triumph in all of this is that I never said a word to him about this stuff. He thought about it and wanted to do it by himself. It makes me so unbelievably happy because his maturity and ability to be responsible is the ONLY thing I am ever worried about with him. I love him dearly, I trust him to be faithful without a doubt, we are front similar background and have similar values..plus ten million other things I love about him. It is awesome to see the only question mark start to resolve itself. I already told Ty that if we were ever to get married and I would have to date him for at least two years. This is why when the maturity bit was in question, I was okay with it. People can change alot in two year. It is amazing to see things already starting to turn around in the first few months of dating. I love this boy.
Firstly, I LOVE MY JOB. I am really stressed out and have had some trouble sleeping, but working is amazing. I love being with the patients and learning so many new things everyday. AND i got my first big girl paycheck today! 921.00. Decent? It sucks that taxes takes like $300. It really freaks me out trying to budget my expensives. I'm afraid that I will predict wrong and be surprisingly broke. My next big purchase is a TV (approx $400), so I think I will wait for my next paycheck before I buy. But generally speaking, in spite of the added stress, I am loving being on my own and working.
Besides my life going well, I am VERY happy to see some pleasant changes in Ty. They are not huge, but they are steps in the right direction and they show that his thought process is maturing and he is starting to value more important areas of his life.
I have mentioned before that Ty's maturity concerns me at times. He does not have a very well paying job yet refuses to go to school or find a job he can work up in the chain in. In the long run, this could be a major problem because Lord knows I do not want to be the sole breadwinner on a nurse's salary. Ty still is not planning on changing his job BUT there are other small steps being made, which will hopefully eventually turn into a career change as well.
1. Drinking- In the past, drinking has been a huge part of his lifestyle and a huge expensive. Ty admitted the other day, that in the month after he was cheated on and broke up with Kaitlyn he spent over $1600 on booze (the same month that he was a whore and slept with 15 women)
SIDE NOTE: A few weeks ago, I finally put my foot down and demanded that he go get tested for STD's. It wasn't that he was unwilling to go, it was just embarassing. Forunately, April is STD awareness month so he was able to get all his testing for free (it can cost over $300!). And best of all, he is completely clean..even after all those girls. This news takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It makes me feel like we can finally let his past die and move on.
But even when he wasn't heartbroken over a cheating girlfriend, Ty drank and got drunk alot. Got kicked out of bars. Almost died in snowbanks. Drunk drove. Got fired from a job for being hung over. Drinking was his main companion and favorite activity. I have mentioned before that Ty wants to stop drinking. When he first said it I thought that he would for a while, but then go back but thats not whats happening. He legit does not want to drink any more. He likes to have a few but overwise, he stops. For the past few weekends he has willingly been the DD for all his friends and doesn't even mind. If there was a time for him to miss it, it would be when all his friends are doing it right in front of him, but he said he doesn't miss it at all. This is a huge relief to me, because
a. I don't have to worry about him getting hurt or in trouble anymore. Its amazing to me that he does not have a DUI and thank god, because if he did, he would probably never get to work with children again and it would be alot harder for him to get a job.
b. Its one less expense for him. He is trying really hard to make this whole childcare job work, but it is difficult when he gets paid so little.
c. Its a sign of maturity- he is putting the party lifestyle to rest and not because someone ( or I) told him to, its because he wants to. When I asked him why he was doing it he said:" I am just not in that mindset anymore. I want to get married someday and have kids and a family. I don't want to party".
2. Earrings- okay so this one is not that big a deal, but it still says something. Last night, Ty played softball on a team with a bunch of buddies. He took out his earrings before the game and when I gave them back to him on the ride home, he said that he didn't think he wanted to put them back in. I asked why and he said he wore them to be hotter but now it really doesn't matter. This decision just gives more support to his no alcohol one. Let's be honest, boys wearing earring stamps "punk"/ "douchbag" on their foreheads. Are earrings hott? Yes. I think they are hott as hell, but they definitely put you in the bad boy, party category, which can leave a bad impression on some. And he doesn't want them anymore :) He doesn't want to be that guy and I am so proud of him.
The biggest triumph in all of this is that I never said a word to him about this stuff. He thought about it and wanted to do it by himself. It makes me so unbelievably happy because his maturity and ability to be responsible is the ONLY thing I am ever worried about with him. I love him dearly, I trust him to be faithful without a doubt, we are front similar background and have similar values..plus ten million other things I love about him. It is awesome to see the only question mark start to resolve itself. I already told Ty that if we were ever to get married and I would have to date him for at least two years. This is why when the maturity bit was in question, I was okay with it. People can change alot in two year. It is amazing to see things already starting to turn around in the first few months of dating. I love this boy.
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