Misplaced Trust

David has hurt me...many times over. Out of weakness or out of grace, I have always overlooked these shortcomings. But this is the final straw.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....

I will not be fooled again.

At least not by David. I have always been a private person. Call it pride if you will, but being humble enough to display my shortcomings and struggles to a mutlitude of people is not my thing. In fact, I believe very few people enjoy this act. I suppose it is out of self perservation, because in the end, my shortcomings and mistakes, will affect the way people think of me...essentially my reputation is at stake in these situations.

As I mentioned in the post before this, I have carried a huge burden with me for most of high school and it has continued to harm me as a college student. In high school, I NEVER talked about it to anyone. Out of shame, pride, and embarassment. When I started dating David, he begged me from the very beginning to talk to him about it, because he was open with me with his personal struggles. I resisted. I was so tightly coiled to protect myself that I did not want to say it. In addition, I did not think he would understand (which, he didnt at all by the way). Finally, after six months of dating, I opened up to him and told him about it.

Biggest mistake ever.
Only now am I realizing it. A few days ago, I was confronted by a good friend about purging. I admitted, only because she already knew it was truth. DAVID TOLD HER. I confronted him about it, because I did not want to assume the worse. but it was true. He had told. Not only her, but ALSO a counceling staff at Dordt. A. Fucking. Councelor. And what was his reasoning? "I only did it to protect you. You are hurting yourself".

What part of it-took-six-months-to-tell-you does he not get? I told him in the strictest of confidence. But no, he decided to take it into his own hands and decide for himself whether or not my secrets were worth keeping. I believe in nursing, they call that autonomy. Autonomy is a person's right to self determination. Their right to make their own decisions about their life. He completely violated that right. I am crushed. And now my relationship with that friend is weird. I cant act the same around her, because she nows and I know that she will always be thinking about it when she is around me, because it is such a vodooed topic in society. Eating disorders are not pretty, but at the same time, I am not at my worst. I am always getting better so them intervening now has absolutely NO role. They do not understand the nature of this struggle and i KNOW they are just assuming the worse. It is not like that at all.

So this is strike two for him:
1. He told my friends that I drink, "to protect me". I told him that it strict confidence.
2. He told the biggest secret I possess. The secret I have told one other person in the WHOLE world. Not even my best friend knows.


Surprisingly, this hurts worst of all. His violence was not even as bad as this. Trust is the basis of every relationship and he has broken that. He told the details of my life that I hold CLOSEST to my chest. Not trival things..the important things.

I dont know, if I can salvage the relationship after that. I might have to be done. We have not spoken since sunday...and I dont have an urge to talk to him..or forgive him.

I wonder how it is determined what a person's struggles will be..
some do drugs, some watch porn, some sleep around, some drink too much. some are not confident. some lie. some steal.
I guess some of it is personal choice but at the same time, I believe that some of it is just part of our souls, as if we are predisposed to be weak in the area we are assigned and no matter how fervently we try, this demon will haunt our lives to the day we die.

I discovered mine when I was 16 and now, four years later, I can not kick it. I hate waking up and facing it everyday. But I hate even more that more days than not, it wins. Sometimes, I feel like i am making progress..but then I regress. Continous hills and valleys.

It is part of the reason I want to go home so badly. When I am home, I feel like I am in my element...where i function best, which makes my demon retreat and gives me the strength to fight it.

But what do I do for the next thirty days? I am sick of wallowing here broken-hearted and exhausted by my struggle. The picture is of me at much happier times...I will be there again someday.

Weekly Drama Update

Where do I start after a week like this...
Perhaps with a little advice?

ADVICE: Dont be involved with more than one guy at a time..even it your not dating either of them. If there are strong emotions involved, stick to one.


I started off the week with a not so warm and fuzzy conversation with Kyle. After seeing for a while that things would not be working out, I had to finally tell him that there is no chance between us. In true Kyle fashion, he did his normal rejection rant:
" Thats it, why do I even try. There is something wrong with me"
"EVERYONE else has a girlfiend, I am so alone"
" I thought you were it. We had such GREAT moments with each other" ( "great times"?? We hung out like twice...and kissed like three times. There was no connect or chemistry AT ALL..so idk what he is talking about)
"I have NO ONE to talk to.."

In a nutshell, he acted like a heartbroken twelve year old..super impressive. In fact, hearing all that make me wanna run back to him (That statement drips with sarcasm fyi). His response was soo immature. Essentially, he bases the value of his existance on whether he is in a relationhip or not. He has no confidence in himself. No self worth that says to himself, " I am a good guy and I deserve the best girl. Just because I have not found her doesnt mean I am dysfunctional. It just means, I havent met her yet". He is a perfect example of the dependent guy. The type of guy who will take ANY girl, because he thinks he will never do better. What would motivate any girl to accept his advances? Any self-respecting girl wouldn't. What honor would that be?
I value myself. I believe I have great things to offer, and I want to be with someone who has weeding through the masses and picked me SPECIFICALLY because they appreciate what I bring to the table, for who I am. This attitude that Kyle has irks me. He has no direction, no ambition or goals. He choses to live a life of so limited dimensions: He works. He hangs out with friends. That is it. He has no hobbies. No passions. Nothing to occupy his time, not because he has to, but because he choses not to do anything with his life. I could never be with someone like that. I am such a strong-minded and passionate person that i simply cannot understand someone not wanting to chasing things they desire and live big. And to top it all off, he is not a deep thinker...much too simple for me. I greatly enjoy a good discussion, but if only one person is having deep thoughts, it wont go very far.

For all these reasons, I knew things would never work between us. He is too clingy, too dependent, and too weak minded for me. Of course, I would not say all these things to him. I merely said that school was too busy and I didnt want to be tied down when I graduate because I want to go places..not stay in Waconia. I still valued him as a friend because he is a perfectly nice guy, but I was not going to force that relationship on him. I let him decide if he stil wanted to be friends, and he did.

Case closed, right? Wrong. Through a tangle of conversations and what not through the rest of the week, I have discovered how truly immature he is. He has no ability to cope with adversity, and simply can not handle letting go of a relationship with me. He is emotional and rash. He wants to be friends, but cant handle it. And when I say we should stop talking until summer, it is the end of the world to him. He is dramatic. So, NOW the case is closed. WE WILL NEVER DATE.

Immaturity = biggest turn off EVER
Well, I got that decided BUT now...Kyle hates me...my summer might be ruined because he will be a drama queen and fight with me the whole time...So i am feeling great right now.

AND he is begging to know what he did wrong that makes us never work. How do i explain that to him? He wont understand. It will be like talking to a brink wall.


So thats boy #1.
Now boy #2: David. It was our would-have-been one year, last friday...we couldnt stay away. I was so depressed and I missed him so horribly. So we hungout..and cuddled..basically acted like a couple. So for the rest of the week, we have been trying to stop seeing each other, but just CANT do it. It is so hard not to talk to him when i want to and could easily. But something has been really irking me about him too:
So all the times we have been hanging out this week, we cuddle and talk. Just like old times...and also, just like old times, things start going places...
I always resist, because I do not want to have that kind of relationship especially since we are not dating. But in the end, he seduces me and we mess around. I told him over and over that I dont want to be like that. He says he agrees but then it ALWAYS happens and always because he is pushing it.

Yesterday was his birthday, we werent supposed to see each other, because we had decided to work on ourselves and not see each other for a long time. But, naturally, we couldnt stick to it, so late last night, he came over to talk, because he was upset. We talked, and then he begged me to cuddle. So I did. Then he begged me to mess around..I gave in. Not because i truly wanted to, but because he did. When it was over, I felt horrible. I always do. You know the saying " the girl walks away feeling like a slut and the guy walks away feeling like a champ" SO TRUE. I felt like the biggest skank ever..but he had absolutely no remorse about it. He thinks it is all cool.

So what does this say to me? I am a booty call. I am a worthless piece of ass, because no matter what the situation is, he turns it into messing around. I got super mad...I was sick to my stomach. I felt so used. I never want to be used like that again.

But maybe it is a good thing. Now, whenever i flirt with talking to him, i will just think: "your only a piece of meat to him, nothing more." It hurts, but I guess it is for the best. Maybe he will grow up someday and get some fucking control of his...idk what you call it..sex drive?

SO:
1. Kyle is ridiculously immature..yet another one lost to that plague
2. Kyle immaturely hates me for trying to be real with him.
3. I feel used by David.
4. I love David...but I need better than that.


Boys Suck.
Peace.

I hate love

Of the 365 days of 2010, I would say today is easily in the top 10 crappiest day of the Year list. As heartache appears to be my specialty as of late, today gives me a bolus ( to throw in a little nursing knowledge there). Today would have been the one year anniversary of my relationship with David. I knew it. He knew it. So to make me hurt a little more, David brought me a dozen roses. Yay. Awesome. I love be reminded of exactly what I no longer have. Sweetness.

So in true female fashion, I ordered a pizza, ate incredibly too much of it, watched The Notebook, cried, thought "woe is me", and laid around depressed wondering if love will ever not hurt. As today is still today, I am still unconvinced that life will indeed go on, but I am hoping tomorrow will come, as it always does, I will be able to go on. But wait. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of our first kiss. And a week after that will be the anniversary of the first time David said " I love you". And a week after that will be the anniversary of him meeting my parents. And a month after that will be the anniversary of staying in Sioux City with him and experiencing the most romantic week of my life. Do you get the picture? EVERYTHING is a reminder of him. There is absolutely no way to avoid his presence; therefore, i will be continiously teased by the memories...the memories of such happier times.

So the question: Will I ever be happy again? yah. yah. I KNOW i am just being a dramatic, emotional girl...but I still wonder. It is not so much that i want to be in love. I just want to not hurt over love. No fresh wounds. No budding relationships that may or may not work out. I just want NOTHING with the opposite gender, because at this point, they serve no purpose other than giving me pain.

I have such big plans for my future that boys do not fit in the picture.
BUT...i like to flirt, i like to tease, i like the butterflies and the stupid smiles that a boy can give me. It is the ultimate love hate relationship.

Putting Thought into Action

The past few weeks in my nursing classes, we have been talking about kidneys and renal failure. This sparked an idea in my brain: BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR

Crazy? umm, yah. But it is something that I have always thought would be an amazing thing to do. As a high schooler, I was too young and still under my parent's roof so I knew it wouldnt be an option. But now, as a sophomore in college, I was serious about it. I felt like I was being called to take the risk and save someone's life.

I believe my passionate response to this subject is largely due to my clinical experiences. After being on the clinical floors for three semesters now, I have definitely seen my fair share of sad stories. Whether the patients' bodies were failing due to their lifestyle choices or because they were given an imperfect system, I have been told over and over "take care of yourself. Be thankful to be young". I have left so many clinicals with an overwhelming thankfulness to God for giving me a body that has never failed to do all i ask of it. I have been severely blessed in health, so to me, giving an organ would be an expression of my thankfulness. It would be the ultimate gift: the gift of life, and I am MORE than wiling to do that for a person. The look of their face would be all the pay nessisary to convince me that the whole thing was worth it.

I did my research, then presented the idea to my parents. My mom was supportive and commended me for my willingness to give. My dad also commended me, but then very harsely forbid me from doing it at my age. For whatever reason, this crushed me. I cried and cried and i couldn't really figure why. But then I did:

To me, giving an organ without any pay besides the satisfaction of helping your fellow man was a way to live the uncommon life. I look at so many people around me and wonder how they can be happy with the direction of their life. They get engaged in college, get married, hold a steady job in the town they were born in, have children, and thats it. THATS IT. Where is the living in that life? There is no adventure, no risk, and no unduplicatable life experiences. Is a mediocre life with prescribed, simple experiences that every single other person their age is experiencing. I want to go places, have life changing experiences, make a different, and above all just do great things. Being able to donor an organ meant so much for me because it would be me taking the road less taken. Living Big.

This dream has been put on hold for a later date ( but it WILL happen someday); however, I believe other doors might be opening. After my dad forbid me from going through with organ donor, I explained to him what I stated in the paragraph above. To my surprise...he understood. Alot. Apparently, he was exactly like me at my age: wanting to do great things and matter in the world. He didn't do any of them, because he was afraid, but has done his part to help others complete theirs by being a huge supporter of missions in the church. It was his way of living vicariously through the experiences of others.

He admired my ambition and as an expression of that, he said he would personally finically support me in any missions I wish to persue over the next few years my life. He wishes for me to go out there to get all the experiences I wish so dearly to have. And so the pursuit of these experiences begins!

We have a lot of connections through our church, the Missionary Alliance. I am hoping that through these future experiences, I will be able to fulfill my dreams of helping those who have less than myself. I am in nursing; therefore care, compassion, and love is what I am made to give. And I want to give it to as many people as possilbe. New beginnings are exciting, and the crazy part is that these ideas and dreams will no longer be in my head. They will be actually happening. I believe that life is FINALLY beginning to happen, my friends.