Misplaced Trust

David has hurt me...many times over. Out of weakness or out of grace, I have always overlooked these shortcomings. But this is the final straw.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....

I will not be fooled again.

At least not by David. I have always been a private person. Call it pride if you will, but being humble enough to display my shortcomings and struggles to a mutlitude of people is not my thing. In fact, I believe very few people enjoy this act. I suppose it is out of self perservation, because in the end, my shortcomings and mistakes, will affect the way people think of me...essentially my reputation is at stake in these situations.

As I mentioned in the post before this, I have carried a huge burden with me for most of high school and it has continued to harm me as a college student. In high school, I NEVER talked about it to anyone. Out of shame, pride, and embarassment. When I started dating David, he begged me from the very beginning to talk to him about it, because he was open with me with his personal struggles. I resisted. I was so tightly coiled to protect myself that I did not want to say it. In addition, I did not think he would understand (which, he didnt at all by the way). Finally, after six months of dating, I opened up to him and told him about it.

Biggest mistake ever.
Only now am I realizing it. A few days ago, I was confronted by a good friend about purging. I admitted, only because she already knew it was truth. DAVID TOLD HER. I confronted him about it, because I did not want to assume the worse. but it was true. He had told. Not only her, but ALSO a counceling staff at Dordt. A. Fucking. Councelor. And what was his reasoning? "I only did it to protect you. You are hurting yourself".

What part of it-took-six-months-to-tell-you does he not get? I told him in the strictest of confidence. But no, he decided to take it into his own hands and decide for himself whether or not my secrets were worth keeping. I believe in nursing, they call that autonomy. Autonomy is a person's right to self determination. Their right to make their own decisions about their life. He completely violated that right. I am crushed. And now my relationship with that friend is weird. I cant act the same around her, because she nows and I know that she will always be thinking about it when she is around me, because it is such a vodooed topic in society. Eating disorders are not pretty, but at the same time, I am not at my worst. I am always getting better so them intervening now has absolutely NO role. They do not understand the nature of this struggle and i KNOW they are just assuming the worse. It is not like that at all.

So this is strike two for him:
1. He told my friends that I drink, "to protect me". I told him that it strict confidence.
2. He told the biggest secret I possess. The secret I have told one other person in the WHOLE world. Not even my best friend knows.


Surprisingly, this hurts worst of all. His violence was not even as bad as this. Trust is the basis of every relationship and he has broken that. He told the details of my life that I hold CLOSEST to my chest. Not trival things..the important things.

I dont know, if I can salvage the relationship after that. I might have to be done. We have not spoken since sunday...and I dont have an urge to talk to him..or forgive him.