I am sitting here completely boggled by the human mind and capacity to feel such conflicting emotions.
I have been with Andrew. I love Andrew. He treats me better than I deserve, and loves me in return. He is mature, responsible, sensitive, sweet, and so many great things. I love being with him.
After my experience with David a few weeks ago, I will never forgive him. What he did is unexcusable. Besides the fact that I got absolutely NO pleasure from any of it. I am not attracted to him in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of way AT ALL, but yet I can not shake him..it makes absolutely no sense. He has done nothing to make me want him in my life, but yet I miss him. Most of the time, I dont really think about it, but then there are times like these where the ache is so horrible.
I cried.
I don't ever cry.
But WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Is Andrew wrong? Is David right? But that makes no sense. David has been nothing but bad for me. I have had nothing but pain to associate with him, but yet there is something that always draws me to him and makes me forget all the horrible things that have happened between us and all the reasons that it will never work.
I am so confused and beside myself with the anxiety of trying to sort all these emotions out. They are so conflicting. David is my cocaine. A drug and addiction that I don't know how to break.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
I am midway through my first week back at school. The roomies are great. I can finally see the light at the end of the nursing school tunnel. I have a boyfriend that loves me ( he said it!!!). So things should be smooth?
please...this is ME we are talking about..of course it is not smooth.
So I came on a wednesday and from the get go, David was trying to contact me. Surprise, surprise. On thursday, I decided to be kind to him and allow him to sit down with me and ask whatever questions he had. The conversation ended up going really well. It was clear he still liked me, but he sounded like he was legitamitely trying to change his ways. For example, he said that with his next girlfriend he wants to have a very unphysical relationship with her: no kisses, few hugs or any physical contact at all. Seating and talking with the guy brought back alot of memories..for a second I thought I missed being with him. But then I realized that was wholely untrue...I missed being best friends, because we really were for so long. I have always enjoyed talking to him, and it was still true. After that conversation, I realized that I never ever want to be more than friends with him, only good friends. I knew that that would take time, but I wanted to get there, because the friendship is so good outside of a relationship.
I finished the conversation with a test. He had been preaching that he had changed and no longer was a sexually out of control guy, even saying he would not react if I came onto him. So naturally, I did just that. I sat in his lap and got my face right next to his. He sat there with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, but then said " I respect you and your relationship. I will not do this". He had passed with flying colors, and he had won an ounce of trust from me. He resisted when he could have not. For the first time in a long time, I had a glimmer of hope for him, and I walked away satisfied with the conversation.
Unforunately, he COMPLETELY undid himself friday night..possibly the worst night of my life. It was the first weekend back, so my roommates and I started drinking. After it was said and done, I was completely wasted and puking my guts out. Note: whiskey is a horrible drink. My roommates cleaned up after me (bless their hearts!) and helped me into bed, at which point the room was still spinning like a top. I passed out and woke up a few hours later and checked my phone for the first time all night. David had texted me saying he was leaving and that if I wanted to see him one last time, I should come see him now. That had been hours before so I texted him back asking what's up? He told me to come to his room to talk about it, so in my drunken-ness, I stupidly went to him. I dont remember the entire experience, but i will try to rehash it.
I came into the room , and he invited me to sit on the couch with him. The room and my mind was still fuzzy from the alcohol, so I sat there with my head in my hands. he sat down next to me, but way too close..he scootered himself as close as possible without hurting me and put his arm around me. I remember telling him that it was inappropiate because I had a boyfriend ,but he didn't stop. We talked randomly on topics that I don't remember. All the while, making himself closer and closer to me. Eventually, his face was right up against mine, and then he reached out and kissed me..before I knew it, one thing lead to another and we were messing around.
WTF. Why did I do it? I have NO idea. I dont remember everything that happened, but I do remember NOT enjoying it at all. His kiss, touch, everything felt wrong to me. It made me miss Andrew more than anything. So why did I continue doing it? I remember feeling scared that I would offend him if I told him that I didn't want to or wasn't enjoying it. Being drunk makes me very sensitive to my perception of how feel about me; it always have. I am always more prone to think people are angry or annoyed with me when I am drunk. So I let him finish, and then I got very angry and left.
I feel absolutely horrible. I cheated..again. I know it was the alcohol, but all the same, it happened. I told Andrew, and he basically doesnt trust me anymore. Awesome. So I have completely jeopardized my relationship. damn it.
please...this is ME we are talking about..of course it is not smooth.
So I came on a wednesday and from the get go, David was trying to contact me. Surprise, surprise. On thursday, I decided to be kind to him and allow him to sit down with me and ask whatever questions he had. The conversation ended up going really well. It was clear he still liked me, but he sounded like he was legitamitely trying to change his ways. For example, he said that with his next girlfriend he wants to have a very unphysical relationship with her: no kisses, few hugs or any physical contact at all. Seating and talking with the guy brought back alot of memories..for a second I thought I missed being with him. But then I realized that was wholely untrue...I missed being best friends, because we really were for so long. I have always enjoyed talking to him, and it was still true. After that conversation, I realized that I never ever want to be more than friends with him, only good friends. I knew that that would take time, but I wanted to get there, because the friendship is so good outside of a relationship.
I finished the conversation with a test. He had been preaching that he had changed and no longer was a sexually out of control guy, even saying he would not react if I came onto him. So naturally, I did just that. I sat in his lap and got my face right next to his. He sat there with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, but then said " I respect you and your relationship. I will not do this". He had passed with flying colors, and he had won an ounce of trust from me. He resisted when he could have not. For the first time in a long time, I had a glimmer of hope for him, and I walked away satisfied with the conversation.
Unforunately, he COMPLETELY undid himself friday night..possibly the worst night of my life. It was the first weekend back, so my roommates and I started drinking. After it was said and done, I was completely wasted and puking my guts out. Note: whiskey is a horrible drink. My roommates cleaned up after me (bless their hearts!) and helped me into bed, at which point the room was still spinning like a top. I passed out and woke up a few hours later and checked my phone for the first time all night. David had texted me saying he was leaving and that if I wanted to see him one last time, I should come see him now. That had been hours before so I texted him back asking what's up? He told me to come to his room to talk about it, so in my drunken-ness, I stupidly went to him. I dont remember the entire experience, but i will try to rehash it.
I came into the room , and he invited me to sit on the couch with him. The room and my mind was still fuzzy from the alcohol, so I sat there with my head in my hands. he sat down next to me, but way too close..he scootered himself as close as possible without hurting me and put his arm around me. I remember telling him that it was inappropiate because I had a boyfriend ,but he didn't stop. We talked randomly on topics that I don't remember. All the while, making himself closer and closer to me. Eventually, his face was right up against mine, and then he reached out and kissed me..before I knew it, one thing lead to another and we were messing around.
WTF. Why did I do it? I have NO idea. I dont remember everything that happened, but I do remember NOT enjoying it at all. His kiss, touch, everything felt wrong to me. It made me miss Andrew more than anything. So why did I continue doing it? I remember feeling scared that I would offend him if I told him that I didn't want to or wasn't enjoying it. Being drunk makes me very sensitive to my perception of how feel about me; it always have. I am always more prone to think people are angry or annoyed with me when I am drunk. So I let him finish, and then I got very angry and left.
I feel absolutely horrible. I cheated..again. I know it was the alcohol, but all the same, it happened. I told Andrew, and he basically doesnt trust me anymore. Awesome. So I have completely jeopardized my relationship. damn it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Let's reminisce for a while..
Tuesday will mark the two month anniversary of my relationship with Andrew. We have weathered a few disagreements, but overall, it has, by far, been the happiest first two months I have experienced of any relationship I have had. And perhaps my most favorite part is not a single "I love you" has been uttered. Not. One. In my dating history that is a record.
Austin: 4 days
David: 5 days
Kyle: 9 days
All of those relationships ended horribly...and all involved inmature guys. I believe I have noticed a trend... In the end, Andrew understanding and valuing the words " I love you" strengthens my sense of his maturity, which is premo primo important to me. It makes me believe that he may be my saving grace.. gah. I think it is about time. I've been with enough jerks to deserve one, right?
For the entire month of July I worked the overnight shift in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility in Waconia. I thank God for the job, because I made fantastic money doing it, but it was definitely an experience trying to adjust to the backwards schedule. I have learned to take the good with the bad, though. After a long night of work, most mornings I would go to visit Andrew. His roommate leaves for work at 6:30 am, therefore, when I arrived at 6:45 am, Andrew was all alone. Those moments cuddling up to my sleeping man, all warm and ready to hold me, are memories I will hold dear forever, even if we end up not working out....its like a scene of out a romance novel or chick flick. The kind of thing that all good summer romances should have. We would sleep until he had to go to work, and then He would walk around shirtless, with a cup of coffee and a sleepy grin before ushering me to my car and sending me home with puppy dog eyes and a sweet kiss...making me fall harder than I thought I could.
So as the relationship has progressed, little by little, we have been letting each other into our lives. This of course, refers to the introduction of families. eeekkkk. My BIGGEST fear... I don't know why families are so intimidating for me. I guess it just adds another dimension to the relationship. Meaning that if it doesn't work out, you have to not only break ties with the significant other but their family members as well.
Today was perhaps the ultimate family encounter: I was invited to a family picnic to meet his entire extended family. Granted, that only meant fifteen people..but still! I had already met his sisters and parents on numerous occasions, so, in the end, it was not that nerve-racking. The afternoon was a ton of fun and it just made me like Andrew all the more. Coming from a closekit family of seven, family is very dear to my heart. My siblings are my best friends, and we all love on each other constantly. Probably too affection for most people's liking, but i LOVE it. Coincidentally, Andrew also comes from a family of seven with kids all similar ages to my family. It was the coolest experience, because his family is EXACTLY like mine. He is incredibly close to all his siblings and parents. Its hard to explain, but the whole atmosphere is just soo saturated in love. It is what I believe families should be like, so when I am with his family I feel like I am at home. The inside jokes, freely given affection, and laughter is all the same. It is so comforting to know that my love of my family is mirrored in Andrew and that his sentiments are exactly the same. In a semi creepy way, considering we have only dated two months, I can see myself being part of a family like that...its so comfortable and homey to me.
We spend the majority of the evening looking at photo albums together. Everyone was huddled around one book or another, laughing and reminiscing about the early years. As I returned home later, I was still in intense family mode; therefore, I brought out my own family photos. For whatever reason, I reached for the albums documenting my ackward years, and an epiphany ensued.
As a looked through those years, it took me back to the way I remember feeling when the pictures were taking...the insecurity, the heartbreak, and the painful self criticizism. Its hard to imagine now how unattractive and fat I thought I was then, when looking back, I was healthy, natural, and perfectly made. For the first time ever, I looked at those pictures of myself, and saw a beautiful person..horribly naive but beautiful. If only I could talk to the self in those pictures, I would have so much to say. Now, having been through and over my first heartbreak, eating disorders, obsessive working out, and hating myself for being me, I believe I have finally seen the light. For the first time that I can remember, I genuine love who I am and love my life. It has taken far too long to see it, but I have always been beautiful in my own way..the Mary Beth-ness that NO ONE can ever have. It gives me hope and confidence that my life will be wonderful and better than I can imagine, because I will be me and love it. I wish I would have realize it then how feeling worth something is not from outward appearance or attraction but within in a person's heart. Our bodies are merely a vessel for our souls. Granted, we must take care of our bodies to live to our greatest potential, but in the end, that is all they are good for..just a vessel.
If I ever have a daughter, it will be my life long goal to instill this in her mind. If nothing else, I want her to KNOW that she is beautifully and perfectly made and will always be in my eyes. This may not seem like an earth shattering thing to the average person, but for me it means the world, for these struggles have been the ultimate stumbling block in my life..holding me back from living to the fullest. I am hoping this sense of self is here to stay, because it truly makes life worth all its trouble.
Austin: 4 days
David: 5 days
Kyle: 9 days
All of those relationships ended horribly...and all involved inmature guys. I believe I have noticed a trend... In the end, Andrew understanding and valuing the words " I love you" strengthens my sense of his maturity, which is premo primo important to me. It makes me believe that he may be my saving grace.. gah. I think it is about time. I've been with enough jerks to deserve one, right?
For the entire month of July I worked the overnight shift in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility in Waconia. I thank God for the job, because I made fantastic money doing it, but it was definitely an experience trying to adjust to the backwards schedule. I have learned to take the good with the bad, though. After a long night of work, most mornings I would go to visit Andrew. His roommate leaves for work at 6:30 am, therefore, when I arrived at 6:45 am, Andrew was all alone. Those moments cuddling up to my sleeping man, all warm and ready to hold me, are memories I will hold dear forever, even if we end up not working out....its like a scene of out a romance novel or chick flick. The kind of thing that all good summer romances should have. We would sleep until he had to go to work, and then He would walk around shirtless, with a cup of coffee and a sleepy grin before ushering me to my car and sending me home with puppy dog eyes and a sweet kiss...making me fall harder than I thought I could.
So as the relationship has progressed, little by little, we have been letting each other into our lives. This of course, refers to the introduction of families. eeekkkk. My BIGGEST fear... I don't know why families are so intimidating for me. I guess it just adds another dimension to the relationship. Meaning that if it doesn't work out, you have to not only break ties with the significant other but their family members as well.
Today was perhaps the ultimate family encounter: I was invited to a family picnic to meet his entire extended family. Granted, that only meant fifteen people..but still! I had already met his sisters and parents on numerous occasions, so, in the end, it was not that nerve-racking. The afternoon was a ton of fun and it just made me like Andrew all the more. Coming from a closekit family of seven, family is very dear to my heart. My siblings are my best friends, and we all love on each other constantly. Probably too affection for most people's liking, but i LOVE it. Coincidentally, Andrew also comes from a family of seven with kids all similar ages to my family. It was the coolest experience, because his family is EXACTLY like mine. He is incredibly close to all his siblings and parents. Its hard to explain, but the whole atmosphere is just soo saturated in love. It is what I believe families should be like, so when I am with his family I feel like I am at home. The inside jokes, freely given affection, and laughter is all the same. It is so comforting to know that my love of my family is mirrored in Andrew and that his sentiments are exactly the same. In a semi creepy way, considering we have only dated two months, I can see myself being part of a family like that...its so comfortable and homey to me.
We spend the majority of the evening looking at photo albums together. Everyone was huddled around one book or another, laughing and reminiscing about the early years. As I returned home later, I was still in intense family mode; therefore, I brought out my own family photos. For whatever reason, I reached for the albums documenting my ackward years, and an epiphany ensued.
As a looked through those years, it took me back to the way I remember feeling when the pictures were taking...the insecurity, the heartbreak, and the painful self criticizism. Its hard to imagine now how unattractive and fat I thought I was then, when looking back, I was healthy, natural, and perfectly made. For the first time ever, I looked at those pictures of myself, and saw a beautiful person..horribly naive but beautiful. If only I could talk to the self in those pictures, I would have so much to say. Now, having been through and over my first heartbreak, eating disorders, obsessive working out, and hating myself for being me, I believe I have finally seen the light. For the first time that I can remember, I genuine love who I am and love my life. It has taken far too long to see it, but I have always been beautiful in my own way..the Mary Beth-ness that NO ONE can ever have. It gives me hope and confidence that my life will be wonderful and better than I can imagine, because I will be me and love it. I wish I would have realize it then how feeling worth something is not from outward appearance or attraction but within in a person's heart. Our bodies are merely a vessel for our souls. Granted, we must take care of our bodies to live to our greatest potential, but in the end, that is all they are good for..just a vessel.
If I ever have a daughter, it will be my life long goal to instill this in her mind. If nothing else, I want her to KNOW that she is beautifully and perfectly made and will always be in my eyes. This may not seem like an earth shattering thing to the average person, but for me it means the world, for these struggles have been the ultimate stumbling block in my life..holding me back from living to the fullest. I am hoping this sense of self is here to stay, because it truly makes life worth all its trouble.
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