Let's reminisce for a while..

Tuesday will mark the two month anniversary of my relationship with Andrew. We have weathered a few disagreements, but overall, it has, by far, been the happiest first two months I have experienced of any relationship I have had. And perhaps my most favorite part is not a single "I love you" has been uttered. Not. One. In my dating history that is a record.
Austin: 4 days
David: 5 days
Kyle: 9 days
All of those relationships ended horribly...and all involved inmature guys. I believe I have noticed a trend... In the end, Andrew understanding and valuing the words " I love you" strengthens my sense of his maturity, which is premo primo important to me. It makes me believe that he may be my saving grace.. gah. I think it is about time. I've been with enough jerks to deserve one, right?

For the entire month of July I worked the overnight shift in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility in Waconia. I thank God for the job, because I made fantastic money doing it, but it was definitely an experience trying to adjust to the backwards schedule. I have learned to take the good with the bad, though. After a long night of work, most mornings I would go to visit Andrew. His roommate leaves for work at 6:30 am, therefore, when I arrived at 6:45 am, Andrew was all alone. Those moments cuddling up to my sleeping man, all warm and ready to hold me, are memories I will hold dear forever, even if we end up not working out....its like a scene of out a romance novel or chick flick. The kind of thing that all good summer romances should have. We would sleep until he had to go to work, and then He would walk around shirtless, with a cup of coffee and a sleepy grin before ushering me to my car and sending me home with puppy dog eyes and a sweet kiss...making me fall harder than I thought I could.

So as the relationship has progressed, little by little, we have been letting each other into our lives. This of course, refers to the introduction of families. eeekkkk. My BIGGEST fear... I don't know why families are so intimidating for me. I guess it just adds another dimension to the relationship. Meaning that if it doesn't work out, you have to not only break ties with the significant other but their family members as well.

Today was perhaps the ultimate family encounter: I was invited to a family picnic to meet his entire extended family. Granted, that only meant fifteen people..but still! I had already met his sisters and parents on numerous occasions, so, in the end, it was not that nerve-racking. The afternoon was a ton of fun and it just made me like Andrew all the more. Coming from a closekit family of seven, family is very dear to my heart. My siblings are my best friends, and we all love on each other constantly. Probably too affection for most people's liking, but i LOVE it. Coincidentally, Andrew also comes from a family of seven with kids all similar ages to my family. It was the coolest experience, because his family is EXACTLY like mine. He is incredibly close to all his siblings and parents. Its hard to explain, but the whole atmosphere is just soo saturated in love. It is what I believe families should be like, so when I am with his family I feel like I am at home. The inside jokes, freely given affection, and laughter is all the same. It is so comforting to know that my love of my family is mirrored in Andrew and that his sentiments are exactly the same. In a semi creepy way, considering we have only dated two months, I can see myself being part of a family like that...its so comfortable and homey to me.

We spend the majority of the evening looking at photo albums together. Everyone was huddled around one book or another, laughing and reminiscing about the early years. As I returned home later, I was still in intense family mode; therefore, I brought out my own family photos. For whatever reason, I reached for the albums documenting my ackward years, and an epiphany ensued.

As a looked through those years, it took me back to the way I remember feeling when the pictures were taking...the insecurity, the heartbreak, and the painful self criticizism. Its hard to imagine now how unattractive and fat I thought I was then, when looking back, I was healthy, natural, and perfectly made. For the first time ever, I looked at those pictures of myself, and saw a beautiful person..horribly naive but beautiful. If only I could talk to the self in those pictures, I would have so much to say. Now, having been through and over my first heartbreak, eating disorders, obsessive working out, and hating myself for being me, I believe I have finally seen the light. For the first time that I can remember, I genuine love who I am and love my life. It has taken far too long to see it, but I have always been beautiful in my own way..the Mary Beth-ness that NO ONE can ever have. It gives me hope and confidence that my life will be wonderful and better than I can imagine, because I will be me and love it. I wish I would have realize it then how feeling worth something is not from outward appearance or attraction but within in a person's heart. Our bodies are merely a vessel for our souls. Granted, we must take care of our bodies to live to our greatest potential, but in the end, that is all they are good for..just a vessel.

If I ever have a daughter, it will be my life long goal to instill this in her mind. If nothing else, I want her to KNOW that she is beautifully and perfectly made and will always be in my eyes. This may not seem like an earth shattering thing to the average person, but for me it means the world, for these struggles have been the ultimate stumbling block in my life..holding me back from living to the fullest. I am hoping this sense of self is here to stay, because it truly makes life worth all its trouble.