Once a cheater, always a cheater?

I am midway through my first week back at school. The roomies are great. I can finally see the light at the end of the nursing school tunnel. I have a boyfriend that loves me ( he said it!!!). So things should be smooth?

please...this is ME we are talking about..of course it is not smooth.

So I came on a wednesday and from the get go, David was trying to contact me. Surprise, surprise. On thursday, I decided to be kind to him and allow him to sit down with me and ask whatever questions he had. The conversation ended up going really well. It was clear he still liked me, but he sounded like he was legitamitely trying to change his ways. For example, he said that with his next girlfriend he wants to have a very unphysical relationship with her: no kisses, few hugs or any physical contact at all. Seating and talking with the guy brought back alot of memories..for a second I thought I missed being with him. But then I realized that was wholely untrue...I missed being best friends, because we really were for so long. I have always enjoyed talking to him, and it was still true. After that conversation, I realized that I never ever want to be more than friends with him, only good friends. I knew that that would take time, but I wanted to get there, because the friendship is so good outside of a relationship.

I finished the conversation with a test. He had been preaching that he had changed and no longer was a sexually out of control guy, even saying he would not react if I came onto him. So naturally, I did just that. I sat in his lap and got my face right next to his. He sat there with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, but then said " I respect you and your relationship. I will not do this". He had passed with flying colors, and he had won an ounce of trust from me. He resisted when he could have not. For the first time in a long time, I had a glimmer of hope for him, and I walked away satisfied with the conversation.

Unforunately, he COMPLETELY undid himself friday night..possibly the worst night of my life. It was the first weekend back, so my roommates and I started drinking. After it was said and done, I was completely wasted and puking my guts out. Note: whiskey is a horrible drink. My roommates cleaned up after me (bless their hearts!) and helped me into bed, at which point the room was still spinning like a top. I passed out and woke up a few hours later and checked my phone for the first time all night. David had texted me saying he was leaving and that if I wanted to see him one last time, I should come see him now. That had been hours before so I texted him back asking what's up? He told me to come to his room to talk about it, so in my drunken-ness, I stupidly went to him. I dont remember the entire experience, but i will try to rehash it.

I came into the room , and he invited me to sit on the couch with him. The room and my mind was still fuzzy from the alcohol, so I sat there with my head in my hands. he sat down next to me, but way too close..he scootered himself as close as possible without hurting me and put his arm around me. I remember telling him that it was inappropiate because I had a boyfriend ,but he didn't stop. We talked randomly on topics that I don't remember. All the while, making himself closer and closer to me. Eventually, his face was right up against mine, and then he reached out and kissed me..before I knew it, one thing lead to another and we were messing around.

WTF. Why did I do it? I have NO idea. I dont remember everything that happened, but I do remember NOT enjoying it at all. His kiss, touch, everything felt wrong to me. It made me miss Andrew more than anything. So why did I continue doing it? I remember feeling scared that I would offend him if I told him that I didn't want to or wasn't enjoying it. Being drunk makes me very sensitive to my perception of how feel about me; it always have. I am always more prone to think people are angry or annoyed with me when I am drunk. So I let him finish, and then I got very angry and left.

I feel absolutely horrible. I cheated..again. I know it was the alcohol, but all the same, it happened. I told Andrew, and he basically doesnt trust me anymore. Awesome. So I have completely jeopardized my relationship. damn it.