As I sit here bawling, I feel like I have a severe case of PTSD, and I don't know if I can do it again.
Tyler told me from the beginning that he is "best friends" with a girl named Emily. I was cool with it, BUT then he told me that he had had a crush on her from grade school to high school and that "we could get married tomorrow and we would be happy forever". Even saying that I would probably hate hanging out with them, because I would be bugged by the way they acted. Best friends? Bullshit. That sounds like the girl who got away...the one that you want above all, but could not have so you settled for best friend. So what does that make me? Second choice? A poor man's Emily? This hurts me beyond words. Crushes my heart, because he says he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone yet the only reason he is not with Emily is because she did not want to be. I am demoralized beyond compare, because this is not the first time this has happened.
At the end of my relationship with Austin, he became "best friends" with a girl named Brittany. I was incredibly troubled by it, but Austin insisted that it was nothing. And what happened? Five days after we broke up, they were cuddling on the Marching Band bus. I spent the rest of that summer watching that heart wrenching relationship play out first hand as the Marching Band season went on. Words do not express what it is like to watch your first-love, ex boyfriend of over a year relationship move on to another girl in front of your eyes without batting a lash. All the while, trying desperately to win him back. Whatever it took- 3 hour work outs, religious calorie counting, 500 calories a day, no meat,twice a day workouts, alienating friends, six months of no period. Anything to get him back but failing. Now, you might say "boo-who get over it", but feeling the need to compete with Brittany for Austin's attention was the original reason that I began struggling with eating disorders. THAT situation was the grain that tipped the scale and thrusted me into a five year battle to regain the control I had once had. That is a wound that hits a nerve and always will, because eating disorders have controlled my life so throughly and has taken so long to recover from. I finally feel like I am completely okay with myself, but I am starting to feel like it is all being undone. Seeing this situation with Tyler, takes me right back to being that love-struck sixteen year-old girl clinging to anything to make Austin stay. It is hands down the most desperate feeling in the whole world. Loving someone but watching them and listening to them and seeing that they are in love with someone else in spite of the fact that they swear it is to the contrary. It literally gives me physical pain in my chest. I am so scared, because I feel compelled to do the same now as I did then: to compete. But I'm afraid it won't matter, because just as with Austin, I will not win. I will only get my heart broken.
Its kind of ridiculous for me to be as upset as I am, but I love Ty and I have been starting to let myself believe that he may FINALLY be the guy to love me right. After so much relationship drama and hurt, I am just ready to be happy. I do not know how much more hurt I can take before I give up on being love. I would like to think I am a decent person, who deserves to be loved whole-heartedly for the person that I am, but I am starting to feel like I will never be someone's number one. Always a poor man's someone.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The baggage that keeps on giving
Of all my regrets, I am beginning to believe that David Alan Harrold is hands down the biggest one. I learned ALOT from that relationship, but I am having a horrible time trying to stop the baggage of David from hindering my relationships after him. Clearly, he was a major factor in the ending of my relationship with Andrew, and now it is jepordizing my relationship with Ty.
Ty and I hung out again this weekend and for the most part, it was wonderful. I am trying to work really hard on not letting his womanizing past intimidate me (sidenote: we talked this weekend and he said that he only messed around with maybe five women. The 16 one night stands were get in get off get out situations. This makes me feel better). I also am trying to not let his close relationship with his best friend Emily to be a concern to me..despite the fact that he admits that he could marry her today and that they would be happy forever. I care about him so much, and I am really starting get some strong emotions involved. So where does David come in?
I have not talked to David in a month. And it was a three minute conversation. I have no interest in talking to him, because I am really over it. Being with Ty just opens my eyes to see there are men out there that are all the things I loved about David and more. He is not that best I can do and I see that now. This said, there is absolutely NO interest in my mind in being with him. Just as Kyle showed me all the things that made David special, Ty shows me how foolish I was to be stuck on a guy like him for so long. Ty is so genuine in everything. He may be a big, tough guy, but he has the heart of a young child: incredibly sensitive and the biggest sweetheart in the world. I adore him.
David reared his ugly head in the most unforunate time this weekend. Ty and I were messing around and somehow, David's name spilled in. I was beyond shocked. I felt like someone else had said it. As soon as it was said, Ty tensed up and I knew the damage had been done. With Ty's history of being cheated on, this was a particularly deep cut. He was so upset, and I absolutely do not blame him. With Andrew, I called him David all the time...and then I cheated on him. Super Duper. I feel so heartbroken right now. What kind of girlfriend says an Ex's name? I DO NOT WANT DAVID. At all. I want Ty more than words, but somehow David's name came out. How could this happen??
It kills me, because no matter where I go or what I do, David haunts me. After all the heartbroken tears, fears, broken hopes, and broken promises with David, I want to forget him forever. I honestly try not to think of him very often, because I know I would only grow hatred in my heart for him. I relate David to the lowest point of my existence. And now that I am with someone that I love and is good to me, it is beyond frustrating to see him ruin this relationship too. I fucked up my relationship with Andrew, because of David, and I have promised myself that I will NEVER be that girl again. By far the most pathetic and unhonorable period of my life, of which I am horribly ashamed. I had always looked at Ty as a fresh start with a relationship untied down by a history of past pains. But now I have put the first black mark on the relationship and I am devastated. I want SOOOO desperately to move on, but my mistakes keep following me.
Ty was very angry, but he has graciously forgiven me and has tried to put it behind us. His reaction only makes me feel worse. He is so kind to me in spite of my un-take-back-able, amazingly large fuck up. Ty does not believe that David was not in my mind at the time, but it is the God honest truth. My mind was with Ty and something in my brain triggered "David" not "Ty".
So clearly, the most prominent question is: WHYYYYYYY?
Naturualy, I have tried to sort this out in my mind, but I honestly NEVER thought it would happen. So this is what I can figure:
1. David was the first boy that I ever messed around with, and because of that and the fact that there was alot of emotion involved in that relationship I am bonded to him. If I was the type that put out with lots of guys, I don't think it would be the case, but David was the first of three. Ever. Messing around is more than just play to me. It means something and it forms a connection that can be incredibly strong. So since, 90% of my memories of messing around situations are with him, my inner mind still jumps to his name, because that is what it is most used to saying.
2. David and I had a very hard and long relationship. We may not have been technically together the whole time, but my heart was his and vice versa. The only thing that prevented us from being official was my stubborness in knowing that things would ultimately never work. With all these emotions buzzing around and David's unpredictable temper, a lot of hurt was dished out. But I loved him and stayed because a part of me held hope we would make it. That all the heartache would be worth it. But it wasn't and that is what breaks my heart most of all. After all those passionate break ups and make ups, it didn't even work. He broke my heart in an odd sense, because everything he promised me he would do, he did not. He promised HE would be my exception, that HE would prove my pessimistic beliefs around relationships wrong, and that HE would show me big guys aren't all bullies, when in the end, he only confirmed my worst fears beyond what I thought was possible. Ultimately, what I'm saying is that it is hard after being with someone for soo long to just completely forget that they existance.
So basically it is my history with David compounded by that fact that my relationship with him was such an emotional drain.
I want to be with Ty. And I would do anything to take back what I have said. I want to think it will never happen again, but this happening once scares me to death. If I lose Ty over this..i don't know what I would do.
Ty and I hung out again this weekend and for the most part, it was wonderful. I am trying to work really hard on not letting his womanizing past intimidate me (sidenote: we talked this weekend and he said that he only messed around with maybe five women. The 16 one night stands were get in get off get out situations. This makes me feel better). I also am trying to not let his close relationship with his best friend Emily to be a concern to me..despite the fact that he admits that he could marry her today and that they would be happy forever. I care about him so much, and I am really starting get some strong emotions involved. So where does David come in?
I have not talked to David in a month. And it was a three minute conversation. I have no interest in talking to him, because I am really over it. Being with Ty just opens my eyes to see there are men out there that are all the things I loved about David and more. He is not that best I can do and I see that now. This said, there is absolutely NO interest in my mind in being with him. Just as Kyle showed me all the things that made David special, Ty shows me how foolish I was to be stuck on a guy like him for so long. Ty is so genuine in everything. He may be a big, tough guy, but he has the heart of a young child: incredibly sensitive and the biggest sweetheart in the world. I adore him.
David reared his ugly head in the most unforunate time this weekend. Ty and I were messing around and somehow, David's name spilled in. I was beyond shocked. I felt like someone else had said it. As soon as it was said, Ty tensed up and I knew the damage had been done. With Ty's history of being cheated on, this was a particularly deep cut. He was so upset, and I absolutely do not blame him. With Andrew, I called him David all the time...and then I cheated on him. Super Duper. I feel so heartbroken right now. What kind of girlfriend says an Ex's name? I DO NOT WANT DAVID. At all. I want Ty more than words, but somehow David's name came out. How could this happen??
It kills me, because no matter where I go or what I do, David haunts me. After all the heartbroken tears, fears, broken hopes, and broken promises with David, I want to forget him forever. I honestly try not to think of him very often, because I know I would only grow hatred in my heart for him. I relate David to the lowest point of my existence. And now that I am with someone that I love and is good to me, it is beyond frustrating to see him ruin this relationship too. I fucked up my relationship with Andrew, because of David, and I have promised myself that I will NEVER be that girl again. By far the most pathetic and unhonorable period of my life, of which I am horribly ashamed. I had always looked at Ty as a fresh start with a relationship untied down by a history of past pains. But now I have put the first black mark on the relationship and I am devastated. I want SOOOO desperately to move on, but my mistakes keep following me.
Ty was very angry, but he has graciously forgiven me and has tried to put it behind us. His reaction only makes me feel worse. He is so kind to me in spite of my un-take-back-able, amazingly large fuck up. Ty does not believe that David was not in my mind at the time, but it is the God honest truth. My mind was with Ty and something in my brain triggered "David" not "Ty".
So clearly, the most prominent question is: WHYYYYYYY?
Naturualy, I have tried to sort this out in my mind, but I honestly NEVER thought it would happen. So this is what I can figure:
1. David was the first boy that I ever messed around with, and because of that and the fact that there was alot of emotion involved in that relationship I am bonded to him. If I was the type that put out with lots of guys, I don't think it would be the case, but David was the first of three. Ever. Messing around is more than just play to me. It means something and it forms a connection that can be incredibly strong. So since, 90% of my memories of messing around situations are with him, my inner mind still jumps to his name, because that is what it is most used to saying.
2. David and I had a very hard and long relationship. We may not have been technically together the whole time, but my heart was his and vice versa. The only thing that prevented us from being official was my stubborness in knowing that things would ultimately never work. With all these emotions buzzing around and David's unpredictable temper, a lot of hurt was dished out. But I loved him and stayed because a part of me held hope we would make it. That all the heartache would be worth it. But it wasn't and that is what breaks my heart most of all. After all those passionate break ups and make ups, it didn't even work. He broke my heart in an odd sense, because everything he promised me he would do, he did not. He promised HE would be my exception, that HE would prove my pessimistic beliefs around relationships wrong, and that HE would show me big guys aren't all bullies, when in the end, he only confirmed my worst fears beyond what I thought was possible. Ultimately, what I'm saying is that it is hard after being with someone for soo long to just completely forget that they existance.
So basically it is my history with David compounded by that fact that my relationship with him was such an emotional drain.
I want to be with Ty. And I would do anything to take back what I have said. I want to think it will never happen again, but this happening once scares me to death. If I lose Ty over this..i don't know what I would do.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Exacerbations
Here I sit in Sioux City as the newest renter at Glen Oaks Apartments. I moved in thursday and then spent the weekend with Ty. So far, Sioux City = relapses of various forms. In honor of my recently acquired career and my general addiction to nursing, we shall call them "exacerbations". I love that word.
Exacerbation #1: IBS
Naturally, with that added stress of moving to a new city and starting a career, my body has gone to shit. IBS like none other. I prophlatically (sorry for another nursing word) got a prescription of Bentyl (the med I had been on last summer)to head off my symptoms, but unfortunately, it only made them worse. It is so frustrating. After two years of struggling, I would really appreciate some consistent relief. If I don't figure things out soon, the doctors are going to make me get a colonscopy. I. Dont. Want. One. I just want to feel better. And it is especially annoying when I want to have Ty around. I hate feeling sick around him, but I don't know what I can do. Its so embarassing.
Exacerbation #2: Relationship
It seems like every time I start a relationship, there is always a certain amount of time in the beginning of it where I am incredibly insecure about everything. And with this go around, it is particularly bad: partly because I am crazy about it and partly because of Tyler's past. For whatever reason it is really hard to get past. This weekend, we had alot of time together. He wants to be close and preaches undying love and affection towards me, but I am still intimidated and therefore hesitant to believe him. I want to very badly, but I can not wrap my head around how I trump allllllll the women he has every been with. He has admitted to over 40 first kisses and 20 sex partners, so that means probably about 30 hookups in between. Thats a lot of women. Alot of loving. I dont know why I can't get past the comparisons in my mind, but I'm having a really hard time. The other night, we were messing around or whatever you want to call it and had to straight up stop. All I could think about was him being the exact same way with dozens and dozens of women. I made me feel sick and not up to par. I hate this feeling.
Exacerbation #1: IBS
Naturally, with that added stress of moving to a new city and starting a career, my body has gone to shit. IBS like none other. I prophlatically (sorry for another nursing word) got a prescription of Bentyl (the med I had been on last summer)to head off my symptoms, but unfortunately, it only made them worse. It is so frustrating. After two years of struggling, I would really appreciate some consistent relief. If I don't figure things out soon, the doctors are going to make me get a colonscopy. I. Dont. Want. One. I just want to feel better. And it is especially annoying when I want to have Ty around. I hate feeling sick around him, but I don't know what I can do. Its so embarassing.
Exacerbation #2: Relationship
It seems like every time I start a relationship, there is always a certain amount of time in the beginning of it where I am incredibly insecure about everything. And with this go around, it is particularly bad: partly because I am crazy about it and partly because of Tyler's past. For whatever reason it is really hard to get past. This weekend, we had alot of time together. He wants to be close and preaches undying love and affection towards me, but I am still intimidated and therefore hesitant to believe him. I want to very badly, but I can not wrap my head around how I trump allllllll the women he has every been with. He has admitted to over 40 first kisses and 20 sex partners, so that means probably about 30 hookups in between. Thats a lot of women. Alot of loving. I dont know why I can't get past the comparisons in my mind, but I'm having a really hard time. The other night, we were messing around or whatever you want to call it and had to straight up stop. All I could think about was him being the exact same way with dozens and dozens of women. I made me feel sick and not up to par. I hate this feeling.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Today is a big day. I am finally going to get rid all of David Harrold's things: every letter he ever wrote, every letter I wrote, every picture, and everything that reminds me of him. I don't want to bring ANY of his baggage with me to my new apartment and especially to my new relationship with Ty. I love him. He feels so different to me, and I never want to think about David Harrold again.
Below, I am posting the song "Love the Way You Lie" By Eminemin and Rihanna(sp?). This song perfectly sums up my relationship with David. When I listen to it, I use it as a reminder of how a loving relationship should NEVER be.
Below, I am posting the song "Love the Way You Lie" By Eminemin and Rihanna(sp?). This song perfectly sums up my relationship with David. When I listen to it, I use it as a reminder of how a loving relationship should NEVER be.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Deep Dark Secrets
Well, I did it. Somehow my conversation with Ty last night turned into the "deep dark secret" conversation. I really really wanted to talk to Ty about the cheating in person, because I know that it is something he is very sensitive to (since he was cheated on in a previous relationship). The best constilation way to talk about it was over skype, so we did.
Obviously, it was really hard to say. And especially hard to look at his face then I said it. It was his worst fear come true and I knew it. I care about him so much and I want him to be able to trust me, but I know I lost some of that with my confession. It breaks my heart, but thats the consequences I will always have to live with. Every relationship from here on out with be tainted by my bad decisions. He said that he still trusts me, but if it comes to a sticky situation, I know that this is going to come back and bite me. But I know that I did the right thing. The whole thing that slightly remedies the situation is to fess up and not do it EVER again. Which is my intentions.
In exchange for my "deep dark secret", Ty had to share one of his own: how many women he had slept with. I was honestly a little scared to hear. I had hear about Tyler Mouw long before we had started talking and his reputation was not that great. How I heard it, he was basically a womanizer-jumping from one to the next and just being a huge flirt. He was VERY hesitant to tell me, because he feels very badly about how he behaved and wishes that he could take them all back.
His Number:20
the breakdown:
4- girlfriends
16-one night stands
About a year ago, he was cheated on by his girlfriend. The month or so following the break up, he went a little crazy and tried to get with as many girls as he could, resulting in many, many one night stands. Since then, he hasn't hooked up with anyone.
So my thoughts: It makes me so sad. It breaks my heart to know that no matter what, if I ultimately end up with Ty, he did not make the sacrafice for me that I have made for him. I will be forever compared to every girl he has ever been with and it sucks, because I am naturally inclined to think that I am not good enough. I want to be able to be close with him, but knowing that he's been with that many women is very intimidating. He says that they didn't mean anything to him and I believe him, but that doesn't change the number. 20 is 20.
But can I really judge him for any of this? He had a very bad phase, just as I had one too. That's not who I am and that's not who he is. In order to receive forgiveness, I have to forgive. But I'm sure hurt.
Obviously, it was really hard to say. And especially hard to look at his face then I said it. It was his worst fear come true and I knew it. I care about him so much and I want him to be able to trust me, but I know I lost some of that with my confession. It breaks my heart, but thats the consequences I will always have to live with. Every relationship from here on out with be tainted by my bad decisions. He said that he still trusts me, but if it comes to a sticky situation, I know that this is going to come back and bite me. But I know that I did the right thing. The whole thing that slightly remedies the situation is to fess up and not do it EVER again. Which is my intentions.
In exchange for my "deep dark secret", Ty had to share one of his own: how many women he had slept with. I was honestly a little scared to hear. I had hear about Tyler Mouw long before we had started talking and his reputation was not that great. How I heard it, he was basically a womanizer-jumping from one to the next and just being a huge flirt. He was VERY hesitant to tell me, because he feels very badly about how he behaved and wishes that he could take them all back.
His Number:20
the breakdown:
4- girlfriends
16-one night stands
About a year ago, he was cheated on by his girlfriend. The month or so following the break up, he went a little crazy and tried to get with as many girls as he could, resulting in many, many one night stands. Since then, he hasn't hooked up with anyone.
So my thoughts: It makes me so sad. It breaks my heart to know that no matter what, if I ultimately end up with Ty, he did not make the sacrafice for me that I have made for him. I will be forever compared to every girl he has ever been with and it sucks, because I am naturally inclined to think that I am not good enough. I want to be able to be close with him, but knowing that he's been with that many women is very intimidating. He says that they didn't mean anything to him and I believe him, but that doesn't change the number. 20 is 20.
But can I really judge him for any of this? He had a very bad phase, just as I had one too. That's not who I am and that's not who he is. In order to receive forgiveness, I have to forgive. But I'm sure hurt.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Hello Real World.
"But only if I move to Sioux City"
In a very odd turn of events, it appears that my stipulation about dating Tyler has become true. I am now a proud employee of St. Luke's Regional Medical Center :D This is obviously a huge relief to me. I am FINALLY starting my life!! Home is great but I am more than ready to live by myself and be more independent.
I am moving on the 18th so this week pretty much consists of packing, getting an apartment, buying furniture and ten million other things. So much to do, but I am thrilled to death about the whole thing.
So with my stipulation fulfilled, Tyler and I are now an official couple. woot! Two weekends ago, I went down to visit him and meet his family. It was great to finally be in his physical presence after these weeks of just talking. We were able to spend quite a bit of time alone and I loved every minute of it. He is the most affectionate and funny man. And he has an uncanny ability of making me unbelievibly flustered! It happened this past weekend too, but everytime I see him for the first time, I get SOO nervous even though I know him really well. I guess that's just my body's way of showing my attraction toward him.
Tyler is a special one. He may be a little crazy and unaccomplished, but we have chemistry like none other. It kind of freaks me out. The only person I have felt head-over-heels in love with was Austin. Up until this point, I have wrote that feeling off as the product of young, immature love. Why would I think otherwise? I cared about David and Andrew very much, but I never felt like I could not get enough of them. With Tyler I love every single bit of his personality and I am falling incredibly hard. I so used to having all the control in my relationships that it is scarier than hell to know that he could hurt me if he wanted too. But if this is the price I have to pay for a deep connection with someone, I'm sure going to do it. With him, everything makes sense. Its like I had been living in a dating world of muted colors and now he has made the colors brighter, which makes me see so clearly what I had been missing out on with my other men.
With Tyler, there is no compulsion to have a wandering eye. He is absolutely the only man on my mind. When I was with Andrew I always thought about David and when I was with David, I always thought about Andrew. Hence, the cheating and being a player. I never want to be that girl again. I have throughly learned the lesson that if you have ever an tiny bit of emotion for another boy, you should not be in the relationship. So after pretty much six months of steady cheating/playing, it feel weird to only be interested in one guy. The thought of Andrew or David appauls me and they cross my mind very little.
This weekend was a huge test of my resolve in this whole honesty-to-the-relationsihp department. I went down for my interview on thrusday, meaning that I stayed the whole weekend to party. Thursday night, I went to thirsty thrusday and got trashed (Note: eight shots in twenty minutes is never a good idea). I came back to dordt and crashed, but unlike any other drinking weekend at Dordt, I didnt text, call, or see David. The thought never entered my mind, and when I was with Andrew it ALWAYS did and I often gave in. On monday night, I had my Andrew test. It was Ariel's 21st birthday so we all went out to the bar and Andrew was there. I was quite intoxicated when it was all said and done, and then Andrew drove me home. He did not know that I have a thing with another guy ,so i could have been all over him all night if I wanted to, but I didn't. Didn't touch him once- even on the way home. And i wasn't restraining myself. I didn't, because I didn't feel anything towards him.
Both of these events are SOO significant to me because:
1. It proves that I am genuinely over both of them
2. It shows to myself that I can be an honorable person in a relationship
3. It suggests that there is something different about my feelings for Ty. With David and Andrew, they always were missing a critical piece, but I feel like Ty is the full package, so I dont need to look to other guys to be fulfilled in the relationship.
I am so happy I had these oppertunities to test myself and that the result was what I wanted it to be. Ty is one in a million and I am so so happy.
My only problem is that I need to confess my previous transgressions to him. He hates cheating, so this will be the worse possible thing for me to have to confess to him. But I have to. I can't dedicate myself to a relationship fully unless all the cards are on the table. I want to genuine with him, but its going to be very difficult. God give me strength.
In a very odd turn of events, it appears that my stipulation about dating Tyler has become true. I am now a proud employee of St. Luke's Regional Medical Center :D This is obviously a huge relief to me. I am FINALLY starting my life!! Home is great but I am more than ready to live by myself and be more independent.
I am moving on the 18th so this week pretty much consists of packing, getting an apartment, buying furniture and ten million other things. So much to do, but I am thrilled to death about the whole thing.
So with my stipulation fulfilled, Tyler and I are now an official couple. woot! Two weekends ago, I went down to visit him and meet his family. It was great to finally be in his physical presence after these weeks of just talking. We were able to spend quite a bit of time alone and I loved every minute of it. He is the most affectionate and funny man. And he has an uncanny ability of making me unbelievibly flustered! It happened this past weekend too, but everytime I see him for the first time, I get SOO nervous even though I know him really well. I guess that's just my body's way of showing my attraction toward him.
Tyler is a special one. He may be a little crazy and unaccomplished, but we have chemistry like none other. It kind of freaks me out. The only person I have felt head-over-heels in love with was Austin. Up until this point, I have wrote that feeling off as the product of young, immature love. Why would I think otherwise? I cared about David and Andrew very much, but I never felt like I could not get enough of them. With Tyler I love every single bit of his personality and I am falling incredibly hard. I so used to having all the control in my relationships that it is scarier than hell to know that he could hurt me if he wanted too. But if this is the price I have to pay for a deep connection with someone, I'm sure going to do it. With him, everything makes sense. Its like I had been living in a dating world of muted colors and now he has made the colors brighter, which makes me see so clearly what I had been missing out on with my other men.
With Tyler, there is no compulsion to have a wandering eye. He is absolutely the only man on my mind. When I was with Andrew I always thought about David and when I was with David, I always thought about Andrew. Hence, the cheating and being a player. I never want to be that girl again. I have throughly learned the lesson that if you have ever an tiny bit of emotion for another boy, you should not be in the relationship. So after pretty much six months of steady cheating/playing, it feel weird to only be interested in one guy. The thought of Andrew or David appauls me and they cross my mind very little.
This weekend was a huge test of my resolve in this whole honesty-to-the-relationsihp department. I went down for my interview on thrusday, meaning that I stayed the whole weekend to party. Thursday night, I went to thirsty thrusday and got trashed (Note: eight shots in twenty minutes is never a good idea). I came back to dordt and crashed, but unlike any other drinking weekend at Dordt, I didnt text, call, or see David. The thought never entered my mind, and when I was with Andrew it ALWAYS did and I often gave in. On monday night, I had my Andrew test. It was Ariel's 21st birthday so we all went out to the bar and Andrew was there. I was quite intoxicated when it was all said and done, and then Andrew drove me home. He did not know that I have a thing with another guy ,so i could have been all over him all night if I wanted to, but I didn't. Didn't touch him once- even on the way home. And i wasn't restraining myself. I didn't, because I didn't feel anything towards him.
Both of these events are SOO significant to me because:
1. It proves that I am genuinely over both of them
2. It shows to myself that I can be an honorable person in a relationship
3. It suggests that there is something different about my feelings for Ty. With David and Andrew, they always were missing a critical piece, but I feel like Ty is the full package, so I dont need to look to other guys to be fulfilled in the relationship.
I am so happy I had these oppertunities to test myself and that the result was what I wanted it to be. Ty is one in a million and I am so so happy.
My only problem is that I need to confess my previous transgressions to him. He hates cheating, so this will be the worse possible thing for me to have to confess to him. But I have to. I can't dedicate myself to a relationship fully unless all the cards are on the table. I want to genuine with him, but its going to be very difficult. God give me strength.
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