The baggage that keeps on giving

Of all my regrets, I am beginning to believe that David Alan Harrold is hands down the biggest one. I learned ALOT from that relationship, but I am having a horrible time trying to stop the baggage of David from hindering my relationships after him. Clearly, he was a major factor in the ending of my relationship with Andrew, and now it is jepordizing my relationship with Ty.

Ty and I hung out again this weekend and for the most part, it was wonderful. I am trying to work really hard on not letting his womanizing past intimidate me (sidenote: we talked this weekend and he said that he only messed around with maybe five women. The 16 one night stands were get in get off get out situations. This makes me feel better). I also am trying to not let his close relationship with his best friend Emily to be a concern to me..despite the fact that he admits that he could marry her today and that they would be happy forever. I care about him so much, and I am really starting get some strong emotions involved. So where does David come in?

I have not talked to David in a month. And it was a three minute conversation. I have no interest in talking to him, because I am really over it. Being with Ty just opens my eyes to see there are men out there that are all the things I loved about David and more. He is not that best I can do and I see that now. This said, there is absolutely NO interest in my mind in being with him. Just as Kyle showed me all the things that made David special, Ty shows me how foolish I was to be stuck on a guy like him for so long. Ty is so genuine in everything. He may be a big, tough guy, but he has the heart of a young child: incredibly sensitive and the biggest sweetheart in the world. I adore him.

David reared his ugly head in the most unforunate time this weekend. Ty and I were messing around and somehow, David's name spilled in. I was beyond shocked. I felt like someone else had said it. As soon as it was said, Ty tensed up and I knew the damage had been done. With Ty's history of being cheated on, this was a particularly deep cut. He was so upset, and I absolutely do not blame him. With Andrew, I called him David all the time...and then I cheated on him. Super Duper. I feel so heartbroken right now. What kind of girlfriend says an Ex's name? I DO NOT WANT DAVID. At all. I want Ty more than words, but somehow David's name came out. How could this happen??

It kills me, because no matter where I go or what I do, David haunts me. After all the heartbroken tears, fears, broken hopes, and broken promises with David, I want to forget him forever. I honestly try not to think of him very often, because I know I would only grow hatred in my heart for him. I relate David to the lowest point of my existence. And now that I am with someone that I love and is good to me, it is beyond frustrating to see him ruin this relationship too. I fucked up my relationship with Andrew, because of David, and I have promised myself that I will NEVER be that girl again. By far the most pathetic and unhonorable period of my life, of which I am horribly ashamed. I had always looked at Ty as a fresh start with a relationship untied down by a history of past pains. But now I have put the first black mark on the relationship and I am devastated. I want SOOOO desperately to move on, but my mistakes keep following me.

Ty was very angry, but he has graciously forgiven me and has tried to put it behind us. His reaction only makes me feel worse. He is so kind to me in spite of my un-take-back-able, amazingly large fuck up. Ty does not believe that David was not in my mind at the time, but it is the God honest truth. My mind was with Ty and something in my brain triggered "David" not "Ty".

So clearly, the most prominent question is: WHYYYYYYY?

Naturualy, I have tried to sort this out in my mind, but I honestly NEVER thought it would happen. So this is what I can figure:
1. David was the first boy that I ever messed around with, and because of that and the fact that there was alot of emotion involved in that relationship I am bonded to him. If I was the type that put out with lots of guys, I don't think it would be the case, but David was the first of three. Ever. Messing around is more than just play to me. It means something and it forms a connection that can be incredibly strong. So since, 90% of my memories of messing around situations are with him, my inner mind still jumps to his name, because that is what it is most used to saying.

2. David and I had a very hard and long relationship. We may not have been technically together the whole time, but my heart was his and vice versa. The only thing that prevented us from being official was my stubborness in knowing that things would ultimately never work. With all these emotions buzzing around and David's unpredictable temper, a lot of hurt was dished out. But I loved him and stayed because a part of me held hope we would make it. That all the heartache would be worth it. But it wasn't and that is what breaks my heart most of all. After all those passionate break ups and make ups, it didn't even work. He broke my heart in an odd sense, because everything he promised me he would do, he did not. He promised HE would be my exception, that HE would prove my pessimistic beliefs around relationships wrong, and that HE would show me big guys aren't all bullies, when in the end, he only confirmed my worst fears beyond what I thought was possible. Ultimately, what I'm saying is that it is hard after being with someone for soo long to just completely forget that they existance.

So basically it is my history with David compounded by that fact that my relationship with him was such an emotional drain.

I want to be with Ty. And I would do anything to take back what I have said. I want to think it will never happen again, but this happening once scares me to death. If I lose Ty over this..i don't know what I would do.