Deep Dark Secrets

Well, I did it. Somehow my conversation with Ty last night turned into the "deep dark secret" conversation. I really really wanted to talk to Ty about the cheating in person, because I know that it is something he is very sensitive to (since he was cheated on in a previous relationship). The best constilation way to talk about it was over skype, so we did.

Obviously, it was really hard to say. And especially hard to look at his face then I said it. It was his worst fear come true and I knew it. I care about him so much and I want him to be able to trust me, but I know I lost some of that with my confession. It breaks my heart, but thats the consequences I will always have to live with. Every relationship from here on out with be tainted by my bad decisions. He said that he still trusts me, but if it comes to a sticky situation, I know that this is going to come back and bite me. But I know that I did the right thing. The whole thing that slightly remedies the situation is to fess up and not do it EVER again. Which is my intentions.

In exchange for my "deep dark secret", Ty had to share one of his own: how many women he had slept with. I was honestly a little scared to hear. I had hear about Tyler Mouw long before we had started talking and his reputation was not that great. How I heard it, he was basically a womanizer-jumping from one to the next and just being a huge flirt. He was VERY hesitant to tell me, because he feels very badly about how he behaved and wishes that he could take them all back.
His Number:20
the breakdown:
4- girlfriends
16-one night stands
About a year ago, he was cheated on by his girlfriend. The month or so following the break up, he went a little crazy and tried to get with as many girls as he could, resulting in many, many one night stands. Since then, he hasn't hooked up with anyone.

So my thoughts: It makes me so sad. It breaks my heart to know that no matter what, if I ultimately end up with Ty, he did not make the sacrafice for me that I have made for him. I will be forever compared to every girl he has ever been with and it sucks, because I am naturally inclined to think that I am not good enough. I want to be able to be close with him, but knowing that he's been with that many women is very intimidating. He says that they didn't mean anything to him and I believe him, but that doesn't change the number. 20 is 20.

But can I really judge him for any of this? He had a very bad phase, just as I had one too. That's not who I am and that's not who he is. In order to receive forgiveness, I have to forgive. But I'm sure hurt.