But you said..

Its been a while since my last post, but that is mostly because Rufus chewed up my computer cord. Having waited for a new one to come for several weeks, I am now reconnected with the internet world :)

I feel like my world has been turned upside down in the last few weeks. Let us review why.

1. Since moving to SC I have been struggling with anxiety, sleeping, and binge-purging alot, as discussed in previous posts. This past week, I finally went to a pysch person to get a prescription for medication. I could not stand living my life like that. Before they would let me see an actual doctor, I had to have a meeting with a counselor, which proved to be more productive than I thought it would be. I have the doctor appoint on wednesday, but I am not sure I want to go. Talking with the counselor just made me realize that I need to keep Jesus the focus of my life. So i went out and bought a great devotional called "The Message//Remix: solo". Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do a devotion from my book and read a chapter from "The Purpose-driven Life". I know everyone has told you this, but it really helps put your day into perspective and sets you up with a good attitude inspite of whatever else is going on. Doing this has helped me so much and it would be great to do this without medications, so we will see.

2.Tyler..oh Tyler. The love of my life, but boy does he make me cry. But I honestly take it as a good thing rather than bad. Once again, this is an aspect that sets Tyler apart from David and Andrew. In both of those relationships, I never really cried (accept at the very very end of mine and David's). Even with all the break ups and make ups, I was relatively tearless. Part of me felt heartless and dysfunctional for not being able to cry, but the other part of me just figured it was me being mature. Now that I have been with Tyler, a guy i TRULY care very deeply for, I see that the reason I didn't cry is because my emotional investment was not very large. At the end of the day, if David or Andrew didn't come back, I didn't really care. I had a "fine. on to the next attitude". But with Tyler, as usually, that's not how it is.

In the past few weeks, Tyler had been acting differently and I could tell that the strain of having a long distance relationship was starting to get to him. I tried to make myself as acessible as possible by visiting midweek and talking at night, but it still wasn't cutting it for him. I was starting to feel like Ty was not interesting in me at all anymore. He was acting "checked out" (for the lack of a better term) and I didn't understand why. My mind naturally went to the worse place: I was convinced that the spark had left for him. That we had started in a whirlwind and that after four mouths the newness and awe of the relationship had rubbed off ,and he was realizing that he just wasn't interested anymore. These thoughts broke my heart ,but I didn't have the courage to confront Ty about it. I was afraid he would confirm them. Finally, after a solid week of crying myself to sleep, I found the courage to ask him why he was being like this. His response shocked me.

It was not that he didn't love me anymore. In fact, he promised me that his feelings were stronger than ever, but something else was bugging him. Basically, it was a struggle of priorities: friends or girlfriend. And since we live 1.5 hours apart, it unforunately has to be one or other. It breaks my heart, but at this point, he is choosing his friends and I don't blame him. we are young: 22 and 21 years old. We still have young, single friends and great times to be had. What's the point in rushing through your childhood to get into a serious relationship and get married? That is what worried Ty. He didn't want to turn into dozens of couples from his high school who got married when they were 20 and they were never seen out again..always at home with the wife. He was bawling as he told me all this, but I knew it was the truth and I knew he was absolutely right. There is no point in rushing our lives. I especially realize that now, having moved away and started my first big-girl job. He said he loved me dearly and when he was ready to be in a serious relationship, that he would come back to me.

So in that spirit, Ty and I are not together right now. We are both heart broken, but I know its the right thing to do. As they say "Let them go. If they come back to you, their yours. If they don't, they never were".

I have decided to steal back a bit of my childhood as well. I am returning to Dordt in the fall to finish my degree! I spent my senior year of high school at college and now I was planning to spend my senior year of college working and going to school full time. Why was I in such a rush?? I have good friends and good times at Dordt; therefore, I am going back to have one final year of freedom and craziness, and oh will it be :) I'm gonna stay up late, drink too much, flirt at the bar, attend various Dordt fuctions intoxicated...its going to be so fun! I missed my girlfriends at Dordt so much and I am so happy to be reunited with me. I need to slow down and enjoy the phase I am in. Unfortunately, it took a blow to my heart to see that.

So here is the plan:
1. not talk to Ty for the rest of the summer- He made the choice to leave and now he has to deal with it. If I make myself too available to him, he'll take forever to come back...I have to give him a chance to miss me and see how important I actually am to him.
2. When fall rolls around, Ty and I will start hanging out again and see where he stands after a summer with as much "guy time" as he wants. If he doesn't want something yet or at all, so be it! I'm gonna be busy with my own friend, social functions, other boys, and school. If I am not what he wants, I will move on.
3. I am gonna concentrate on four things this summer:
-my relationship with God
-work: gotta pay that tuition :/
-tanning
-working out
When I go back to Dordt I intend to be in the best shape of my life. I currently weigh 145 lbs (lose 20 lbs since January!). My goal for the summer is to lose 15 more lbs. When I left Dordt in January I was fat, unhappy, broken and inconfident. They are going to meet a new Mary Beth- a sexy, confident, outgoing girl. I want to met as many people as I can this year. I want to be a social butterfly for the first time in my whole life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!