Weekly Drama Update

Where do I start after a week like this...
Perhaps with a little advice?

ADVICE: Dont be involved with more than one guy at a time..even it your not dating either of them. If there are strong emotions involved, stick to one.


I started off the week with a not so warm and fuzzy conversation with Kyle. After seeing for a while that things would not be working out, I had to finally tell him that there is no chance between us. In true Kyle fashion, he did his normal rejection rant:
" Thats it, why do I even try. There is something wrong with me"
"EVERYONE else has a girlfiend, I am so alone"
" I thought you were it. We had such GREAT moments with each other" ( "great times"?? We hung out like twice...and kissed like three times. There was no connect or chemistry AT ALL..so idk what he is talking about)
"I have NO ONE to talk to.."

In a nutshell, he acted like a heartbroken twelve year old..super impressive. In fact, hearing all that make me wanna run back to him (That statement drips with sarcasm fyi). His response was soo immature. Essentially, he bases the value of his existance on whether he is in a relationhip or not. He has no confidence in himself. No self worth that says to himself, " I am a good guy and I deserve the best girl. Just because I have not found her doesnt mean I am dysfunctional. It just means, I havent met her yet". He is a perfect example of the dependent guy. The type of guy who will take ANY girl, because he thinks he will never do better. What would motivate any girl to accept his advances? Any self-respecting girl wouldn't. What honor would that be?
I value myself. I believe I have great things to offer, and I want to be with someone who has weeding through the masses and picked me SPECIFICALLY because they appreciate what I bring to the table, for who I am. This attitude that Kyle has irks me. He has no direction, no ambition or goals. He choses to live a life of so limited dimensions: He works. He hangs out with friends. That is it. He has no hobbies. No passions. Nothing to occupy his time, not because he has to, but because he choses not to do anything with his life. I could never be with someone like that. I am such a strong-minded and passionate person that i simply cannot understand someone not wanting to chasing things they desire and live big. And to top it all off, he is not a deep thinker...much too simple for me. I greatly enjoy a good discussion, but if only one person is having deep thoughts, it wont go very far.

For all these reasons, I knew things would never work between us. He is too clingy, too dependent, and too weak minded for me. Of course, I would not say all these things to him. I merely said that school was too busy and I didnt want to be tied down when I graduate because I want to go places..not stay in Waconia. I still valued him as a friend because he is a perfectly nice guy, but I was not going to force that relationship on him. I let him decide if he stil wanted to be friends, and he did.

Case closed, right? Wrong. Through a tangle of conversations and what not through the rest of the week, I have discovered how truly immature he is. He has no ability to cope with adversity, and simply can not handle letting go of a relationship with me. He is emotional and rash. He wants to be friends, but cant handle it. And when I say we should stop talking until summer, it is the end of the world to him. He is dramatic. So, NOW the case is closed. WE WILL NEVER DATE.

Immaturity = biggest turn off EVER
Well, I got that decided BUT now...Kyle hates me...my summer might be ruined because he will be a drama queen and fight with me the whole time...So i am feeling great right now.

AND he is begging to know what he did wrong that makes us never work. How do i explain that to him? He wont understand. It will be like talking to a brink wall.


So thats boy #1.
Now boy #2: David. It was our would-have-been one year, last friday...we couldnt stay away. I was so depressed and I missed him so horribly. So we hungout..and cuddled..basically acted like a couple. So for the rest of the week, we have been trying to stop seeing each other, but just CANT do it. It is so hard not to talk to him when i want to and could easily. But something has been really irking me about him too:
So all the times we have been hanging out this week, we cuddle and talk. Just like old times...and also, just like old times, things start going places...
I always resist, because I do not want to have that kind of relationship especially since we are not dating. But in the end, he seduces me and we mess around. I told him over and over that I dont want to be like that. He says he agrees but then it ALWAYS happens and always because he is pushing it.

Yesterday was his birthday, we werent supposed to see each other, because we had decided to work on ourselves and not see each other for a long time. But, naturally, we couldnt stick to it, so late last night, he came over to talk, because he was upset. We talked, and then he begged me to cuddle. So I did. Then he begged me to mess around..I gave in. Not because i truly wanted to, but because he did. When it was over, I felt horrible. I always do. You know the saying " the girl walks away feeling like a slut and the guy walks away feeling like a champ" SO TRUE. I felt like the biggest skank ever..but he had absolutely no remorse about it. He thinks it is all cool.

So what does this say to me? I am a booty call. I am a worthless piece of ass, because no matter what the situation is, he turns it into messing around. I got super mad...I was sick to my stomach. I felt so used. I never want to be used like that again.

But maybe it is a good thing. Now, whenever i flirt with talking to him, i will just think: "your only a piece of meat to him, nothing more." It hurts, but I guess it is for the best. Maybe he will grow up someday and get some fucking control of his...idk what you call it..sex drive?

SO:
1. Kyle is ridiculously immature..yet another one lost to that plague
2. Kyle immaturely hates me for trying to be real with him.
3. I feel used by David.
4. I love David...but I need better than that.


Boys Suck.
Peace.