“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
For once, this quote has fulfilled itself in the way we all wish it would :D
The day after my last entry, I was supposed to go see Ty for a final goodbye. Last minute, I decided I couldn't bare to go see him and know I couldn't have him. I was finally starting to get into a good place about the situation, and I didn't want to upset my progress. Ty agreed that no one would benefit from seeing each other, but we continued to text that day.
Finally, as the day was ending and the cut off approached, Tyler broke. He asked me out again. I was completely surprised, because I seriously thought he was done and not going to take it back. But in conversations since then, He says not being with me hurt him a lot more than he had ever let on
Needless to say, I am incredibly happy he is back. I am in love with him and life simply was not nearly as happy without him. The only penalty of this "hiccup" is my trust in him is shaken. He completed blindsided me when he called it off and now he is back to the way he was before, if not more fervent in wanting to be with me forever. It hard to readjust, considering a week ago, he was acting like living the single life was what he wanted. He says that even one week away showed him how important I am in his life and how his guy friends have their place, but its not the same closeness and bond of having a girlfriend. He promises he will never do it again. I know he is sincere, but it is still going to take some time to feel confident that he will stay like he says.
Our rekindling came with very good time. A few days after we got back together, his mother got some horrible news. She has had melanoma for the past ten years, but it had always been under control. This spring, she had a major surgery to get rid of some of the new spots that had shown up on her arm and in her breast and colon. She has to be completely cancer free before they could start her planned therapy. Unfortunately, the MRI showed a tumor in her brain. This is devastating news. Mets to the brain shows advanced cancer, and Jana is forty and far too young to leave her family behind. Ty is incrediblly close to his mother; therefore, this news is crushing him and rightfully so. Melanoma progresses fast, so who knows how long it will take to get her. I'm trying to be there for him as much as I can, but what do you say? There is no redeeming element to this situation. It just all round sucks and is completely unfair.
This is why Ty and I need each other. I need to help him through his mother's illness. And he will help me through the stressful, crazy world of being a new RN.
We are in this together.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
But you said..
Its been a while since my last post, but that is mostly because Rufus chewed up my computer cord. Having waited for a new one to come for several weeks, I am now reconnected with the internet world :)
I feel like my world has been turned upside down in the last few weeks. Let us review why.
1. Since moving to SC I have been struggling with anxiety, sleeping, and binge-purging alot, as discussed in previous posts. This past week, I finally went to a pysch person to get a prescription for medication. I could not stand living my life like that. Before they would let me see an actual doctor, I had to have a meeting with a counselor, which proved to be more productive than I thought it would be. I have the doctor appoint on wednesday, but I am not sure I want to go. Talking with the counselor just made me realize that I need to keep Jesus the focus of my life. So i went out and bought a great devotional called "The Message//Remix: solo". Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do a devotion from my book and read a chapter from "The Purpose-driven Life". I know everyone has told you this, but it really helps put your day into perspective and sets you up with a good attitude inspite of whatever else is going on. Doing this has helped me so much and it would be great to do this without medications, so we will see.
2.Tyler..oh Tyler. The love of my life, but boy does he make me cry. But I honestly take it as a good thing rather than bad. Once again, this is an aspect that sets Tyler apart from David and Andrew. In both of those relationships, I never really cried (accept at the very very end of mine and David's). Even with all the break ups and make ups, I was relatively tearless. Part of me felt heartless and dysfunctional for not being able to cry, but the other part of me just figured it was me being mature. Now that I have been with Tyler, a guy i TRULY care very deeply for, I see that the reason I didn't cry is because my emotional investment was not very large. At the end of the day, if David or Andrew didn't come back, I didn't really care. I had a "fine. on to the next attitude". But with Tyler, as usually, that's not how it is.
In the past few weeks, Tyler had been acting differently and I could tell that the strain of having a long distance relationship was starting to get to him. I tried to make myself as acessible as possible by visiting midweek and talking at night, but it still wasn't cutting it for him. I was starting to feel like Ty was not interesting in me at all anymore. He was acting "checked out" (for the lack of a better term) and I didn't understand why. My mind naturally went to the worse place: I was convinced that the spark had left for him. That we had started in a whirlwind and that after four mouths the newness and awe of the relationship had rubbed off ,and he was realizing that he just wasn't interested anymore. These thoughts broke my heart ,but I didn't have the courage to confront Ty about it. I was afraid he would confirm them. Finally, after a solid week of crying myself to sleep, I found the courage to ask him why he was being like this. His response shocked me.
It was not that he didn't love me anymore. In fact, he promised me that his feelings were stronger than ever, but something else was bugging him. Basically, it was a struggle of priorities: friends or girlfriend. And since we live 1.5 hours apart, it unforunately has to be one or other. It breaks my heart, but at this point, he is choosing his friends and I don't blame him. we are young: 22 and 21 years old. We still have young, single friends and great times to be had. What's the point in rushing through your childhood to get into a serious relationship and get married? That is what worried Ty. He didn't want to turn into dozens of couples from his high school who got married when they were 20 and they were never seen out again..always at home with the wife. He was bawling as he told me all this, but I knew it was the truth and I knew he was absolutely right. There is no point in rushing our lives. I especially realize that now, having moved away and started my first big-girl job. He said he loved me dearly and when he was ready to be in a serious relationship, that he would come back to me.
So in that spirit, Ty and I are not together right now. We are both heart broken, but I know its the right thing to do. As they say "Let them go. If they come back to you, their yours. If they don't, they never were".
I have decided to steal back a bit of my childhood as well. I am returning to Dordt in the fall to finish my degree! I spent my senior year of high school at college and now I was planning to spend my senior year of college working and going to school full time. Why was I in such a rush?? I have good friends and good times at Dordt; therefore, I am going back to have one final year of freedom and craziness, and oh will it be :) I'm gonna stay up late, drink too much, flirt at the bar, attend various Dordt fuctions intoxicated...its going to be so fun! I missed my girlfriends at Dordt so much and I am so happy to be reunited with me. I need to slow down and enjoy the phase I am in. Unfortunately, it took a blow to my heart to see that.
So here is the plan:
1. not talk to Ty for the rest of the summer- He made the choice to leave and now he has to deal with it. If I make myself too available to him, he'll take forever to come back...I have to give him a chance to miss me and see how important I actually am to him.
2. When fall rolls around, Ty and I will start hanging out again and see where he stands after a summer with as much "guy time" as he wants. If he doesn't want something yet or at all, so be it! I'm gonna be busy with my own friend, social functions, other boys, and school. If I am not what he wants, I will move on.
3. I am gonna concentrate on four things this summer:
-my relationship with God
-work: gotta pay that tuition :/
-tanning
-working out
When I go back to Dordt I intend to be in the best shape of my life. I currently weigh 145 lbs (lose 20 lbs since January!). My goal for the summer is to lose 15 more lbs. When I left Dordt in January I was fat, unhappy, broken and inconfident. They are going to meet a new Mary Beth- a sexy, confident, outgoing girl. I want to met as many people as I can this year. I want to be a social butterfly for the first time in my whole life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
I feel like my world has been turned upside down in the last few weeks. Let us review why.
1. Since moving to SC I have been struggling with anxiety, sleeping, and binge-purging alot, as discussed in previous posts. This past week, I finally went to a pysch person to get a prescription for medication. I could not stand living my life like that. Before they would let me see an actual doctor, I had to have a meeting with a counselor, which proved to be more productive than I thought it would be. I have the doctor appoint on wednesday, but I am not sure I want to go. Talking with the counselor just made me realize that I need to keep Jesus the focus of my life. So i went out and bought a great devotional called "The Message//Remix: solo". Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do a devotion from my book and read a chapter from "The Purpose-driven Life". I know everyone has told you this, but it really helps put your day into perspective and sets you up with a good attitude inspite of whatever else is going on. Doing this has helped me so much and it would be great to do this without medications, so we will see.
2.Tyler..oh Tyler. The love of my life, but boy does he make me cry. But I honestly take it as a good thing rather than bad. Once again, this is an aspect that sets Tyler apart from David and Andrew. In both of those relationships, I never really cried (accept at the very very end of mine and David's). Even with all the break ups and make ups, I was relatively tearless. Part of me felt heartless and dysfunctional for not being able to cry, but the other part of me just figured it was me being mature. Now that I have been with Tyler, a guy i TRULY care very deeply for, I see that the reason I didn't cry is because my emotional investment was not very large. At the end of the day, if David or Andrew didn't come back, I didn't really care. I had a "fine. on to the next attitude". But with Tyler, as usually, that's not how it is.
In the past few weeks, Tyler had been acting differently and I could tell that the strain of having a long distance relationship was starting to get to him. I tried to make myself as acessible as possible by visiting midweek and talking at night, but it still wasn't cutting it for him. I was starting to feel like Ty was not interesting in me at all anymore. He was acting "checked out" (for the lack of a better term) and I didn't understand why. My mind naturally went to the worse place: I was convinced that the spark had left for him. That we had started in a whirlwind and that after four mouths the newness and awe of the relationship had rubbed off ,and he was realizing that he just wasn't interested anymore. These thoughts broke my heart ,but I didn't have the courage to confront Ty about it. I was afraid he would confirm them. Finally, after a solid week of crying myself to sleep, I found the courage to ask him why he was being like this. His response shocked me.
It was not that he didn't love me anymore. In fact, he promised me that his feelings were stronger than ever, but something else was bugging him. Basically, it was a struggle of priorities: friends or girlfriend. And since we live 1.5 hours apart, it unforunately has to be one or other. It breaks my heart, but at this point, he is choosing his friends and I don't blame him. we are young: 22 and 21 years old. We still have young, single friends and great times to be had. What's the point in rushing through your childhood to get into a serious relationship and get married? That is what worried Ty. He didn't want to turn into dozens of couples from his high school who got married when they were 20 and they were never seen out again..always at home with the wife. He was bawling as he told me all this, but I knew it was the truth and I knew he was absolutely right. There is no point in rushing our lives. I especially realize that now, having moved away and started my first big-girl job. He said he loved me dearly and when he was ready to be in a serious relationship, that he would come back to me.
So in that spirit, Ty and I are not together right now. We are both heart broken, but I know its the right thing to do. As they say "Let them go. If they come back to you, their yours. If they don't, they never were".
I have decided to steal back a bit of my childhood as well. I am returning to Dordt in the fall to finish my degree! I spent my senior year of high school at college and now I was planning to spend my senior year of college working and going to school full time. Why was I in such a rush?? I have good friends and good times at Dordt; therefore, I am going back to have one final year of freedom and craziness, and oh will it be :) I'm gonna stay up late, drink too much, flirt at the bar, attend various Dordt fuctions intoxicated...its going to be so fun! I missed my girlfriends at Dordt so much and I am so happy to be reunited with me. I need to slow down and enjoy the phase I am in. Unfortunately, it took a blow to my heart to see that.
So here is the plan:
1. not talk to Ty for the rest of the summer- He made the choice to leave and now he has to deal with it. If I make myself too available to him, he'll take forever to come back...I have to give him a chance to miss me and see how important I actually am to him.
2. When fall rolls around, Ty and I will start hanging out again and see where he stands after a summer with as much "guy time" as he wants. If he doesn't want something yet or at all, so be it! I'm gonna be busy with my own friend, social functions, other boys, and school. If I am not what he wants, I will move on.
3. I am gonna concentrate on four things this summer:
-my relationship with God
-work: gotta pay that tuition :/
-tanning
-working out
When I go back to Dordt I intend to be in the best shape of my life. I currently weigh 145 lbs (lose 20 lbs since January!). My goal for the summer is to lose 15 more lbs. When I left Dordt in January I was fat, unhappy, broken and inconfident. They are going to meet a new Mary Beth- a sexy, confident, outgoing girl. I want to met as many people as I can this year. I want to be a social butterfly for the first time in my whole life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I can't stop binging and purging. I don't think a week as gone by since I moved to Sioux City where I have not at least once. Its so frustrating, because I know it is bad for me, yet I continue to do it anyways. I don't know what draws me to it, but the oddly fulfilling feeling it gives me drives me to do it again..again...again.
I feel like I will NEVER to able to put this habit to rest. I can't escape it.
I feel like I will NEVER to able to put this habit to rest. I can't escape it.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Missing Piece.
Over the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with focusing my life , which results in anxiety,feeling unbalance and unsure of myself. Work is very stress and when I have no other coping mechanism, I eat. This makes my relationship with Ty suffer, because I start to back out of plans and lose faith in our relationship (the whole "Im not good enough" thought process).
I CAN NOT GO BACK TO THIS.
I have worked SOO hard in the past few months to get my body under control and I do not want it to slip away from me now. And beyond that, when I am eating poorly the rest of my life suffers even more so than it does normally. Basically, I am trying to find my footings here in my new reality and it is really hard. I hate waking up and feeling depressed and empty. I have no reason to be! I have a fulfilling job, an apartment to myself, food, friends, and loving family and boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more I know that GOD is the missing thing in the picture. Everything seems so meaningless without him there. I know if I would simply put my trust in him, so much of my worrying would go away: my work stress, my relationship stress, my body stress. He gives me so much peace, but I have definitely fallen away from that in the past year. I need to befriend Jesus again, because I can't do this alone.
I want to be happy, and I can not find that in work or Ty. It only can come from Jesus. I am starting a bible study tomorrow. Things have got to change.
I CAN NOT GO BACK TO THIS.
I have worked SOO hard in the past few months to get my body under control and I do not want it to slip away from me now. And beyond that, when I am eating poorly the rest of my life suffers even more so than it does normally. Basically, I am trying to find my footings here in my new reality and it is really hard. I hate waking up and feeling depressed and empty. I have no reason to be! I have a fulfilling job, an apartment to myself, food, friends, and loving family and boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more I know that GOD is the missing thing in the picture. Everything seems so meaningless without him there. I know if I would simply put my trust in him, so much of my worrying would go away: my work stress, my relationship stress, my body stress. He gives me so much peace, but I have definitely fallen away from that in the past year. I need to befriend Jesus again, because I can't do this alone.
I want to be happy, and I can not find that in work or Ty. It only can come from Jesus. I am starting a bible study tomorrow. Things have got to change.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Growing Up :)
Because of my career, the standard 9-5 M-F schedule does not really work. This explains why, on a wednesday, I am camped out on Ty's bed while he is at work. My schedule is essentially three days on, two off, four on, two off, etc. So that makes little "weekends" in the middle of the week sometimes. Which is nice, since that gives me more oppertunities to see Ty.
Firstly, I LOVE MY JOB. I am really stressed out and have had some trouble sleeping, but working is amazing. I love being with the patients and learning so many new things everyday. AND i got my first big girl paycheck today! 921.00. Decent? It sucks that taxes takes like $300. It really freaks me out trying to budget my expensives. I'm afraid that I will predict wrong and be surprisingly broke. My next big purchase is a TV (approx $400), so I think I will wait for my next paycheck before I buy. But generally speaking, in spite of the added stress, I am loving being on my own and working.
Besides my life going well, I am VERY happy to see some pleasant changes in Ty. They are not huge, but they are steps in the right direction and they show that his thought process is maturing and he is starting to value more important areas of his life.
I have mentioned before that Ty's maturity concerns me at times. He does not have a very well paying job yet refuses to go to school or find a job he can work up in the chain in. In the long run, this could be a major problem because Lord knows I do not want to be the sole breadwinner on a nurse's salary. Ty still is not planning on changing his job BUT there are other small steps being made, which will hopefully eventually turn into a career change as well.
1. Drinking- In the past, drinking has been a huge part of his lifestyle and a huge expensive. Ty admitted the other day, that in the month after he was cheated on and broke up with Kaitlyn he spent over $1600 on booze (the same month that he was a whore and slept with 15 women)
SIDE NOTE: A few weeks ago, I finally put my foot down and demanded that he go get tested for STD's. It wasn't that he was unwilling to go, it was just embarassing. Forunately, April is STD awareness month so he was able to get all his testing for free (it can cost over $300!). And best of all, he is completely clean..even after all those girls. This news takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It makes me feel like we can finally let his past die and move on.
But even when he wasn't heartbroken over a cheating girlfriend, Ty drank and got drunk alot. Got kicked out of bars. Almost died in snowbanks. Drunk drove. Got fired from a job for being hung over. Drinking was his main companion and favorite activity. I have mentioned before that Ty wants to stop drinking. When he first said it I thought that he would for a while, but then go back but thats not whats happening. He legit does not want to drink any more. He likes to have a few but overwise, he stops. For the past few weekends he has willingly been the DD for all his friends and doesn't even mind. If there was a time for him to miss it, it would be when all his friends are doing it right in front of him, but he said he doesn't miss it at all. This is a huge relief to me, because
a. I don't have to worry about him getting hurt or in trouble anymore. Its amazing to me that he does not have a DUI and thank god, because if he did, he would probably never get to work with children again and it would be alot harder for him to get a job.
b. Its one less expense for him. He is trying really hard to make this whole childcare job work, but it is difficult when he gets paid so little.
c. Its a sign of maturity- he is putting the party lifestyle to rest and not because someone ( or I) told him to, its because he wants to. When I asked him why he was doing it he said:" I am just not in that mindset anymore. I want to get married someday and have kids and a family. I don't want to party".
2. Earrings- okay so this one is not that big a deal, but it still says something. Last night, Ty played softball on a team with a bunch of buddies. He took out his earrings before the game and when I gave them back to him on the ride home, he said that he didn't think he wanted to put them back in. I asked why and he said he wore them to be hotter but now it really doesn't matter. This decision just gives more support to his no alcohol one. Let's be honest, boys wearing earring stamps "punk"/ "douchbag" on their foreheads. Are earrings hott? Yes. I think they are hott as hell, but they definitely put you in the bad boy, party category, which can leave a bad impression on some. And he doesn't want them anymore :) He doesn't want to be that guy and I am so proud of him.
The biggest triumph in all of this is that I never said a word to him about this stuff. He thought about it and wanted to do it by himself. It makes me so unbelievably happy because his maturity and ability to be responsible is the ONLY thing I am ever worried about with him. I love him dearly, I trust him to be faithful without a doubt, we are front similar background and have similar values..plus ten million other things I love about him. It is awesome to see the only question mark start to resolve itself. I already told Ty that if we were ever to get married and I would have to date him for at least two years. This is why when the maturity bit was in question, I was okay with it. People can change alot in two year. It is amazing to see things already starting to turn around in the first few months of dating. I love this boy.
Firstly, I LOVE MY JOB. I am really stressed out and have had some trouble sleeping, but working is amazing. I love being with the patients and learning so many new things everyday. AND i got my first big girl paycheck today! 921.00. Decent? It sucks that taxes takes like $300. It really freaks me out trying to budget my expensives. I'm afraid that I will predict wrong and be surprisingly broke. My next big purchase is a TV (approx $400), so I think I will wait for my next paycheck before I buy. But generally speaking, in spite of the added stress, I am loving being on my own and working.
Besides my life going well, I am VERY happy to see some pleasant changes in Ty. They are not huge, but they are steps in the right direction and they show that his thought process is maturing and he is starting to value more important areas of his life.
I have mentioned before that Ty's maturity concerns me at times. He does not have a very well paying job yet refuses to go to school or find a job he can work up in the chain in. In the long run, this could be a major problem because Lord knows I do not want to be the sole breadwinner on a nurse's salary. Ty still is not planning on changing his job BUT there are other small steps being made, which will hopefully eventually turn into a career change as well.
1. Drinking- In the past, drinking has been a huge part of his lifestyle and a huge expensive. Ty admitted the other day, that in the month after he was cheated on and broke up with Kaitlyn he spent over $1600 on booze (the same month that he was a whore and slept with 15 women)
SIDE NOTE: A few weeks ago, I finally put my foot down and demanded that he go get tested for STD's. It wasn't that he was unwilling to go, it was just embarassing. Forunately, April is STD awareness month so he was able to get all his testing for free (it can cost over $300!). And best of all, he is completely clean..even after all those girls. This news takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It makes me feel like we can finally let his past die and move on.
But even when he wasn't heartbroken over a cheating girlfriend, Ty drank and got drunk alot. Got kicked out of bars. Almost died in snowbanks. Drunk drove. Got fired from a job for being hung over. Drinking was his main companion and favorite activity. I have mentioned before that Ty wants to stop drinking. When he first said it I thought that he would for a while, but then go back but thats not whats happening. He legit does not want to drink any more. He likes to have a few but overwise, he stops. For the past few weekends he has willingly been the DD for all his friends and doesn't even mind. If there was a time for him to miss it, it would be when all his friends are doing it right in front of him, but he said he doesn't miss it at all. This is a huge relief to me, because
a. I don't have to worry about him getting hurt or in trouble anymore. Its amazing to me that he does not have a DUI and thank god, because if he did, he would probably never get to work with children again and it would be alot harder for him to get a job.
b. Its one less expense for him. He is trying really hard to make this whole childcare job work, but it is difficult when he gets paid so little.
c. Its a sign of maturity- he is putting the party lifestyle to rest and not because someone ( or I) told him to, its because he wants to. When I asked him why he was doing it he said:" I am just not in that mindset anymore. I want to get married someday and have kids and a family. I don't want to party".
2. Earrings- okay so this one is not that big a deal, but it still says something. Last night, Ty played softball on a team with a bunch of buddies. He took out his earrings before the game and when I gave them back to him on the ride home, he said that he didn't think he wanted to put them back in. I asked why and he said he wore them to be hotter but now it really doesn't matter. This decision just gives more support to his no alcohol one. Let's be honest, boys wearing earring stamps "punk"/ "douchbag" on their foreheads. Are earrings hott? Yes. I think they are hott as hell, but they definitely put you in the bad boy, party category, which can leave a bad impression on some. And he doesn't want them anymore :) He doesn't want to be that guy and I am so proud of him.
The biggest triumph in all of this is that I never said a word to him about this stuff. He thought about it and wanted to do it by himself. It makes me so unbelievably happy because his maturity and ability to be responsible is the ONLY thing I am ever worried about with him. I love him dearly, I trust him to be faithful without a doubt, we are front similar background and have similar values..plus ten million other things I love about him. It is awesome to see the only question mark start to resolve itself. I already told Ty that if we were ever to get married and I would have to date him for at least two years. This is why when the maturity bit was in question, I was okay with it. People can change alot in two year. It is amazing to see things already starting to turn around in the first few months of dating. I love this boy.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Blahhh Day
Firstly, I am not a morning person, so starting work at 6:45 am is not really my thing. Especially with nursing as a career. It is amazing how overworked and understaffed hospitals are. It boogles my mind that safe care is given at all when nurses are stretched so thin. This makes me a nervous wreck. I am going to be an independently practicing nurse in six weeks, how am I, Mary Beth, EVER going to be able to juggle all this. I love being a nurse and would never take it back BUT it makes for a long long day. I am quickly learning that 7- 3:30 does not mean that at all..its more like 6:40 to 5 or 6, if your not mandated to stay until 7 or 8.
So long story short, I am soo tired; therefore, no workout for me tonight. I just want to be a pile and go to bed early.
The only not blah/tired thing about my day is Ty. I am so head over heels I am starting to scare myself. I have been with other guys and I've been in love, but never ever like this. Ty is different and in the best ways. For the first time since I was sixteen, I genuinely know that if a guy (Ty) wanted to, he could break my heart. I thought I loved David and kinda thought I loved Andrew, but now I KNOW i didn't. I never went crazy for them the way I do for Ty. Looking back, I think I thought I loved them, because they loved me (if that makes sense). Meaning, their affection and passion for me, made me be attracted to them. My feelings were exclusively based on their over the top feelings for me, because being with someone who lives and breaths for you feels good. To be wanted feels good.
I wake up every day more in love with Ty and because of this, it absolutely kills me not being able to see him during the week. He hangs out with his friends alot, so most days I speak to him for twenty minutes tops. I have always hated long-distance relationships but Ty puts it on a whole other level. I have never wanted to come home to someone so much. I must be honeymooning like a bitch, or maybe this is the real deal. And the older I get, the more I yearn to have the "real deal". This week, I have been taking care of a mid-fifty year old male, who constantly has his wife by his side. They have been married for 31 years and when I asked him how he does it, he almost started crying as he said, "She's my best friend". You can see how much they love each other when they interact. They are both firecrackers, but when it is all said and done, they ooze devotion to each other. He is very very sick and you can see that she cares about him more than anything in the world. I want to have that. That even after 31 years together, the thought of not having them drives me crazy with anxiety and fear. I want to be in LOVE and never fall out of it.
So long story short, I am soo tired; therefore, no workout for me tonight. I just want to be a pile and go to bed early.
The only not blah/tired thing about my day is Ty. I am so head over heels I am starting to scare myself. I have been with other guys and I've been in love, but never ever like this. Ty is different and in the best ways. For the first time since I was sixteen, I genuinely know that if a guy (Ty) wanted to, he could break my heart. I thought I loved David and kinda thought I loved Andrew, but now I KNOW i didn't. I never went crazy for them the way I do for Ty. Looking back, I think I thought I loved them, because they loved me (if that makes sense). Meaning, their affection and passion for me, made me be attracted to them. My feelings were exclusively based on their over the top feelings for me, because being with someone who lives and breaths for you feels good. To be wanted feels good.
I wake up every day more in love with Ty and because of this, it absolutely kills me not being able to see him during the week. He hangs out with his friends alot, so most days I speak to him for twenty minutes tops. I have always hated long-distance relationships but Ty puts it on a whole other level. I have never wanted to come home to someone so much. I must be honeymooning like a bitch, or maybe this is the real deal. And the older I get, the more I yearn to have the "real deal". This week, I have been taking care of a mid-fifty year old male, who constantly has his wife by his side. They have been married for 31 years and when I asked him how he does it, he almost started crying as he said, "She's my best friend". You can see how much they love each other when they interact. They are both firecrackers, but when it is all said and done, they ooze devotion to each other. He is very very sick and you can see that she cares about him more than anything in the world. I want to have that. That even after 31 years together, the thought of not having them drives me crazy with anxiety and fear. I want to be in LOVE and never fall out of it.
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