Whoa. The semester is over and I have posted only twice. This is such a shame since it has been the craziest five months of my life. So many crazy nights with my roomies, drama with David, drama with Andrew, and trying to graduate from nursing during it all. When I look back and reflect now that I am home for good, more than anything, I hope and pray that I am making the right decision. So let's review the events:
As I said in my last post, David has this addictive quality to him and it most definitely inhibited my ability to pursue a relationship with another person. So as a final plea to forget David and move on, I blocked his number and refused to talk to him no matter what. We had discussed it previously, and had both decided that being separate would be the best: for me, it would allow me to move on with other relationships. For him, it would allow him to pass college and not fail all his classes..again. Well, that plan did not work out so hot. David went absolutely crazy. He knocked on my door multiple times everyday, deflated my car tires, and stole things out of my car. I eventually tried to confront him about his pyschoitic behavior, at which point, he made threats and intimidated me. I was pissed. He thought he could just walk all over me without a conseqeunce? Well, I told the school. They made him move out of his dorm and forbade him from talking to me. If he did, he would be promptly kicked out of the school. At first, I was satisfied and pretty pleased with myself, but eventually, my cold exterior melted to expose a hurt little girl. It was the insult that I was used to coming from David, but this time it was worse, because he was so much scarier. I was hurt, because David had always represented a safe harbor, a safe space where I was protected in every sense of the word. He understood and knew every part of me and promised to be my guardian, my angel. I felt like he had spat on that image. The very person I would have trust with my life, was threatening to me hurt.
I was absolutely crushed, but I couldn't do anything about it. I missed him, yet hated him for betraying me in that way. In the end, it led to the demise of my relationship with Andrew. There were definitely other factors that went into the break up, but David was a major player. I would never admit that to Andrew, because it would break his heart. But I felt so conflicted about my ambivalence toward David that I needed to be boy free to try to figure it out.
So I took a risk, I called David. After a month of silence between us, I needed to speak with him. I felt like just hits presence would make everything make sense again. That together we could figure out where we went wrong. The call was probably one of the ballsiest things I have every done. I was hitting the ball into his court, and praying that he would receive it well. If he wanted to, he could have turned me into the school for contacting him and then I would have looked like a huge dumb-ass and would have been in trouble. Fortunately, he received it well, so I snuck over to his room. This was quite the feat considering we were forbidden to see each other, meaning that if we were caught be the right people, we were screwed. From there, David and I were together as much as Nursing would afford us for the next month or so. We had our ups and downs, but overall, we had a great time together. The reasons we weren't officially together were apparent throughout the experience, but I love him all the time.
And then it was over, and we had to say goodbye. This one had some true finality to it, which is probably why I cried so much..and then cried all the way back to Minnesota. Parts of me want to say "FUCK IT! stay at Dordt! Love David and live happily ever after!" But I know, that is not how it would go...there are too many wounds between us. So much history and so much hurt and issues that have yet to be resolved. At the end of the day, I just wish things could be different..I wish he could be different. My only comfort, when it is all said and done, is that I lived this semester by my heartstrings and nothing else. I loved passionately. Took chances. Lived on the crazy side. Snuck around. Made memories. I wouldn't take any of it back, and I KNOW that no matter what I do, it will turn out in the end. I just need to have faith..and goddamn patience (not bitter or anything :) Peace homes.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
D(cocaine)avid.
I am sitting here completely boggled by the human mind and capacity to feel such conflicting emotions.
I have been with Andrew. I love Andrew. He treats me better than I deserve, and loves me in return. He is mature, responsible, sensitive, sweet, and so many great things. I love being with him.
After my experience with David a few weeks ago, I will never forgive him. What he did is unexcusable. Besides the fact that I got absolutely NO pleasure from any of it. I am not attracted to him in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of way AT ALL, but yet I can not shake him..it makes absolutely no sense. He has done nothing to make me want him in my life, but yet I miss him. Most of the time, I dont really think about it, but then there are times like these where the ache is so horrible.
I cried.
I don't ever cry.
But WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Is Andrew wrong? Is David right? But that makes no sense. David has been nothing but bad for me. I have had nothing but pain to associate with him, but yet there is something that always draws me to him and makes me forget all the horrible things that have happened between us and all the reasons that it will never work.
I am so confused and beside myself with the anxiety of trying to sort all these emotions out. They are so conflicting. David is my cocaine. A drug and addiction that I don't know how to break.
I have been with Andrew. I love Andrew. He treats me better than I deserve, and loves me in return. He is mature, responsible, sensitive, sweet, and so many great things. I love being with him.
After my experience with David a few weeks ago, I will never forgive him. What he did is unexcusable. Besides the fact that I got absolutely NO pleasure from any of it. I am not attracted to him in a boyfriend/girlfriend type of way AT ALL, but yet I can not shake him..it makes absolutely no sense. He has done nothing to make me want him in my life, but yet I miss him. Most of the time, I dont really think about it, but then there are times like these where the ache is so horrible.
I cried.
I don't ever cry.
But WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Is Andrew wrong? Is David right? But that makes no sense. David has been nothing but bad for me. I have had nothing but pain to associate with him, but yet there is something that always draws me to him and makes me forget all the horrible things that have happened between us and all the reasons that it will never work.
I am so confused and beside myself with the anxiety of trying to sort all these emotions out. They are so conflicting. David is my cocaine. A drug and addiction that I don't know how to break.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
I am midway through my first week back at school. The roomies are great. I can finally see the light at the end of the nursing school tunnel. I have a boyfriend that loves me ( he said it!!!). So things should be smooth?
please...this is ME we are talking about..of course it is not smooth.
So I came on a wednesday and from the get go, David was trying to contact me. Surprise, surprise. On thursday, I decided to be kind to him and allow him to sit down with me and ask whatever questions he had. The conversation ended up going really well. It was clear he still liked me, but he sounded like he was legitamitely trying to change his ways. For example, he said that with his next girlfriend he wants to have a very unphysical relationship with her: no kisses, few hugs or any physical contact at all. Seating and talking with the guy brought back alot of memories..for a second I thought I missed being with him. But then I realized that was wholely untrue...I missed being best friends, because we really were for so long. I have always enjoyed talking to him, and it was still true. After that conversation, I realized that I never ever want to be more than friends with him, only good friends. I knew that that would take time, but I wanted to get there, because the friendship is so good outside of a relationship.
I finished the conversation with a test. He had been preaching that he had changed and no longer was a sexually out of control guy, even saying he would not react if I came onto him. So naturally, I did just that. I sat in his lap and got my face right next to his. He sat there with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, but then said " I respect you and your relationship. I will not do this". He had passed with flying colors, and he had won an ounce of trust from me. He resisted when he could have not. For the first time in a long time, I had a glimmer of hope for him, and I walked away satisfied with the conversation.
Unforunately, he COMPLETELY undid himself friday night..possibly the worst night of my life. It was the first weekend back, so my roommates and I started drinking. After it was said and done, I was completely wasted and puking my guts out. Note: whiskey is a horrible drink. My roommates cleaned up after me (bless their hearts!) and helped me into bed, at which point the room was still spinning like a top. I passed out and woke up a few hours later and checked my phone for the first time all night. David had texted me saying he was leaving and that if I wanted to see him one last time, I should come see him now. That had been hours before so I texted him back asking what's up? He told me to come to his room to talk about it, so in my drunken-ness, I stupidly went to him. I dont remember the entire experience, but i will try to rehash it.
I came into the room , and he invited me to sit on the couch with him. The room and my mind was still fuzzy from the alcohol, so I sat there with my head in my hands. he sat down next to me, but way too close..he scootered himself as close as possible without hurting me and put his arm around me. I remember telling him that it was inappropiate because I had a boyfriend ,but he didn't stop. We talked randomly on topics that I don't remember. All the while, making himself closer and closer to me. Eventually, his face was right up against mine, and then he reached out and kissed me..before I knew it, one thing lead to another and we were messing around.
WTF. Why did I do it? I have NO idea. I dont remember everything that happened, but I do remember NOT enjoying it at all. His kiss, touch, everything felt wrong to me. It made me miss Andrew more than anything. So why did I continue doing it? I remember feeling scared that I would offend him if I told him that I didn't want to or wasn't enjoying it. Being drunk makes me very sensitive to my perception of how feel about me; it always have. I am always more prone to think people are angry or annoyed with me when I am drunk. So I let him finish, and then I got very angry and left.
I feel absolutely horrible. I cheated..again. I know it was the alcohol, but all the same, it happened. I told Andrew, and he basically doesnt trust me anymore. Awesome. So I have completely jeopardized my relationship. damn it.
please...this is ME we are talking about..of course it is not smooth.
So I came on a wednesday and from the get go, David was trying to contact me. Surprise, surprise. On thursday, I decided to be kind to him and allow him to sit down with me and ask whatever questions he had. The conversation ended up going really well. It was clear he still liked me, but he sounded like he was legitamitely trying to change his ways. For example, he said that with his next girlfriend he wants to have a very unphysical relationship with her: no kisses, few hugs or any physical contact at all. Seating and talking with the guy brought back alot of memories..for a second I thought I missed being with him. But then I realized that was wholely untrue...I missed being best friends, because we really were for so long. I have always enjoyed talking to him, and it was still true. After that conversation, I realized that I never ever want to be more than friends with him, only good friends. I knew that that would take time, but I wanted to get there, because the friendship is so good outside of a relationship.
I finished the conversation with a test. He had been preaching that he had changed and no longer was a sexually out of control guy, even saying he would not react if I came onto him. So naturally, I did just that. I sat in his lap and got my face right next to his. He sat there with his eyes closed, breathing heavily, but then said " I respect you and your relationship. I will not do this". He had passed with flying colors, and he had won an ounce of trust from me. He resisted when he could have not. For the first time in a long time, I had a glimmer of hope for him, and I walked away satisfied with the conversation.
Unforunately, he COMPLETELY undid himself friday night..possibly the worst night of my life. It was the first weekend back, so my roommates and I started drinking. After it was said and done, I was completely wasted and puking my guts out. Note: whiskey is a horrible drink. My roommates cleaned up after me (bless their hearts!) and helped me into bed, at which point the room was still spinning like a top. I passed out and woke up a few hours later and checked my phone for the first time all night. David had texted me saying he was leaving and that if I wanted to see him one last time, I should come see him now. That had been hours before so I texted him back asking what's up? He told me to come to his room to talk about it, so in my drunken-ness, I stupidly went to him. I dont remember the entire experience, but i will try to rehash it.
I came into the room , and he invited me to sit on the couch with him. The room and my mind was still fuzzy from the alcohol, so I sat there with my head in my hands. he sat down next to me, but way too close..he scootered himself as close as possible without hurting me and put his arm around me. I remember telling him that it was inappropiate because I had a boyfriend ,but he didn't stop. We talked randomly on topics that I don't remember. All the while, making himself closer and closer to me. Eventually, his face was right up against mine, and then he reached out and kissed me..before I knew it, one thing lead to another and we were messing around.
WTF. Why did I do it? I have NO idea. I dont remember everything that happened, but I do remember NOT enjoying it at all. His kiss, touch, everything felt wrong to me. It made me miss Andrew more than anything. So why did I continue doing it? I remember feeling scared that I would offend him if I told him that I didn't want to or wasn't enjoying it. Being drunk makes me very sensitive to my perception of how feel about me; it always have. I am always more prone to think people are angry or annoyed with me when I am drunk. So I let him finish, and then I got very angry and left.
I feel absolutely horrible. I cheated..again. I know it was the alcohol, but all the same, it happened. I told Andrew, and he basically doesnt trust me anymore. Awesome. So I have completely jeopardized my relationship. damn it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Let's reminisce for a while..
Tuesday will mark the two month anniversary of my relationship with Andrew. We have weathered a few disagreements, but overall, it has, by far, been the happiest first two months I have experienced of any relationship I have had. And perhaps my most favorite part is not a single "I love you" has been uttered. Not. One. In my dating history that is a record.
Austin: 4 days
David: 5 days
Kyle: 9 days
All of those relationships ended horribly...and all involved inmature guys. I believe I have noticed a trend... In the end, Andrew understanding and valuing the words " I love you" strengthens my sense of his maturity, which is premo primo important to me. It makes me believe that he may be my saving grace.. gah. I think it is about time. I've been with enough jerks to deserve one, right?
For the entire month of July I worked the overnight shift in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility in Waconia. I thank God for the job, because I made fantastic money doing it, but it was definitely an experience trying to adjust to the backwards schedule. I have learned to take the good with the bad, though. After a long night of work, most mornings I would go to visit Andrew. His roommate leaves for work at 6:30 am, therefore, when I arrived at 6:45 am, Andrew was all alone. Those moments cuddling up to my sleeping man, all warm and ready to hold me, are memories I will hold dear forever, even if we end up not working out....its like a scene of out a romance novel or chick flick. The kind of thing that all good summer romances should have. We would sleep until he had to go to work, and then He would walk around shirtless, with a cup of coffee and a sleepy grin before ushering me to my car and sending me home with puppy dog eyes and a sweet kiss...making me fall harder than I thought I could.
So as the relationship has progressed, little by little, we have been letting each other into our lives. This of course, refers to the introduction of families. eeekkkk. My BIGGEST fear... I don't know why families are so intimidating for me. I guess it just adds another dimension to the relationship. Meaning that if it doesn't work out, you have to not only break ties with the significant other but their family members as well.
Today was perhaps the ultimate family encounter: I was invited to a family picnic to meet his entire extended family. Granted, that only meant fifteen people..but still! I had already met his sisters and parents on numerous occasions, so, in the end, it was not that nerve-racking. The afternoon was a ton of fun and it just made me like Andrew all the more. Coming from a closekit family of seven, family is very dear to my heart. My siblings are my best friends, and we all love on each other constantly. Probably too affection for most people's liking, but i LOVE it. Coincidentally, Andrew also comes from a family of seven with kids all similar ages to my family. It was the coolest experience, because his family is EXACTLY like mine. He is incredibly close to all his siblings and parents. Its hard to explain, but the whole atmosphere is just soo saturated in love. It is what I believe families should be like, so when I am with his family I feel like I am at home. The inside jokes, freely given affection, and laughter is all the same. It is so comforting to know that my love of my family is mirrored in Andrew and that his sentiments are exactly the same. In a semi creepy way, considering we have only dated two months, I can see myself being part of a family like that...its so comfortable and homey to me.
We spend the majority of the evening looking at photo albums together. Everyone was huddled around one book or another, laughing and reminiscing about the early years. As I returned home later, I was still in intense family mode; therefore, I brought out my own family photos. For whatever reason, I reached for the albums documenting my ackward years, and an epiphany ensued.
As a looked through those years, it took me back to the way I remember feeling when the pictures were taking...the insecurity, the heartbreak, and the painful self criticizism. Its hard to imagine now how unattractive and fat I thought I was then, when looking back, I was healthy, natural, and perfectly made. For the first time ever, I looked at those pictures of myself, and saw a beautiful person..horribly naive but beautiful. If only I could talk to the self in those pictures, I would have so much to say. Now, having been through and over my first heartbreak, eating disorders, obsessive working out, and hating myself for being me, I believe I have finally seen the light. For the first time that I can remember, I genuine love who I am and love my life. It has taken far too long to see it, but I have always been beautiful in my own way..the Mary Beth-ness that NO ONE can ever have. It gives me hope and confidence that my life will be wonderful and better than I can imagine, because I will be me and love it. I wish I would have realize it then how feeling worth something is not from outward appearance or attraction but within in a person's heart. Our bodies are merely a vessel for our souls. Granted, we must take care of our bodies to live to our greatest potential, but in the end, that is all they are good for..just a vessel.
If I ever have a daughter, it will be my life long goal to instill this in her mind. If nothing else, I want her to KNOW that she is beautifully and perfectly made and will always be in my eyes. This may not seem like an earth shattering thing to the average person, but for me it means the world, for these struggles have been the ultimate stumbling block in my life..holding me back from living to the fullest. I am hoping this sense of self is here to stay, because it truly makes life worth all its trouble.
Austin: 4 days
David: 5 days
Kyle: 9 days
All of those relationships ended horribly...and all involved inmature guys. I believe I have noticed a trend... In the end, Andrew understanding and valuing the words " I love you" strengthens my sense of his maturity, which is premo primo important to me. It makes me believe that he may be my saving grace.. gah. I think it is about time. I've been with enough jerks to deserve one, right?
For the entire month of July I worked the overnight shift in the memory care unit of an assisted living facility in Waconia. I thank God for the job, because I made fantastic money doing it, but it was definitely an experience trying to adjust to the backwards schedule. I have learned to take the good with the bad, though. After a long night of work, most mornings I would go to visit Andrew. His roommate leaves for work at 6:30 am, therefore, when I arrived at 6:45 am, Andrew was all alone. Those moments cuddling up to my sleeping man, all warm and ready to hold me, are memories I will hold dear forever, even if we end up not working out....its like a scene of out a romance novel or chick flick. The kind of thing that all good summer romances should have. We would sleep until he had to go to work, and then He would walk around shirtless, with a cup of coffee and a sleepy grin before ushering me to my car and sending me home with puppy dog eyes and a sweet kiss...making me fall harder than I thought I could.
So as the relationship has progressed, little by little, we have been letting each other into our lives. This of course, refers to the introduction of families. eeekkkk. My BIGGEST fear... I don't know why families are so intimidating for me. I guess it just adds another dimension to the relationship. Meaning that if it doesn't work out, you have to not only break ties with the significant other but their family members as well.
Today was perhaps the ultimate family encounter: I was invited to a family picnic to meet his entire extended family. Granted, that only meant fifteen people..but still! I had already met his sisters and parents on numerous occasions, so, in the end, it was not that nerve-racking. The afternoon was a ton of fun and it just made me like Andrew all the more. Coming from a closekit family of seven, family is very dear to my heart. My siblings are my best friends, and we all love on each other constantly. Probably too affection for most people's liking, but i LOVE it. Coincidentally, Andrew also comes from a family of seven with kids all similar ages to my family. It was the coolest experience, because his family is EXACTLY like mine. He is incredibly close to all his siblings and parents. Its hard to explain, but the whole atmosphere is just soo saturated in love. It is what I believe families should be like, so when I am with his family I feel like I am at home. The inside jokes, freely given affection, and laughter is all the same. It is so comforting to know that my love of my family is mirrored in Andrew and that his sentiments are exactly the same. In a semi creepy way, considering we have only dated two months, I can see myself being part of a family like that...its so comfortable and homey to me.
We spend the majority of the evening looking at photo albums together. Everyone was huddled around one book or another, laughing and reminiscing about the early years. As I returned home later, I was still in intense family mode; therefore, I brought out my own family photos. For whatever reason, I reached for the albums documenting my ackward years, and an epiphany ensued.
As a looked through those years, it took me back to the way I remember feeling when the pictures were taking...the insecurity, the heartbreak, and the painful self criticizism. Its hard to imagine now how unattractive and fat I thought I was then, when looking back, I was healthy, natural, and perfectly made. For the first time ever, I looked at those pictures of myself, and saw a beautiful person..horribly naive but beautiful. If only I could talk to the self in those pictures, I would have so much to say. Now, having been through and over my first heartbreak, eating disorders, obsessive working out, and hating myself for being me, I believe I have finally seen the light. For the first time that I can remember, I genuine love who I am and love my life. It has taken far too long to see it, but I have always been beautiful in my own way..the Mary Beth-ness that NO ONE can ever have. It gives me hope and confidence that my life will be wonderful and better than I can imagine, because I will be me and love it. I wish I would have realize it then how feeling worth something is not from outward appearance or attraction but within in a person's heart. Our bodies are merely a vessel for our souls. Granted, we must take care of our bodies to live to our greatest potential, but in the end, that is all they are good for..just a vessel.
If I ever have a daughter, it will be my life long goal to instill this in her mind. If nothing else, I want her to KNOW that she is beautifully and perfectly made and will always be in my eyes. This may not seem like an earth shattering thing to the average person, but for me it means the world, for these struggles have been the ultimate stumbling block in my life..holding me back from living to the fullest. I am hoping this sense of self is here to stay, because it truly makes life worth all its trouble.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Andrew and Alcohol
I shall open with the incredibly clique statement of:
Wow, summer has been going by soo fast!
I hate to be cookie-cutter, but the statement is very true. In a mere week, it will be HALF over....oh goodness.
So what is new?
I will start with the most recent event, which will lead into the other two. A few days ago, my mother and father had a meeting at a local park. When my mother told me she was going to meet dad there, I thought it was particular. My mother is quite the overanalitical head case; therefore, they have had many long discussions in the past, but all of them took place in our house. Upon returning home, I tried to read their expressions for any sign of distress, but I didn't see much. That was until my mother lowered the boom: She announced that they were getting separated, per my father's request.
I was blown away. I have known that my parent's relationship was rocky for a longtime. Four years ago, my mother began going to these "abuse" support classes and since then she has been truly messed up and it has caused havoc in our family. Therefore, I was not horribly surprised when she made the announcement....it was rather HOW she said it that surprises and upsets me. She did not come to me, as her child who would be profoundly affected by this, as a united front with my father. In stead, she blurted it out out of anger, after my father specifically told her that we kids were not to know. She was so insensitive, immature, and selfish in my opinion. I am still not talking to her because of it.
The next day, my dad called me from work ,and we discussed it rationally, as I knew we would. He recanted the statements made the day before: they are not getting separated. However, he outright said that they would not be married if it werent for us children, and therefore he is going to try to make the marriage work for at last two or three more years until Ryan has graduated from high school.
In a nutshell: They will get divorced..just not yet.
I do not blame my dad at all for wanting a divorce, he is completely right and I feel very bad for him that he has to stay in this marriage at all. I love him for staying because he is doing it 100% for us, the kids. He is the best dad alive. But this whole situation leaves our house a very tense and uncomfortable place. My parents openly saying they dont want to be married has completely changed the dynamics of the house. It is the feeling of impending doom that a divorce shall come in the future, sooner or later.
So where is my haven?
1. Andrew
2. Alcohol
Andrew and I started hanging out as soon as I got home from school. First just as friends, but then it turned into something more. He had liked me for a long time and he has turned out to be a very mature and interesting young man. We officially started dating June 3 and it has been bliss. He lives in a townhouse with a roommate , who goes to bed early. Almost every night, I go over to his place and we cuddle and talk until dawn...sleeping from time to time. We are keeping our relationship a secret at work, so that adds to the enjoyment and mystery. He is amazing to me and not in the obsessive, over the top way. He is wonderful in the maturity brings: the conversations have depth, the chemistry is real, the kisses have meaning, and the drama is kept to a minimum. He is my saving grace, especially when my home is a battlefield nowadays. He is the perfect summer romance: carefree, secretive, passionate.
Alcohol has also been my fall back throughout the storms of my family. The weekends I drink are the ones i look forward to the most. The drunken feeling of happiness and no cares addicts me. I am no alcoholic, but I may be using it to nurse some of my wounds. It is one of my few acts of rebellion and I plan to enjoy the escape. I need it.
So I have one healthy crutch: Andrew
and one not so healthy crutch: Alcohol
That evens out, right?
Wow, summer has been going by soo fast!
I hate to be cookie-cutter, but the statement is very true. In a mere week, it will be HALF over....oh goodness.
So what is new?
I will start with the most recent event, which will lead into the other two. A few days ago, my mother and father had a meeting at a local park. When my mother told me she was going to meet dad there, I thought it was particular. My mother is quite the overanalitical head case; therefore, they have had many long discussions in the past, but all of them took place in our house. Upon returning home, I tried to read their expressions for any sign of distress, but I didn't see much. That was until my mother lowered the boom: She announced that they were getting separated, per my father's request.
I was blown away. I have known that my parent's relationship was rocky for a longtime. Four years ago, my mother began going to these "abuse" support classes and since then she has been truly messed up and it has caused havoc in our family. Therefore, I was not horribly surprised when she made the announcement....it was rather HOW she said it that surprises and upsets me. She did not come to me, as her child who would be profoundly affected by this, as a united front with my father. In stead, she blurted it out out of anger, after my father specifically told her that we kids were not to know. She was so insensitive, immature, and selfish in my opinion. I am still not talking to her because of it.
The next day, my dad called me from work ,and we discussed it rationally, as I knew we would. He recanted the statements made the day before: they are not getting separated. However, he outright said that they would not be married if it werent for us children, and therefore he is going to try to make the marriage work for at last two or three more years until Ryan has graduated from high school.
In a nutshell: They will get divorced..just not yet.
I do not blame my dad at all for wanting a divorce, he is completely right and I feel very bad for him that he has to stay in this marriage at all. I love him for staying because he is doing it 100% for us, the kids. He is the best dad alive. But this whole situation leaves our house a very tense and uncomfortable place. My parents openly saying they dont want to be married has completely changed the dynamics of the house. It is the feeling of impending doom that a divorce shall come in the future, sooner or later.
So where is my haven?
1. Andrew
2. Alcohol
Andrew and I started hanging out as soon as I got home from school. First just as friends, but then it turned into something more. He had liked me for a long time and he has turned out to be a very mature and interesting young man. We officially started dating June 3 and it has been bliss. He lives in a townhouse with a roommate , who goes to bed early. Almost every night, I go over to his place and we cuddle and talk until dawn...sleeping from time to time. We are keeping our relationship a secret at work, so that adds to the enjoyment and mystery. He is amazing to me and not in the obsessive, over the top way. He is wonderful in the maturity brings: the conversations have depth, the chemistry is real, the kisses have meaning, and the drama is kept to a minimum. He is my saving grace, especially when my home is a battlefield nowadays. He is the perfect summer romance: carefree, secretive, passionate.
Alcohol has also been my fall back throughout the storms of my family. The weekends I drink are the ones i look forward to the most. The drunken feeling of happiness and no cares addicts me. I am no alcoholic, but I may be using it to nurse some of my wounds. It is one of my few acts of rebellion and I plan to enjoy the escape. I need it.
So I have one healthy crutch: Andrew
and one not so healthy crutch: Alcohol
That evens out, right?
Friday, May 7, 2010
fml type of day
So, I totally fell off the train last night. I had been doing really well with the whole new-diet thing all week, but I finally just got sick of it. The only thing that does not make me sick is bread, lunchmeat, and fruit. EVERYTHING else has an effect on me: carbonated drinks, artifical sweeteners, meat, dairy, fat, etc. I am sick of it. Why me? Everyone else can just eat whatever and their body deals. My body does not, and it drives me crazy. I am trying to get back on track today, but we'll see...I am miserable but I hating having to restict so much.
Besides my body's gay issues, I am frustrated to still be at school. All the other kids at Dordt are gone...I started school earlier than then, I have shorter breaks then them, and now I have a shorter summer, too. I fucking hate that I have to work so much harder than them. And I just got my final grade for my nursing class: B. A "B" is okay..its passing, BUT I busted my ASS the whole time and thats all I got. So basically, all i have learned is to not put so much effort in, because I will get the same grade anyways. I still have two finals left, but I have absolutely no motivation to study. Why? Ill get the same grade anyways.
And I look Asian because of my stupid hair.
It is just fml type of day. Peace.
Besides my body's gay issues, I am frustrated to still be at school. All the other kids at Dordt are gone...I started school earlier than then, I have shorter breaks then them, and now I have a shorter summer, too. I fucking hate that I have to work so much harder than them. And I just got my final grade for my nursing class: B. A "B" is okay..its passing, BUT I busted my ASS the whole time and thats all I got. So basically, all i have learned is to not put so much effort in, because I will get the same grade anyways. I still have two finals left, but I have absolutely no motivation to study. Why? Ill get the same grade anyways.
And I look Asian because of my stupid hair.
It is just fml type of day. Peace.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I Got the Memo :)
Ahh.
Today is a good day. Finally, after a year and a half of chronic issues, I believe my digestive system and I will be able to make peace. This is more of a blessing than most people will understand, because, frankly, it was very embarassing.
My symptoms started two christmases ago. When I returned to school, i started to have these odd digestive issues. (prepare yourself for some SEVERE tmi): Things were just off: I was incredibly irregular but not in a normal way- in one day, i would go from constipated to diarrhea to constipated again. I was always gassy and bloated. And right after I ate, I had an urge to go to the bathroom, but I would not be able to. In fact, i always felt heavy and like I needed to go, but I just was too constpiated to. In addition,I definitely had foods that triggered these symptoms more than others: any red meat or fatty/deep fried food would do me in. I figured it was because I didn't eat those things very often; therefore, my body was just not used to it. These things were managable, but then I started to have VERY loud bowel sounds..I dont really know how to describe them. It just sounded like my intestines were always pissed off and full of gas.
That was the embarassing part of my symptoms. A queit room became the scariest thing ever, because inevidently, my stomach/intestines would start going crazy. It sounds almost like a fart, but it wasn't because it was all internal. I was soo embarassed when it happened. In fact, it even started to affect my ability to take tests. Sitting in the queit testing room was so stressful for me, because I was scared i would make a noise. This made me distracted from my tests and made me rush through them just so I could get out of the room.
I didnt' know what do it. I thought it might have been a side effect of abusing laxatives in high school, but I did that as a junior; therefore, why would it just start to affect me now? Then I thought, maybe it was my diet that was triggering these things. I tried increasing my fiber and drinking more water to make me less constipated, but it didnt work. I always avoided red meat and fatty foods, because they were know triggers, but even when I dodged those foods, the symptoms were there,only to a less degree.
Finally, this past january, I went to the doctor. I figured that if it had bugged me for a whole year, it was worth looking into. She took an x ray of my abdomen that showed that my bowels were not emptying completely...like things were sticking to the sides of the intestine and not passing through. She said I should do a colon cleanse to make the symptoms stop. So I did as she said: I drank 64 oz of gatorade with a WHOLE bottle of Miralax mixed in it. That is like 14 doses my friends. Needless to say, the Miralax made me shit for like three days straight. After that, I waited for my symptoms to go away, but they never did. I now, five months later, I am still having the same issues, so frustrating.
So, I resorted to an online search- there HAD to be others out there that had my symtpoms, and indeed there were :)
The answer: IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
All the symtpoms matched up perfectly! The constipation, going right after a meal, red meat and fat intolerance, the LOUD bowel sounds. Everything matched.
I am so so thankful!! BUT...what is the treatment for this condition? Complete diet modification, unforunately. I need to redo how I eat completely. When I researched it more, dairy products are a huge trigger for IBS. I had never tried avoiding these foods, so as of this week, I am out of dairy: milk, sour cream, salad dressing, mayo, etc. When the staple of your diet is cereal, that is a huge challenge. In addition, people with IBS need to avoid eating things high in insoluble fiber, gas producing foods and fat. This means: cereal, popcorn, anything wholewheat, broccoli, calaflower, onions, garlic. etc. Basically, it means I have to adhere to a VERY strict and healthy diet to stay symtpom free.
I believe this is a God thing. I have struggled for YEARS with eating and being healthy and loving my body like I should. As a person with bulmic tendencies, doing this has been the struggle of a life time. Recently, I have been really trying to focus not on dieting but on treating my body well as a whole, which will yeild the results of a healthy weight and a healthy body. It is what I want to do, but I have been really struggling on implimenting it in my life.
With finally knowing what is wrong with my body and knowing that treatment means treating my body very very well, I feel like God is saying:
"You cant do it by yourself, so I will help you. You HAVE to be healthy to get rid of these symptoms. No need to thank me, your welcome"
Its like a light is turned on. Being healthy is no longer an option. It is a must if I want to function normally in society. So, here I go:
1. No greasy/deep fried foods
2. No red meat
3. No dairy
4. No egg yolks
5. Nothing high in insoluble fiber
6. Nothing high in fat ie: candy, cake, doughnuts, anything cooked in oil, peanut butter, chocolate,butter etc.
This will be insane. What will I eat!?! Well, I can eat veggies, fruit, white meats, rice, potatoes, yams, oatmeal, flour tortillas :)
Healthy food.
Okay, God, I got the memo :) Thanks, Daddy.
Today is a good day. Finally, after a year and a half of chronic issues, I believe my digestive system and I will be able to make peace. This is more of a blessing than most people will understand, because, frankly, it was very embarassing.
My symptoms started two christmases ago. When I returned to school, i started to have these odd digestive issues. (prepare yourself for some SEVERE tmi): Things were just off: I was incredibly irregular but not in a normal way- in one day, i would go from constipated to diarrhea to constipated again. I was always gassy and bloated. And right after I ate, I had an urge to go to the bathroom, but I would not be able to. In fact, i always felt heavy and like I needed to go, but I just was too constpiated to. In addition,I definitely had foods that triggered these symptoms more than others: any red meat or fatty/deep fried food would do me in. I figured it was because I didn't eat those things very often; therefore, my body was just not used to it. These things were managable, but then I started to have VERY loud bowel sounds..I dont really know how to describe them. It just sounded like my intestines were always pissed off and full of gas.
That was the embarassing part of my symptoms. A queit room became the scariest thing ever, because inevidently, my stomach/intestines would start going crazy. It sounds almost like a fart, but it wasn't because it was all internal. I was soo embarassed when it happened. In fact, it even started to affect my ability to take tests. Sitting in the queit testing room was so stressful for me, because I was scared i would make a noise. This made me distracted from my tests and made me rush through them just so I could get out of the room.
I didnt' know what do it. I thought it might have been a side effect of abusing laxatives in high school, but I did that as a junior; therefore, why would it just start to affect me now? Then I thought, maybe it was my diet that was triggering these things. I tried increasing my fiber and drinking more water to make me less constipated, but it didnt work. I always avoided red meat and fatty foods, because they were know triggers, but even when I dodged those foods, the symptoms were there,only to a less degree.
Finally, this past january, I went to the doctor. I figured that if it had bugged me for a whole year, it was worth looking into. She took an x ray of my abdomen that showed that my bowels were not emptying completely...like things were sticking to the sides of the intestine and not passing through. She said I should do a colon cleanse to make the symptoms stop. So I did as she said: I drank 64 oz of gatorade with a WHOLE bottle of Miralax mixed in it. That is like 14 doses my friends. Needless to say, the Miralax made me shit for like three days straight. After that, I waited for my symptoms to go away, but they never did. I now, five months later, I am still having the same issues, so frustrating.
So, I resorted to an online search- there HAD to be others out there that had my symtpoms, and indeed there were :)
The answer: IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)
All the symtpoms matched up perfectly! The constipation, going right after a meal, red meat and fat intolerance, the LOUD bowel sounds. Everything matched.
I am so so thankful!! BUT...what is the treatment for this condition? Complete diet modification, unforunately. I need to redo how I eat completely. When I researched it more, dairy products are a huge trigger for IBS. I had never tried avoiding these foods, so as of this week, I am out of dairy: milk, sour cream, salad dressing, mayo, etc. When the staple of your diet is cereal, that is a huge challenge. In addition, people with IBS need to avoid eating things high in insoluble fiber, gas producing foods and fat. This means: cereal, popcorn, anything wholewheat, broccoli, calaflower, onions, garlic. etc. Basically, it means I have to adhere to a VERY strict and healthy diet to stay symtpom free.
I believe this is a God thing. I have struggled for YEARS with eating and being healthy and loving my body like I should. As a person with bulmic tendencies, doing this has been the struggle of a life time. Recently, I have been really trying to focus not on dieting but on treating my body well as a whole, which will yeild the results of a healthy weight and a healthy body. It is what I want to do, but I have been really struggling on implimenting it in my life.
With finally knowing what is wrong with my body and knowing that treatment means treating my body very very well, I feel like God is saying:
"You cant do it by yourself, so I will help you. You HAVE to be healthy to get rid of these symptoms. No need to thank me, your welcome"
Its like a light is turned on. Being healthy is no longer an option. It is a must if I want to function normally in society. So, here I go:
1. No greasy/deep fried foods
2. No red meat
3. No dairy
4. No egg yolks
5. Nothing high in insoluble fiber
6. Nothing high in fat ie: candy, cake, doughnuts, anything cooked in oil, peanut butter, chocolate,butter etc.
This will be insane. What will I eat!?! Well, I can eat veggies, fruit, white meats, rice, potatoes, yams, oatmeal, flour tortillas :)
Healthy food.
Okay, God, I got the memo :) Thanks, Daddy.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Misplaced Trust
David has hurt me...many times over. Out of weakness or out of grace, I have always overlooked these shortcomings. But this is the final straw.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....
I will not be fooled again.
At least not by David. I have always been a private person. Call it pride if you will, but being humble enough to display my shortcomings and struggles to a mutlitude of people is not my thing. In fact, I believe very few people enjoy this act. I suppose it is out of self perservation, because in the end, my shortcomings and mistakes, will affect the way people think of me...essentially my reputation is at stake in these situations.
As I mentioned in the post before this, I have carried a huge burden with me for most of high school and it has continued to harm me as a college student. In high school, I NEVER talked about it to anyone. Out of shame, pride, and embarassment. When I started dating David, he begged me from the very beginning to talk to him about it, because he was open with me with his personal struggles. I resisted. I was so tightly coiled to protect myself that I did not want to say it. In addition, I did not think he would understand (which, he didnt at all by the way). Finally, after six months of dating, I opened up to him and told him about it.
Biggest mistake ever.
Only now am I realizing it. A few days ago, I was confronted by a good friend about purging. I admitted, only because she already knew it was truth. DAVID TOLD HER. I confronted him about it, because I did not want to assume the worse. but it was true. He had told. Not only her, but ALSO a counceling staff at Dordt. A. Fucking. Councelor. And what was his reasoning? "I only did it to protect you. You are hurting yourself".
What part of it-took-six-months-to-tell-you does he not get? I told him in the strictest of confidence. But no, he decided to take it into his own hands and decide for himself whether or not my secrets were worth keeping. I believe in nursing, they call that autonomy. Autonomy is a person's right to self determination. Their right to make their own decisions about their life. He completely violated that right. I am crushed. And now my relationship with that friend is weird. I cant act the same around her, because she nows and I know that she will always be thinking about it when she is around me, because it is such a vodooed topic in society. Eating disorders are not pretty, but at the same time, I am not at my worst. I am always getting better so them intervening now has absolutely NO role. They do not understand the nature of this struggle and i KNOW they are just assuming the worse. It is not like that at all.
So this is strike two for him:
1. He told my friends that I drink, "to protect me". I told him that it strict confidence.
2. He told the biggest secret I possess. The secret I have told one other person in the WHOLE world. Not even my best friend knows.
Surprisingly, this hurts worst of all. His violence was not even as bad as this. Trust is the basis of every relationship and he has broken that. He told the details of my life that I hold CLOSEST to my chest. Not trival things..the important things.
I dont know, if I can salvage the relationship after that. I might have to be done. We have not spoken since sunday...and I dont have an urge to talk to him..or forgive him.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me....
I will not be fooled again.
At least not by David. I have always been a private person. Call it pride if you will, but being humble enough to display my shortcomings and struggles to a mutlitude of people is not my thing. In fact, I believe very few people enjoy this act. I suppose it is out of self perservation, because in the end, my shortcomings and mistakes, will affect the way people think of me...essentially my reputation is at stake in these situations.
As I mentioned in the post before this, I have carried a huge burden with me for most of high school and it has continued to harm me as a college student. In high school, I NEVER talked about it to anyone. Out of shame, pride, and embarassment. When I started dating David, he begged me from the very beginning to talk to him about it, because he was open with me with his personal struggles. I resisted. I was so tightly coiled to protect myself that I did not want to say it. In addition, I did not think he would understand (which, he didnt at all by the way). Finally, after six months of dating, I opened up to him and told him about it.
Biggest mistake ever.
Only now am I realizing it. A few days ago, I was confronted by a good friend about purging. I admitted, only because she already knew it was truth. DAVID TOLD HER. I confronted him about it, because I did not want to assume the worse. but it was true. He had told. Not only her, but ALSO a counceling staff at Dordt. A. Fucking. Councelor. And what was his reasoning? "I only did it to protect you. You are hurting yourself".
What part of it-took-six-months-to-tell-you does he not get? I told him in the strictest of confidence. But no, he decided to take it into his own hands and decide for himself whether or not my secrets were worth keeping. I believe in nursing, they call that autonomy. Autonomy is a person's right to self determination. Their right to make their own decisions about their life. He completely violated that right. I am crushed. And now my relationship with that friend is weird. I cant act the same around her, because she nows and I know that she will always be thinking about it when she is around me, because it is such a vodooed topic in society. Eating disorders are not pretty, but at the same time, I am not at my worst. I am always getting better so them intervening now has absolutely NO role. They do not understand the nature of this struggle and i KNOW they are just assuming the worse. It is not like that at all.
So this is strike two for him:
1. He told my friends that I drink, "to protect me". I told him that it strict confidence.
2. He told the biggest secret I possess. The secret I have told one other person in the WHOLE world. Not even my best friend knows.
Surprisingly, this hurts worst of all. His violence was not even as bad as this. Trust is the basis of every relationship and he has broken that. He told the details of my life that I hold CLOSEST to my chest. Not trival things..the important things.
I dont know, if I can salvage the relationship after that. I might have to be done. We have not spoken since sunday...and I dont have an urge to talk to him..or forgive him.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I wonder how it is determined what a person's struggles will be..
some do drugs, some watch porn, some sleep around, some drink too much. some are not confident. some lie. some steal.
I guess some of it is personal choice but at the same time, I believe that some of it is just part of our souls, as if we are predisposed to be weak in the area we are assigned and no matter how fervently we try, this demon will haunt our lives to the day we die.
I discovered mine when I was 16 and now, four years later, I can not kick it. I hate waking up and facing it everyday. But I hate even more that more days than not, it wins. Sometimes, I feel like i am making progress..but then I regress. Continous hills and valleys.
It is part of the reason I want to go home so badly. When I am home, I feel like I am in my element...where i function best, which makes my demon retreat and gives me the strength to fight it.
But what do I do for the next thirty days? I am sick of wallowing here broken-hearted and exhausted by my struggle. The picture is of me at much happier times...I will be there again someday.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Weekly Drama Update
Where do I start after a week like this...
Perhaps with a little advice?
ADVICE: Dont be involved with more than one guy at a time..even it your not dating either of them. If there are strong emotions involved, stick to one.
I started off the week with a not so warm and fuzzy conversation with Kyle. After seeing for a while that things would not be working out, I had to finally tell him that there is no chance between us. In true Kyle fashion, he did his normal rejection rant:
" Thats it, why do I even try. There is something wrong with me"
"EVERYONE else has a girlfiend, I am so alone"
" I thought you were it. We had such GREAT moments with each other" ( "great times"?? We hung out like twice...and kissed like three times. There was no connect or chemistry AT ALL..so idk what he is talking about)
"I have NO ONE to talk to.."
In a nutshell, he acted like a heartbroken twelve year old..super impressive. In fact, hearing all that make me wanna run back to him (That statement drips with sarcasm fyi). His response was soo immature. Essentially, he bases the value of his existance on whether he is in a relationhip or not. He has no confidence in himself. No self worth that says to himself, " I am a good guy and I deserve the best girl. Just because I have not found her doesnt mean I am dysfunctional. It just means, I havent met her yet". He is a perfect example of the dependent guy. The type of guy who will take ANY girl, because he thinks he will never do better. What would motivate any girl to accept his advances? Any self-respecting girl wouldn't. What honor would that be?
I value myself. I believe I have great things to offer, and I want to be with someone who has weeding through the masses and picked me SPECIFICALLY because they appreciate what I bring to the table, for who I am. This attitude that Kyle has irks me. He has no direction, no ambition or goals. He choses to live a life of so limited dimensions: He works. He hangs out with friends. That is it. He has no hobbies. No passions. Nothing to occupy his time, not because he has to, but because he choses not to do anything with his life. I could never be with someone like that. I am such a strong-minded and passionate person that i simply cannot understand someone not wanting to chasing things they desire and live big. And to top it all off, he is not a deep thinker...much too simple for me. I greatly enjoy a good discussion, but if only one person is having deep thoughts, it wont go very far.
For all these reasons, I knew things would never work between us. He is too clingy, too dependent, and too weak minded for me. Of course, I would not say all these things to him. I merely said that school was too busy and I didnt want to be tied down when I graduate because I want to go places..not stay in Waconia. I still valued him as a friend because he is a perfectly nice guy, but I was not going to force that relationship on him. I let him decide if he stil wanted to be friends, and he did.
Case closed, right? Wrong. Through a tangle of conversations and what not through the rest of the week, I have discovered how truly immature he is. He has no ability to cope with adversity, and simply can not handle letting go of a relationship with me. He is emotional and rash. He wants to be friends, but cant handle it. And when I say we should stop talking until summer, it is the end of the world to him. He is dramatic. So, NOW the case is closed. WE WILL NEVER DATE.
Immaturity = biggest turn off EVER
Well, I got that decided BUT now...Kyle hates me...my summer might be ruined because he will be a drama queen and fight with me the whole time...So i am feeling great right now.
AND he is begging to know what he did wrong that makes us never work. How do i explain that to him? He wont understand. It will be like talking to a brink wall.
So thats boy #1.
Now boy #2: David. It was our would-have-been one year, last friday...we couldnt stay away. I was so depressed and I missed him so horribly. So we hungout..and cuddled..basically acted like a couple. So for the rest of the week, we have been trying to stop seeing each other, but just CANT do it. It is so hard not to talk to him when i want to and could easily. But something has been really irking me about him too:
So all the times we have been hanging out this week, we cuddle and talk. Just like old times...and also, just like old times, things start going places...
I always resist, because I do not want to have that kind of relationship especially since we are not dating. But in the end, he seduces me and we mess around. I told him over and over that I dont want to be like that. He says he agrees but then it ALWAYS happens and always because he is pushing it.
Yesterday was his birthday, we werent supposed to see each other, because we had decided to work on ourselves and not see each other for a long time. But, naturally, we couldnt stick to it, so late last night, he came over to talk, because he was upset. We talked, and then he begged me to cuddle. So I did. Then he begged me to mess around..I gave in. Not because i truly wanted to, but because he did. When it was over, I felt horrible. I always do. You know the saying " the girl walks away feeling like a slut and the guy walks away feeling like a champ" SO TRUE. I felt like the biggest skank ever..but he had absolutely no remorse about it. He thinks it is all cool.
So what does this say to me? I am a booty call. I am a worthless piece of ass, because no matter what the situation is, he turns it into messing around. I got super mad...I was sick to my stomach. I felt so used. I never want to be used like that again.
But maybe it is a good thing. Now, whenever i flirt with talking to him, i will just think: "your only a piece of meat to him, nothing more." It hurts, but I guess it is for the best. Maybe he will grow up someday and get some fucking control of his...idk what you call it..sex drive?
SO:
1. Kyle is ridiculously immature..yet another one lost to that plague
2. Kyle immaturely hates me for trying to be real with him.
3. I feel used by David.
4. I love David...but I need better than that.
Boys Suck.
Peace.
Perhaps with a little advice?
ADVICE: Dont be involved with more than one guy at a time..even it your not dating either of them. If there are strong emotions involved, stick to one.
I started off the week with a not so warm and fuzzy conversation with Kyle. After seeing for a while that things would not be working out, I had to finally tell him that there is no chance between us. In true Kyle fashion, he did his normal rejection rant:
" Thats it, why do I even try. There is something wrong with me"
"EVERYONE else has a girlfiend, I am so alone"
" I thought you were it. We had such GREAT moments with each other" ( "great times"?? We hung out like twice...and kissed like three times. There was no connect or chemistry AT ALL..so idk what he is talking about)
"I have NO ONE to talk to.."
In a nutshell, he acted like a heartbroken twelve year old..super impressive. In fact, hearing all that make me wanna run back to him (That statement drips with sarcasm fyi). His response was soo immature. Essentially, he bases the value of his existance on whether he is in a relationhip or not. He has no confidence in himself. No self worth that says to himself, " I am a good guy and I deserve the best girl. Just because I have not found her doesnt mean I am dysfunctional. It just means, I havent met her yet". He is a perfect example of the dependent guy. The type of guy who will take ANY girl, because he thinks he will never do better. What would motivate any girl to accept his advances? Any self-respecting girl wouldn't. What honor would that be?
I value myself. I believe I have great things to offer, and I want to be with someone who has weeding through the masses and picked me SPECIFICALLY because they appreciate what I bring to the table, for who I am. This attitude that Kyle has irks me. He has no direction, no ambition or goals. He choses to live a life of so limited dimensions: He works. He hangs out with friends. That is it. He has no hobbies. No passions. Nothing to occupy his time, not because he has to, but because he choses not to do anything with his life. I could never be with someone like that. I am such a strong-minded and passionate person that i simply cannot understand someone not wanting to chasing things they desire and live big. And to top it all off, he is not a deep thinker...much too simple for me. I greatly enjoy a good discussion, but if only one person is having deep thoughts, it wont go very far.
For all these reasons, I knew things would never work between us. He is too clingy, too dependent, and too weak minded for me. Of course, I would not say all these things to him. I merely said that school was too busy and I didnt want to be tied down when I graduate because I want to go places..not stay in Waconia. I still valued him as a friend because he is a perfectly nice guy, but I was not going to force that relationship on him. I let him decide if he stil wanted to be friends, and he did.
Case closed, right? Wrong. Through a tangle of conversations and what not through the rest of the week, I have discovered how truly immature he is. He has no ability to cope with adversity, and simply can not handle letting go of a relationship with me. He is emotional and rash. He wants to be friends, but cant handle it. And when I say we should stop talking until summer, it is the end of the world to him. He is dramatic. So, NOW the case is closed. WE WILL NEVER DATE.
Immaturity = biggest turn off EVER
Well, I got that decided BUT now...Kyle hates me...my summer might be ruined because he will be a drama queen and fight with me the whole time...So i am feeling great right now.
AND he is begging to know what he did wrong that makes us never work. How do i explain that to him? He wont understand. It will be like talking to a brink wall.
So thats boy #1.
Now boy #2: David. It was our would-have-been one year, last friday...we couldnt stay away. I was so depressed and I missed him so horribly. So we hungout..and cuddled..basically acted like a couple. So for the rest of the week, we have been trying to stop seeing each other, but just CANT do it. It is so hard not to talk to him when i want to and could easily. But something has been really irking me about him too:
So all the times we have been hanging out this week, we cuddle and talk. Just like old times...and also, just like old times, things start going places...
I always resist, because I do not want to have that kind of relationship especially since we are not dating. But in the end, he seduces me and we mess around. I told him over and over that I dont want to be like that. He says he agrees but then it ALWAYS happens and always because he is pushing it.
Yesterday was his birthday, we werent supposed to see each other, because we had decided to work on ourselves and not see each other for a long time. But, naturally, we couldnt stick to it, so late last night, he came over to talk, because he was upset. We talked, and then he begged me to cuddle. So I did. Then he begged me to mess around..I gave in. Not because i truly wanted to, but because he did. When it was over, I felt horrible. I always do. You know the saying " the girl walks away feeling like a slut and the guy walks away feeling like a champ" SO TRUE. I felt like the biggest skank ever..but he had absolutely no remorse about it. He thinks it is all cool.
So what does this say to me? I am a booty call. I am a worthless piece of ass, because no matter what the situation is, he turns it into messing around. I got super mad...I was sick to my stomach. I felt so used. I never want to be used like that again.
But maybe it is a good thing. Now, whenever i flirt with talking to him, i will just think: "your only a piece of meat to him, nothing more." It hurts, but I guess it is for the best. Maybe he will grow up someday and get some fucking control of his...idk what you call it..sex drive?
SO:
1. Kyle is ridiculously immature..yet another one lost to that plague
2. Kyle immaturely hates me for trying to be real with him.
3. I feel used by David.
4. I love David...but I need better than that.
Boys Suck.
Peace.
Friday, April 2, 2010
I hate love
Of the 365 days of 2010, I would say today is easily in the top 10 crappiest day of the Year list. As heartache appears to be my specialty as of late, today gives me a bolus ( to throw in a little nursing knowledge there). Today would have been the one year anniversary of my relationship with David. I knew it. He knew it. So to make me hurt a little more, David brought me a dozen roses. Yay. Awesome. I love be reminded of exactly what I no longer have. Sweetness.
So in true female fashion, I ordered a pizza, ate incredibly too much of it, watched The Notebook, cried, thought "woe is me", and laid around depressed wondering if love will ever not hurt. As today is still today, I am still unconvinced that life will indeed go on, but I am hoping tomorrow will come, as it always does, I will be able to go on. But wait. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of our first kiss. And a week after that will be the anniversary of the first time David said " I love you". And a week after that will be the anniversary of him meeting my parents. And a month after that will be the anniversary of staying in Sioux City with him and experiencing the most romantic week of my life. Do you get the picture? EVERYTHING is a reminder of him. There is absolutely no way to avoid his presence; therefore, i will be continiously teased by the memories...the memories of such happier times.
So the question: Will I ever be happy again? yah. yah. I KNOW i am just being a dramatic, emotional girl...but I still wonder. It is not so much that i want to be in love. I just want to not hurt over love. No fresh wounds. No budding relationships that may or may not work out. I just want NOTHING with the opposite gender, because at this point, they serve no purpose other than giving me pain.
I have such big plans for my future that boys do not fit in the picture.
BUT...i like to flirt, i like to tease, i like the butterflies and the stupid smiles that a boy can give me. It is the ultimate love hate relationship.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Putting Thought into Action
The past few weeks in my nursing classes, we have been talking about kidneys and renal failure. This sparked an idea in my brain: BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR
Crazy? umm, yah. But it is something that I have always thought would be an amazing thing to do. As a high schooler, I was too young and still under my parent's roof so I knew it wouldnt be an option. But now, as a sophomore in college, I was serious about it. I felt like I was being called to take the risk and save someone's life.
I believe my passionate response to this subject is largely due to my clinical experiences. After being on the clinical floors for three semesters now, I have definitely seen my fair share of sad stories. Whether the patients' bodies were failing due to their lifestyle choices or because they were given an imperfect system, I have been told over and over "take care of yourself. Be thankful to be young". I have left so many clinicals with an overwhelming thankfulness to God for giving me a body that has never failed to do all i ask of it. I have been severely blessed in health, so to me, giving an organ would be an expression of my thankfulness. It would be the ultimate gift: the gift of life, and I am MORE than wiling to do that for a person. The look of their face would be all the pay nessisary to convince me that the whole thing was worth it.
I did my research, then presented the idea to my parents. My mom was supportive and commended me for my willingness to give. My dad also commended me, but then very harsely forbid me from doing it at my age. For whatever reason, this crushed me. I cried and cried and i couldn't really figure why. But then I did:
To me, giving an organ without any pay besides the satisfaction of helping your fellow man was a way to live the uncommon life. I look at so many people around me and wonder how they can be happy with the direction of their life. They get engaged in college, get married, hold a steady job in the town they were born in, have children, and thats it. THATS IT. Where is the living in that life? There is no adventure, no risk, and no unduplicatable life experiences. Is a mediocre life with prescribed, simple experiences that every single other person their age is experiencing. I want to go places, have life changing experiences, make a different, and above all just do great things. Being able to donor an organ meant so much for me because it would be me taking the road less taken. Living Big.
This dream has been put on hold for a later date ( but it WILL happen someday); however, I believe other doors might be opening. After my dad forbid me from going through with organ donor, I explained to him what I stated in the paragraph above. To my surprise...he understood. Alot. Apparently, he was exactly like me at my age: wanting to do great things and matter in the world. He didn't do any of them, because he was afraid, but has done his part to help others complete theirs by being a huge supporter of missions in the church. It was his way of living vicariously through the experiences of others.
He admired my ambition and as an expression of that, he said he would personally finically support me in any missions I wish to persue over the next few years my life. He wishes for me to go out there to get all the experiences I wish so dearly to have. And so the pursuit of these experiences begins!
We have a lot of connections through our church, the Missionary Alliance. I am hoping that through these future experiences, I will be able to fulfill my dreams of helping those who have less than myself. I am in nursing; therefore care, compassion, and love is what I am made to give. And I want to give it to as many people as possilbe. New beginnings are exciting, and the crazy part is that these ideas and dreams will no longer be in my head. They will be actually happening. I believe that life is FINALLY beginning to happen, my friends.
Crazy? umm, yah. But it is something that I have always thought would be an amazing thing to do. As a high schooler, I was too young and still under my parent's roof so I knew it wouldnt be an option. But now, as a sophomore in college, I was serious about it. I felt like I was being called to take the risk and save someone's life.
I believe my passionate response to this subject is largely due to my clinical experiences. After being on the clinical floors for three semesters now, I have definitely seen my fair share of sad stories. Whether the patients' bodies were failing due to their lifestyle choices or because they were given an imperfect system, I have been told over and over "take care of yourself. Be thankful to be young". I have left so many clinicals with an overwhelming thankfulness to God for giving me a body that has never failed to do all i ask of it. I have been severely blessed in health, so to me, giving an organ would be an expression of my thankfulness. It would be the ultimate gift: the gift of life, and I am MORE than wiling to do that for a person. The look of their face would be all the pay nessisary to convince me that the whole thing was worth it.
I did my research, then presented the idea to my parents. My mom was supportive and commended me for my willingness to give. My dad also commended me, but then very harsely forbid me from doing it at my age. For whatever reason, this crushed me. I cried and cried and i couldn't really figure why. But then I did:
To me, giving an organ without any pay besides the satisfaction of helping your fellow man was a way to live the uncommon life. I look at so many people around me and wonder how they can be happy with the direction of their life. They get engaged in college, get married, hold a steady job in the town they were born in, have children, and thats it. THATS IT. Where is the living in that life? There is no adventure, no risk, and no unduplicatable life experiences. Is a mediocre life with prescribed, simple experiences that every single other person their age is experiencing. I want to go places, have life changing experiences, make a different, and above all just do great things. Being able to donor an organ meant so much for me because it would be me taking the road less taken. Living Big.
This dream has been put on hold for a later date ( but it WILL happen someday); however, I believe other doors might be opening. After my dad forbid me from going through with organ donor, I explained to him what I stated in the paragraph above. To my surprise...he understood. Alot. Apparently, he was exactly like me at my age: wanting to do great things and matter in the world. He didn't do any of them, because he was afraid, but has done his part to help others complete theirs by being a huge supporter of missions in the church. It was his way of living vicariously through the experiences of others.
He admired my ambition and as an expression of that, he said he would personally finically support me in any missions I wish to persue over the next few years my life. He wishes for me to go out there to get all the experiences I wish so dearly to have. And so the pursuit of these experiences begins!
We have a lot of connections through our church, the Missionary Alliance. I am hoping that through these future experiences, I will be able to fulfill my dreams of helping those who have less than myself. I am in nursing; therefore care, compassion, and love is what I am made to give. And I want to give it to as many people as possilbe. New beginnings are exciting, and the crazy part is that these ideas and dreams will no longer be in my head. They will be actually happening. I believe that life is FINALLY beginning to happen, my friends.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Chemistry is Key
Having not blogged in a good four months I might have to do a quick recap to capture the events:
1. Broke up with Kyle- Told him it was because of the distance...but that is not really the case. It was more: A. He is SMALL B. I just was not that into him
2. Still talked to Kyle AND David because i kinda had feelings for both.
3. David tweaked because i was talking to Kyle, made me fear for my personal safety, and I swore I would NEVER date him again...no matter what
4. I miss David. I still talk to Kyle, but I want David and no one else, in spite of everything that has happened.
5. My best friends have FORBIDDEN me from dating him again. So if i chose him, I lose them.
Now the question is: WHY is it so hard to me to let go of David? The boy has demonstrated over and over how inept he is in relationships: he can not cope effective, he has an anger problem, he cant handle me talking to any other guys, and he is immature in general. Who would want to be with that?
I do.
Why? I have pondered this one for a quite a while and the best answer I can find: chemistry.
I believe the only way I could realize how right David was was to be with someone who felt incredibly wrong. I spent some weekends with Kyle both as a dating couple and then just as friends over spring break. I went into those situations with an open heart and mind, but it is simply didnt happen. The feeling didnt come. But what is that feeling? What is that "it" factor that makes a person feel right?
When I boil it down and analyze it, as i am prone to do, it is about comfort. The "it" factor is when another person's arms feel like home no matter where you are or what you are doing. It is the peace that that person gives you. Not just peace in your safety, but internal peace that they LOVE you for everything you truly are under the surface. The "it" factor is found in the moments that you never will forget. The ones where you look into their eyes and see everything you have ever wanted. The is-this-real moments. David LOVED me, and i loved him back. I have never felt more adored in my entire life. And to this day, he declares undying love for me in spite of all our ups and downs.
I know I cant be with him right now. I would lose my closest friends and he is not ready to date, but GAHHH. The chemistry was insane. That has got to mean that it is right, right? That although it is not right right now, it will be someday. That someday, we will be together and it will be true love. The love that I have always dreamed of.
Ultimately, I refuse to give up on us. Our relationship is not perfect, but no relationship will be. There is soo much raw material there that could be produced into the most glorious creation. I just dont know if there is enough.
So with all these emotions in mind, this is the break down:
1. I love David. But we will not be together.
2. I am going to go home for summer and i will date other people. The only way to see if that feeling is uniquely felt only with Daivd is to try it out with other people.
3. I will siesta boys until summer to clear my mind and clense my soul.
4. When summer comes, Kyle and Andrew will be the top prospects. Two guys at once? This should be interesting.
"Speeding Cars"
by Imogen Heap
Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..it was a long time ago
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..it was a long time ago
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
Peace.
1. Broke up with Kyle- Told him it was because of the distance...but that is not really the case. It was more: A. He is SMALL B. I just was not that into him
2. Still talked to Kyle AND David because i kinda had feelings for both.
3. David tweaked because i was talking to Kyle, made me fear for my personal safety, and I swore I would NEVER date him again...no matter what
4. I miss David. I still talk to Kyle, but I want David and no one else, in spite of everything that has happened.
5. My best friends have FORBIDDEN me from dating him again. So if i chose him, I lose them.
Now the question is: WHY is it so hard to me to let go of David? The boy has demonstrated over and over how inept he is in relationships: he can not cope effective, he has an anger problem, he cant handle me talking to any other guys, and he is immature in general. Who would want to be with that?
I do.
Why? I have pondered this one for a quite a while and the best answer I can find: chemistry.
I believe the only way I could realize how right David was was to be with someone who felt incredibly wrong. I spent some weekends with Kyle both as a dating couple and then just as friends over spring break. I went into those situations with an open heart and mind, but it is simply didnt happen. The feeling didnt come. But what is that feeling? What is that "it" factor that makes a person feel right?
When I boil it down and analyze it, as i am prone to do, it is about comfort. The "it" factor is when another person's arms feel like home no matter where you are or what you are doing. It is the peace that that person gives you. Not just peace in your safety, but internal peace that they LOVE you for everything you truly are under the surface. The "it" factor is found in the moments that you never will forget. The ones where you look into their eyes and see everything you have ever wanted. The is-this-real moments. David LOVED me, and i loved him back. I have never felt more adored in my entire life. And to this day, he declares undying love for me in spite of all our ups and downs.
I know I cant be with him right now. I would lose my closest friends and he is not ready to date, but GAHHH. The chemistry was insane. That has got to mean that it is right, right? That although it is not right right now, it will be someday. That someday, we will be together and it will be true love. The love that I have always dreamed of.
Ultimately, I refuse to give up on us. Our relationship is not perfect, but no relationship will be. There is soo much raw material there that could be produced into the most glorious creation. I just dont know if there is enough.
So with all these emotions in mind, this is the break down:
1. I love David. But we will not be together.
2. I am going to go home for summer and i will date other people. The only way to see if that feeling is uniquely felt only with Daivd is to try it out with other people.
3. I will siesta boys until summer to clear my mind and clense my soul.
4. When summer comes, Kyle and Andrew will be the top prospects. Two guys at once? This should be interesting.
"Speeding Cars"
by Imogen Heap
Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..it was a long time ago
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..
it's ok by me..it was a long time ago
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
Peace.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
So there's a twist..
So, I am dating Kyle, and today I went back to school in Iowa (three and a half hours away). The relationship is very new, like less than a week offically. When i got back on campus, I went to my ex boyfriend's room to give back a webcam. When I saw him, i fell in love all over again instantly. It was like my eyes had been opened, and it was clear that i was supposed to be with him. One thing led to another, and we kissed. It was magic, like the piece i had been missing had been placed correctly. Now this is all well and good, but: A. He still is very immature and undatable B. The break up was messing and alot of bridges had been burned C. I AM DATING SOMEONE ELSE! I cant believe that i cheated. It boggles my mind, but in that moment, i didnt kind, because i knew David was the person i am meant to be with. So what do I do? i want to give Kyle a chance, because he is also a great guy, but it is wrong to love an undatable guy, and use a datable one in the mean time until the undatable one becomes availible. I am so confused.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Perfect Man?
In my twenty years of existance, I may not have figured everything out, but in one area, I have had a recent epiphany. I have discovered relationships are the gamble of a lifetime. As my mother said today, "relationships are the most important part of a person's life, which is perhaps why we struggle in this area more than any other". I am a common person and live a common life; therefore, I am no exception to this rule.
As a newly single young adult, I have been unfortunately faced with the fact that the human race as a whole is horribly flawed. The perfect man or woman does not exist. So my question to you is this: In a world of imperfect people, how do you KNOW when someone fits you perfectly? Or is the conception of a perfect match have a place next to faith in Santa or the Tooth Fairy?
Let me begin with a personal story to make my point. I dated a guy for nine months, only ending the relationship just before Christmas. In the beginning he pursued my relentlessly to no avail, because I was not physically attracted to the man, nor was he very mature. I did not see the chemistry, so I wrote him off, saying if it doesn't feel right, its not. But time pasted, and eventually, I began to look past the lack of physical attraction and focus on the other qualities he had that made him a good guy. He was sensitive, honesty, trustworthy, and very genuine. His heart was completely in the right place, and all he wanted to do was make me happy. Reflecting on these traits for several months, I finally accepted his advances. Why you may ask? Because after plenty of thought, I adopted the attitude that no one will be the perfect man, there will always be things that you wish were different; therefore, what was the point in rejecting a clearly good man for no reason.
With this motto in mind, I plunged into the relationship, always trying to find the silver lining when his less than becoming qualities arose. Clearly, my attempts eventually became unsuccessful, because the relationship ended. I could no longer justify his short comings and our incompatibilities. So this is what I am left with: I wasted nine months of my life dating a guy with potential, because i believed that short comings are to be expected, and if he was a nice guy, there is no reason I shouldn't.
I would say, just move on and wait until the next datable guy appears, but I am faced the same predicament almost immediately upon entering singleness. With my ex out of the picture, several guys approach me with interest in dating, but they are all the same as the last. They all are sweet, decent men, who deserve a wonderful girl, but i just don't feel the chemistry or spark between us.
So i stand at a crossroad, will one of these men end up being "the one" in spite of the fact i do not feel initially strongly for them, or am I stuck in a circle of settling for men that do not fit me. They are like a beautiful pair of shoes that are simply a size too small. Should I have to squeeze into them, because the correct size will never be available or should I look at another style and find the correct size?
In the end, its all about what is settled and what is not. How much flawedness is to be expected and how much is too much for lasting functionablity? Which is where the whole, "is there a perfect match" comes in. I have no idea how we are supposed to know when a relationship is as good as it is going to get. I want to believe that when the right guy comes, I will just know, but if I never give the guys who approach me a chance, I will never see if that mysterious feeling will emerge.
In hopes of figuring out the answer to all these questions, I have decided to try again with another, equally as qualified young man. Just like the last, he is a man of good character and a soft heart. But also like the last, the initial sparks are lacking and he has imperfections. The first kiss was awkward. He is a skinny thing, and he is barely two inches taller than me. But I am choosing to dwell and the positives once again and enter into the relationship openly seeing that he is not the perfect man. A mistake? Perhaps. But we shall see.
As a newly single young adult, I have been unfortunately faced with the fact that the human race as a whole is horribly flawed. The perfect man or woman does not exist. So my question to you is this: In a world of imperfect people, how do you KNOW when someone fits you perfectly? Or is the conception of a perfect match have a place next to faith in Santa or the Tooth Fairy?
Let me begin with a personal story to make my point. I dated a guy for nine months, only ending the relationship just before Christmas. In the beginning he pursued my relentlessly to no avail, because I was not physically attracted to the man, nor was he very mature. I did not see the chemistry, so I wrote him off, saying if it doesn't feel right, its not. But time pasted, and eventually, I began to look past the lack of physical attraction and focus on the other qualities he had that made him a good guy. He was sensitive, honesty, trustworthy, and very genuine. His heart was completely in the right place, and all he wanted to do was make me happy. Reflecting on these traits for several months, I finally accepted his advances. Why you may ask? Because after plenty of thought, I adopted the attitude that no one will be the perfect man, there will always be things that you wish were different; therefore, what was the point in rejecting a clearly good man for no reason.
With this motto in mind, I plunged into the relationship, always trying to find the silver lining when his less than becoming qualities arose. Clearly, my attempts eventually became unsuccessful, because the relationship ended. I could no longer justify his short comings and our incompatibilities. So this is what I am left with: I wasted nine months of my life dating a guy with potential, because i believed that short comings are to be expected, and if he was a nice guy, there is no reason I shouldn't.
I would say, just move on and wait until the next datable guy appears, but I am faced the same predicament almost immediately upon entering singleness. With my ex out of the picture, several guys approach me with interest in dating, but they are all the same as the last. They all are sweet, decent men, who deserve a wonderful girl, but i just don't feel the chemistry or spark between us.
So i stand at a crossroad, will one of these men end up being "the one" in spite of the fact i do not feel initially strongly for them, or am I stuck in a circle of settling for men that do not fit me. They are like a beautiful pair of shoes that are simply a size too small. Should I have to squeeze into them, because the correct size will never be available or should I look at another style and find the correct size?
In the end, its all about what is settled and what is not. How much flawedness is to be expected and how much is too much for lasting functionablity? Which is where the whole, "is there a perfect match" comes in. I have no idea how we are supposed to know when a relationship is as good as it is going to get. I want to believe that when the right guy comes, I will just know, but if I never give the guys who approach me a chance, I will never see if that mysterious feeling will emerge.
In hopes of figuring out the answer to all these questions, I have decided to try again with another, equally as qualified young man. Just like the last, he is a man of good character and a soft heart. But also like the last, the initial sparks are lacking and he has imperfections. The first kiss was awkward. He is a skinny thing, and he is barely two inches taller than me. But I am choosing to dwell and the positives once again and enter into the relationship openly seeing that he is not the perfect man. A mistake? Perhaps. But we shall see.
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