“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
For once, this quote has fulfilled itself in the way we all wish it would :D
The day after my last entry, I was supposed to go see Ty for a final goodbye. Last minute, I decided I couldn't bare to go see him and know I couldn't have him. I was finally starting to get into a good place about the situation, and I didn't want to upset my progress. Ty agreed that no one would benefit from seeing each other, but we continued to text that day.
Finally, as the day was ending and the cut off approached, Tyler broke. He asked me out again. I was completely surprised, because I seriously thought he was done and not going to take it back. But in conversations since then, He says not being with me hurt him a lot more than he had ever let on
Needless to say, I am incredibly happy he is back. I am in love with him and life simply was not nearly as happy without him. The only penalty of this "hiccup" is my trust in him is shaken. He completed blindsided me when he called it off and now he is back to the way he was before, if not more fervent in wanting to be with me forever. It hard to readjust, considering a week ago, he was acting like living the single life was what he wanted. He says that even one week away showed him how important I am in his life and how his guy friends have their place, but its not the same closeness and bond of having a girlfriend. He promises he will never do it again. I know he is sincere, but it is still going to take some time to feel confident that he will stay like he says.
Our rekindling came with very good time. A few days after we got back together, his mother got some horrible news. She has had melanoma for the past ten years, but it had always been under control. This spring, she had a major surgery to get rid of some of the new spots that had shown up on her arm and in her breast and colon. She has to be completely cancer free before they could start her planned therapy. Unfortunately, the MRI showed a tumor in her brain. This is devastating news. Mets to the brain shows advanced cancer, and Jana is forty and far too young to leave her family behind. Ty is incrediblly close to his mother; therefore, this news is crushing him and rightfully so. Melanoma progresses fast, so who knows how long it will take to get her. I'm trying to be there for him as much as I can, but what do you say? There is no redeeming element to this situation. It just all round sucks and is completely unfair.
This is why Ty and I need each other. I need to help him through his mother's illness. And he will help me through the stressful, crazy world of being a new RN.
We are in this together.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
But you said..
Its been a while since my last post, but that is mostly because Rufus chewed up my computer cord. Having waited for a new one to come for several weeks, I am now reconnected with the internet world :)
I feel like my world has been turned upside down in the last few weeks. Let us review why.
1. Since moving to SC I have been struggling with anxiety, sleeping, and binge-purging alot, as discussed in previous posts. This past week, I finally went to a pysch person to get a prescription for medication. I could not stand living my life like that. Before they would let me see an actual doctor, I had to have a meeting with a counselor, which proved to be more productive than I thought it would be. I have the doctor appoint on wednesday, but I am not sure I want to go. Talking with the counselor just made me realize that I need to keep Jesus the focus of my life. So i went out and bought a great devotional called "The Message//Remix: solo". Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do a devotion from my book and read a chapter from "The Purpose-driven Life". I know everyone has told you this, but it really helps put your day into perspective and sets you up with a good attitude inspite of whatever else is going on. Doing this has helped me so much and it would be great to do this without medications, so we will see.
2.Tyler..oh Tyler. The love of my life, but boy does he make me cry. But I honestly take it as a good thing rather than bad. Once again, this is an aspect that sets Tyler apart from David and Andrew. In both of those relationships, I never really cried (accept at the very very end of mine and David's). Even with all the break ups and make ups, I was relatively tearless. Part of me felt heartless and dysfunctional for not being able to cry, but the other part of me just figured it was me being mature. Now that I have been with Tyler, a guy i TRULY care very deeply for, I see that the reason I didn't cry is because my emotional investment was not very large. At the end of the day, if David or Andrew didn't come back, I didn't really care. I had a "fine. on to the next attitude". But with Tyler, as usually, that's not how it is.
In the past few weeks, Tyler had been acting differently and I could tell that the strain of having a long distance relationship was starting to get to him. I tried to make myself as acessible as possible by visiting midweek and talking at night, but it still wasn't cutting it for him. I was starting to feel like Ty was not interesting in me at all anymore. He was acting "checked out" (for the lack of a better term) and I didn't understand why. My mind naturally went to the worse place: I was convinced that the spark had left for him. That we had started in a whirlwind and that after four mouths the newness and awe of the relationship had rubbed off ,and he was realizing that he just wasn't interested anymore. These thoughts broke my heart ,but I didn't have the courage to confront Ty about it. I was afraid he would confirm them. Finally, after a solid week of crying myself to sleep, I found the courage to ask him why he was being like this. His response shocked me.
It was not that he didn't love me anymore. In fact, he promised me that his feelings were stronger than ever, but something else was bugging him. Basically, it was a struggle of priorities: friends or girlfriend. And since we live 1.5 hours apart, it unforunately has to be one or other. It breaks my heart, but at this point, he is choosing his friends and I don't blame him. we are young: 22 and 21 years old. We still have young, single friends and great times to be had. What's the point in rushing through your childhood to get into a serious relationship and get married? That is what worried Ty. He didn't want to turn into dozens of couples from his high school who got married when they were 20 and they were never seen out again..always at home with the wife. He was bawling as he told me all this, but I knew it was the truth and I knew he was absolutely right. There is no point in rushing our lives. I especially realize that now, having moved away and started my first big-girl job. He said he loved me dearly and when he was ready to be in a serious relationship, that he would come back to me.
So in that spirit, Ty and I are not together right now. We are both heart broken, but I know its the right thing to do. As they say "Let them go. If they come back to you, their yours. If they don't, they never were".
I have decided to steal back a bit of my childhood as well. I am returning to Dordt in the fall to finish my degree! I spent my senior year of high school at college and now I was planning to spend my senior year of college working and going to school full time. Why was I in such a rush?? I have good friends and good times at Dordt; therefore, I am going back to have one final year of freedom and craziness, and oh will it be :) I'm gonna stay up late, drink too much, flirt at the bar, attend various Dordt fuctions intoxicated...its going to be so fun! I missed my girlfriends at Dordt so much and I am so happy to be reunited with me. I need to slow down and enjoy the phase I am in. Unfortunately, it took a blow to my heart to see that.
So here is the plan:
1. not talk to Ty for the rest of the summer- He made the choice to leave and now he has to deal with it. If I make myself too available to him, he'll take forever to come back...I have to give him a chance to miss me and see how important I actually am to him.
2. When fall rolls around, Ty and I will start hanging out again and see where he stands after a summer with as much "guy time" as he wants. If he doesn't want something yet or at all, so be it! I'm gonna be busy with my own friend, social functions, other boys, and school. If I am not what he wants, I will move on.
3. I am gonna concentrate on four things this summer:
-my relationship with God
-work: gotta pay that tuition :/
-tanning
-working out
When I go back to Dordt I intend to be in the best shape of my life. I currently weigh 145 lbs (lose 20 lbs since January!). My goal for the summer is to lose 15 more lbs. When I left Dordt in January I was fat, unhappy, broken and inconfident. They are going to meet a new Mary Beth- a sexy, confident, outgoing girl. I want to met as many people as I can this year. I want to be a social butterfly for the first time in my whole life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
I feel like my world has been turned upside down in the last few weeks. Let us review why.
1. Since moving to SC I have been struggling with anxiety, sleeping, and binge-purging alot, as discussed in previous posts. This past week, I finally went to a pysch person to get a prescription for medication. I could not stand living my life like that. Before they would let me see an actual doctor, I had to have a meeting with a counselor, which proved to be more productive than I thought it would be. I have the doctor appoint on wednesday, but I am not sure I want to go. Talking with the counselor just made me realize that I need to keep Jesus the focus of my life. So i went out and bought a great devotional called "The Message//Remix: solo". Every morning, before I get out of bed, I do a devotion from my book and read a chapter from "The Purpose-driven Life". I know everyone has told you this, but it really helps put your day into perspective and sets you up with a good attitude inspite of whatever else is going on. Doing this has helped me so much and it would be great to do this without medications, so we will see.
2.Tyler..oh Tyler. The love of my life, but boy does he make me cry. But I honestly take it as a good thing rather than bad. Once again, this is an aspect that sets Tyler apart from David and Andrew. In both of those relationships, I never really cried (accept at the very very end of mine and David's). Even with all the break ups and make ups, I was relatively tearless. Part of me felt heartless and dysfunctional for not being able to cry, but the other part of me just figured it was me being mature. Now that I have been with Tyler, a guy i TRULY care very deeply for, I see that the reason I didn't cry is because my emotional investment was not very large. At the end of the day, if David or Andrew didn't come back, I didn't really care. I had a "fine. on to the next attitude". But with Tyler, as usually, that's not how it is.
In the past few weeks, Tyler had been acting differently and I could tell that the strain of having a long distance relationship was starting to get to him. I tried to make myself as acessible as possible by visiting midweek and talking at night, but it still wasn't cutting it for him. I was starting to feel like Ty was not interesting in me at all anymore. He was acting "checked out" (for the lack of a better term) and I didn't understand why. My mind naturally went to the worse place: I was convinced that the spark had left for him. That we had started in a whirlwind and that after four mouths the newness and awe of the relationship had rubbed off ,and he was realizing that he just wasn't interested anymore. These thoughts broke my heart ,but I didn't have the courage to confront Ty about it. I was afraid he would confirm them. Finally, after a solid week of crying myself to sleep, I found the courage to ask him why he was being like this. His response shocked me.
It was not that he didn't love me anymore. In fact, he promised me that his feelings were stronger than ever, but something else was bugging him. Basically, it was a struggle of priorities: friends or girlfriend. And since we live 1.5 hours apart, it unforunately has to be one or other. It breaks my heart, but at this point, he is choosing his friends and I don't blame him. we are young: 22 and 21 years old. We still have young, single friends and great times to be had. What's the point in rushing through your childhood to get into a serious relationship and get married? That is what worried Ty. He didn't want to turn into dozens of couples from his high school who got married when they were 20 and they were never seen out again..always at home with the wife. He was bawling as he told me all this, but I knew it was the truth and I knew he was absolutely right. There is no point in rushing our lives. I especially realize that now, having moved away and started my first big-girl job. He said he loved me dearly and when he was ready to be in a serious relationship, that he would come back to me.
So in that spirit, Ty and I are not together right now. We are both heart broken, but I know its the right thing to do. As they say "Let them go. If they come back to you, their yours. If they don't, they never were".
I have decided to steal back a bit of my childhood as well. I am returning to Dordt in the fall to finish my degree! I spent my senior year of high school at college and now I was planning to spend my senior year of college working and going to school full time. Why was I in such a rush?? I have good friends and good times at Dordt; therefore, I am going back to have one final year of freedom and craziness, and oh will it be :) I'm gonna stay up late, drink too much, flirt at the bar, attend various Dordt fuctions intoxicated...its going to be so fun! I missed my girlfriends at Dordt so much and I am so happy to be reunited with me. I need to slow down and enjoy the phase I am in. Unfortunately, it took a blow to my heart to see that.
So here is the plan:
1. not talk to Ty for the rest of the summer- He made the choice to leave and now he has to deal with it. If I make myself too available to him, he'll take forever to come back...I have to give him a chance to miss me and see how important I actually am to him.
2. When fall rolls around, Ty and I will start hanging out again and see where he stands after a summer with as much "guy time" as he wants. If he doesn't want something yet or at all, so be it! I'm gonna be busy with my own friend, social functions, other boys, and school. If I am not what he wants, I will move on.
3. I am gonna concentrate on four things this summer:
-my relationship with God
-work: gotta pay that tuition :/
-tanning
-working out
When I go back to Dordt I intend to be in the best shape of my life. I currently weigh 145 lbs (lose 20 lbs since January!). My goal for the summer is to lose 15 more lbs. When I left Dordt in January I was fat, unhappy, broken and inconfident. They are going to meet a new Mary Beth- a sexy, confident, outgoing girl. I want to met as many people as I can this year. I want to be a social butterfly for the first time in my whole life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
Monday, May 16, 2011
I can't stop binging and purging. I don't think a week as gone by since I moved to Sioux City where I have not at least once. Its so frustrating, because I know it is bad for me, yet I continue to do it anyways. I don't know what draws me to it, but the oddly fulfilling feeling it gives me drives me to do it again..again...again.
I feel like I will NEVER to able to put this habit to rest. I can't escape it.
I feel like I will NEVER to able to put this habit to rest. I can't escape it.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Missing Piece.
Over the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with focusing my life , which results in anxiety,feeling unbalance and unsure of myself. Work is very stress and when I have no other coping mechanism, I eat. This makes my relationship with Ty suffer, because I start to back out of plans and lose faith in our relationship (the whole "Im not good enough" thought process).
I CAN NOT GO BACK TO THIS.
I have worked SOO hard in the past few months to get my body under control and I do not want it to slip away from me now. And beyond that, when I am eating poorly the rest of my life suffers even more so than it does normally. Basically, I am trying to find my footings here in my new reality and it is really hard. I hate waking up and feeling depressed and empty. I have no reason to be! I have a fulfilling job, an apartment to myself, food, friends, and loving family and boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more I know that GOD is the missing thing in the picture. Everything seems so meaningless without him there. I know if I would simply put my trust in him, so much of my worrying would go away: my work stress, my relationship stress, my body stress. He gives me so much peace, but I have definitely fallen away from that in the past year. I need to befriend Jesus again, because I can't do this alone.
I want to be happy, and I can not find that in work or Ty. It only can come from Jesus. I am starting a bible study tomorrow. Things have got to change.
I CAN NOT GO BACK TO THIS.
I have worked SOO hard in the past few months to get my body under control and I do not want it to slip away from me now. And beyond that, when I am eating poorly the rest of my life suffers even more so than it does normally. Basically, I am trying to find my footings here in my new reality and it is really hard. I hate waking up and feeling depressed and empty. I have no reason to be! I have a fulfilling job, an apartment to myself, food, friends, and loving family and boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more I know that GOD is the missing thing in the picture. Everything seems so meaningless without him there. I know if I would simply put my trust in him, so much of my worrying would go away: my work stress, my relationship stress, my body stress. He gives me so much peace, but I have definitely fallen away from that in the past year. I need to befriend Jesus again, because I can't do this alone.
I want to be happy, and I can not find that in work or Ty. It only can come from Jesus. I am starting a bible study tomorrow. Things have got to change.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Growing Up :)
Because of my career, the standard 9-5 M-F schedule does not really work. This explains why, on a wednesday, I am camped out on Ty's bed while he is at work. My schedule is essentially three days on, two off, four on, two off, etc. So that makes little "weekends" in the middle of the week sometimes. Which is nice, since that gives me more oppertunities to see Ty.
Firstly, I LOVE MY JOB. I am really stressed out and have had some trouble sleeping, but working is amazing. I love being with the patients and learning so many new things everyday. AND i got my first big girl paycheck today! 921.00. Decent? It sucks that taxes takes like $300. It really freaks me out trying to budget my expensives. I'm afraid that I will predict wrong and be surprisingly broke. My next big purchase is a TV (approx $400), so I think I will wait for my next paycheck before I buy. But generally speaking, in spite of the added stress, I am loving being on my own and working.
Besides my life going well, I am VERY happy to see some pleasant changes in Ty. They are not huge, but they are steps in the right direction and they show that his thought process is maturing and he is starting to value more important areas of his life.
I have mentioned before that Ty's maturity concerns me at times. He does not have a very well paying job yet refuses to go to school or find a job he can work up in the chain in. In the long run, this could be a major problem because Lord knows I do not want to be the sole breadwinner on a nurse's salary. Ty still is not planning on changing his job BUT there are other small steps being made, which will hopefully eventually turn into a career change as well.
1. Drinking- In the past, drinking has been a huge part of his lifestyle and a huge expensive. Ty admitted the other day, that in the month after he was cheated on and broke up with Kaitlyn he spent over $1600 on booze (the same month that he was a whore and slept with 15 women)
SIDE NOTE: A few weeks ago, I finally put my foot down and demanded that he go get tested for STD's. It wasn't that he was unwilling to go, it was just embarassing. Forunately, April is STD awareness month so he was able to get all his testing for free (it can cost over $300!). And best of all, he is completely clean..even after all those girls. This news takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It makes me feel like we can finally let his past die and move on.
But even when he wasn't heartbroken over a cheating girlfriend, Ty drank and got drunk alot. Got kicked out of bars. Almost died in snowbanks. Drunk drove. Got fired from a job for being hung over. Drinking was his main companion and favorite activity. I have mentioned before that Ty wants to stop drinking. When he first said it I thought that he would for a while, but then go back but thats not whats happening. He legit does not want to drink any more. He likes to have a few but overwise, he stops. For the past few weekends he has willingly been the DD for all his friends and doesn't even mind. If there was a time for him to miss it, it would be when all his friends are doing it right in front of him, but he said he doesn't miss it at all. This is a huge relief to me, because
a. I don't have to worry about him getting hurt or in trouble anymore. Its amazing to me that he does not have a DUI and thank god, because if he did, he would probably never get to work with children again and it would be alot harder for him to get a job.
b. Its one less expense for him. He is trying really hard to make this whole childcare job work, but it is difficult when he gets paid so little.
c. Its a sign of maturity- he is putting the party lifestyle to rest and not because someone ( or I) told him to, its because he wants to. When I asked him why he was doing it he said:" I am just not in that mindset anymore. I want to get married someday and have kids and a family. I don't want to party".
2. Earrings- okay so this one is not that big a deal, but it still says something. Last night, Ty played softball on a team with a bunch of buddies. He took out his earrings before the game and when I gave them back to him on the ride home, he said that he didn't think he wanted to put them back in. I asked why and he said he wore them to be hotter but now it really doesn't matter. This decision just gives more support to his no alcohol one. Let's be honest, boys wearing earring stamps "punk"/ "douchbag" on their foreheads. Are earrings hott? Yes. I think they are hott as hell, but they definitely put you in the bad boy, party category, which can leave a bad impression on some. And he doesn't want them anymore :) He doesn't want to be that guy and I am so proud of him.
The biggest triumph in all of this is that I never said a word to him about this stuff. He thought about it and wanted to do it by himself. It makes me so unbelievably happy because his maturity and ability to be responsible is the ONLY thing I am ever worried about with him. I love him dearly, I trust him to be faithful without a doubt, we are front similar background and have similar values..plus ten million other things I love about him. It is awesome to see the only question mark start to resolve itself. I already told Ty that if we were ever to get married and I would have to date him for at least two years. This is why when the maturity bit was in question, I was okay with it. People can change alot in two year. It is amazing to see things already starting to turn around in the first few months of dating. I love this boy.
Firstly, I LOVE MY JOB. I am really stressed out and have had some trouble sleeping, but working is amazing. I love being with the patients and learning so many new things everyday. AND i got my first big girl paycheck today! 921.00. Decent? It sucks that taxes takes like $300. It really freaks me out trying to budget my expensives. I'm afraid that I will predict wrong and be surprisingly broke. My next big purchase is a TV (approx $400), so I think I will wait for my next paycheck before I buy. But generally speaking, in spite of the added stress, I am loving being on my own and working.
Besides my life going well, I am VERY happy to see some pleasant changes in Ty. They are not huge, but they are steps in the right direction and they show that his thought process is maturing and he is starting to value more important areas of his life.
I have mentioned before that Ty's maturity concerns me at times. He does not have a very well paying job yet refuses to go to school or find a job he can work up in the chain in. In the long run, this could be a major problem because Lord knows I do not want to be the sole breadwinner on a nurse's salary. Ty still is not planning on changing his job BUT there are other small steps being made, which will hopefully eventually turn into a career change as well.
1. Drinking- In the past, drinking has been a huge part of his lifestyle and a huge expensive. Ty admitted the other day, that in the month after he was cheated on and broke up with Kaitlyn he spent over $1600 on booze (the same month that he was a whore and slept with 15 women)
SIDE NOTE: A few weeks ago, I finally put my foot down and demanded that he go get tested for STD's. It wasn't that he was unwilling to go, it was just embarassing. Forunately, April is STD awareness month so he was able to get all his testing for free (it can cost over $300!). And best of all, he is completely clean..even after all those girls. This news takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders. It makes me feel like we can finally let his past die and move on.
But even when he wasn't heartbroken over a cheating girlfriend, Ty drank and got drunk alot. Got kicked out of bars. Almost died in snowbanks. Drunk drove. Got fired from a job for being hung over. Drinking was his main companion and favorite activity. I have mentioned before that Ty wants to stop drinking. When he first said it I thought that he would for a while, but then go back but thats not whats happening. He legit does not want to drink any more. He likes to have a few but overwise, he stops. For the past few weekends he has willingly been the DD for all his friends and doesn't even mind. If there was a time for him to miss it, it would be when all his friends are doing it right in front of him, but he said he doesn't miss it at all. This is a huge relief to me, because
a. I don't have to worry about him getting hurt or in trouble anymore. Its amazing to me that he does not have a DUI and thank god, because if he did, he would probably never get to work with children again and it would be alot harder for him to get a job.
b. Its one less expense for him. He is trying really hard to make this whole childcare job work, but it is difficult when he gets paid so little.
c. Its a sign of maturity- he is putting the party lifestyle to rest and not because someone ( or I) told him to, its because he wants to. When I asked him why he was doing it he said:" I am just not in that mindset anymore. I want to get married someday and have kids and a family. I don't want to party".
2. Earrings- okay so this one is not that big a deal, but it still says something. Last night, Ty played softball on a team with a bunch of buddies. He took out his earrings before the game and when I gave them back to him on the ride home, he said that he didn't think he wanted to put them back in. I asked why and he said he wore them to be hotter but now it really doesn't matter. This decision just gives more support to his no alcohol one. Let's be honest, boys wearing earring stamps "punk"/ "douchbag" on their foreheads. Are earrings hott? Yes. I think they are hott as hell, but they definitely put you in the bad boy, party category, which can leave a bad impression on some. And he doesn't want them anymore :) He doesn't want to be that guy and I am so proud of him.
The biggest triumph in all of this is that I never said a word to him about this stuff. He thought about it and wanted to do it by himself. It makes me so unbelievably happy because his maturity and ability to be responsible is the ONLY thing I am ever worried about with him. I love him dearly, I trust him to be faithful without a doubt, we are front similar background and have similar values..plus ten million other things I love about him. It is awesome to see the only question mark start to resolve itself. I already told Ty that if we were ever to get married and I would have to date him for at least two years. This is why when the maturity bit was in question, I was okay with it. People can change alot in two year. It is amazing to see things already starting to turn around in the first few months of dating. I love this boy.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Blahhh Day
Firstly, I am not a morning person, so starting work at 6:45 am is not really my thing. Especially with nursing as a career. It is amazing how overworked and understaffed hospitals are. It boogles my mind that safe care is given at all when nurses are stretched so thin. This makes me a nervous wreck. I am going to be an independently practicing nurse in six weeks, how am I, Mary Beth, EVER going to be able to juggle all this. I love being a nurse and would never take it back BUT it makes for a long long day. I am quickly learning that 7- 3:30 does not mean that at all..its more like 6:40 to 5 or 6, if your not mandated to stay until 7 or 8.
So long story short, I am soo tired; therefore, no workout for me tonight. I just want to be a pile and go to bed early.
The only not blah/tired thing about my day is Ty. I am so head over heels I am starting to scare myself. I have been with other guys and I've been in love, but never ever like this. Ty is different and in the best ways. For the first time since I was sixteen, I genuinely know that if a guy (Ty) wanted to, he could break my heart. I thought I loved David and kinda thought I loved Andrew, but now I KNOW i didn't. I never went crazy for them the way I do for Ty. Looking back, I think I thought I loved them, because they loved me (if that makes sense). Meaning, their affection and passion for me, made me be attracted to them. My feelings were exclusively based on their over the top feelings for me, because being with someone who lives and breaths for you feels good. To be wanted feels good.
I wake up every day more in love with Ty and because of this, it absolutely kills me not being able to see him during the week. He hangs out with his friends alot, so most days I speak to him for twenty minutes tops. I have always hated long-distance relationships but Ty puts it on a whole other level. I have never wanted to come home to someone so much. I must be honeymooning like a bitch, or maybe this is the real deal. And the older I get, the more I yearn to have the "real deal". This week, I have been taking care of a mid-fifty year old male, who constantly has his wife by his side. They have been married for 31 years and when I asked him how he does it, he almost started crying as he said, "She's my best friend". You can see how much they love each other when they interact. They are both firecrackers, but when it is all said and done, they ooze devotion to each other. He is very very sick and you can see that she cares about him more than anything in the world. I want to have that. That even after 31 years together, the thought of not having them drives me crazy with anxiety and fear. I want to be in LOVE and never fall out of it.
So long story short, I am soo tired; therefore, no workout for me tonight. I just want to be a pile and go to bed early.
The only not blah/tired thing about my day is Ty. I am so head over heels I am starting to scare myself. I have been with other guys and I've been in love, but never ever like this. Ty is different and in the best ways. For the first time since I was sixteen, I genuinely know that if a guy (Ty) wanted to, he could break my heart. I thought I loved David and kinda thought I loved Andrew, but now I KNOW i didn't. I never went crazy for them the way I do for Ty. Looking back, I think I thought I loved them, because they loved me (if that makes sense). Meaning, their affection and passion for me, made me be attracted to them. My feelings were exclusively based on their over the top feelings for me, because being with someone who lives and breaths for you feels good. To be wanted feels good.
I wake up every day more in love with Ty and because of this, it absolutely kills me not being able to see him during the week. He hangs out with his friends alot, so most days I speak to him for twenty minutes tops. I have always hated long-distance relationships but Ty puts it on a whole other level. I have never wanted to come home to someone so much. I must be honeymooning like a bitch, or maybe this is the real deal. And the older I get, the more I yearn to have the "real deal". This week, I have been taking care of a mid-fifty year old male, who constantly has his wife by his side. They have been married for 31 years and when I asked him how he does it, he almost started crying as he said, "She's my best friend". You can see how much they love each other when they interact. They are both firecrackers, but when it is all said and done, they ooze devotion to each other. He is very very sick and you can see that she cares about him more than anything in the world. I want to have that. That even after 31 years together, the thought of not having them drives me crazy with anxiety and fear. I want to be in LOVE and never fall out of it.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Old Habits
I am one day away from completing my very first week of full-time employment. Although, this week was not an accurate view of what work life will be like (since I have sat in front of a computer for 90% of it), I am excited, yet incredibly stressed out.
MB's stressors:
1. I'm sick-meaning I can't workout, which makes me worried about gaining weight
2. My face is breaking out- Ty's number one turn off is acne and I see him in one day sweeeeet.
3. New job- the pressure of full RN responsibilities, trying to learn all this information in a very short amount of time, meeting a lot of important people and new coworkers.
4. Finances- I have not gotten a paycheck yet and my money reserve is slowly dwindling. I am sure I will be fine, but it still freaks me out. A part of me is afraid I will suck at my job and I will get fired and then I will be in big financial trouble.
5. School- I got accepted to Mankato State to finish my degree but today I realized that since I live in Iowa now, it is going to cost me double and I don't know if I will be able to save enough money to go without loans. I am not sure if I should stay at Mankato or try going to a school in Iowa, meaning I would have to go through the whole application process all over again.
6. Ty- I am always a little stressed about him. I love him so much, so not seeing him or talking to him very often a. makes me question his devotion (dumb) b. makes me crabby and sad because I am lonely. He always has friends and people around to do stuff with. I have Rufus.
7. Going home this weekend- Ty is meeting my parents and friends for the first time. I really want things to go well and my parents always make me nervous about bring guys home. They are very traditional and wary so there is a ton of pressure to impress them. And I hope Hattie likes him and he likes Hattie. We could have a problem if they dont get along.
8. Organizing my life- trying to figure out benefits for work and bills in my apartment are freaking me out because I have no idea what I am doing and I don't know if I am doing it right
9. Because of 1-8 my body is mad at me and I am having tons of IBS symptoms, which makes working in a quiet computer room all day a problem.
...in summary, I feel like I have a lot on my plate. It might not be that bad, but I am alone. I don't have anyone here to tell me that it is going to be okay. Ty would but he isn't here to see me stressing and I don't want to bug him with it.
So that bad habit? Purging.
I have not purged in months, but for whatever reason tonight pushed me over the edge. As I sat worrying about all these things and trying to work them workout, I was mindlessly munching on whatever. I really didn't eat a ton or anything "bad" but nonetheless, I had the overwhelming urge to get rid of it, so I did. In those moments, I have the most ambivalent feelings. On one hand, I feel amazing like I am accomplishing something, because I am getting rid of it, but at the same time, I look in the mirror and I feel pathetic and broken. Thinking: "Really? This is how you chose to cope?". I know that its bad for me and does not really deal with the issue, but sometimes it just feels sooo good. I think its the fact that is relieves one of my stressors. I may not be able to control my finances, parents, or Ty in this moment, but I can "fix" my fear of gaining weight because I ate too much. I have lost 15 pounds since January and I feel so amazing...when I eat right. But things like stress and being sick makes me stray, which makes me very frustrated and depressed about myself. If I wouldn't have struggled with it in the past, I know I wouldn't be doing it, but its hard to break these habits when I'm presented with a similar situation to the one I was in when it initially started. Its how I coped then, so this is how I know how to cope now.
All of these makes me think of David. When I look back, it is amazing to me how I could not have seen how bad he was for me and to me. So many many things went horribly in my life when he was in it. I was open with David about purging and I think he only made it worse. Firstly, I really started doing it when I started dating him. Secondly, when I told him about it he pretty much poo-pooed it. Acting like it was not that bad. In fact, one time I told him that I felt like I needed to and he requested to watch. I let him. During it, he watched but he also showed me a better way to do it/ criticized my techique. Really? When your girlfriend is making herself vomit in front of you, you scoff and show her better? What an inabler. His selfishness awes me the more I think back on those days. He was so stuck in his own hurts and issues that the biggest issue in my life was not that big a deal in his eyes.
Purging is not the answer, but nights like tonight make me think that its going to be happening more often. These stressors are not going to go away. In fact, they will probably only get worse; therefore, my need to have even a small amount of control will also increase. I really really don't want to fall into this again, but I don't know what else to do.
MB's stressors:
1. I'm sick-meaning I can't workout, which makes me worried about gaining weight
2. My face is breaking out- Ty's number one turn off is acne and I see him in one day sweeeeet.
3. New job- the pressure of full RN responsibilities, trying to learn all this information in a very short amount of time, meeting a lot of important people and new coworkers.
4. Finances- I have not gotten a paycheck yet and my money reserve is slowly dwindling. I am sure I will be fine, but it still freaks me out. A part of me is afraid I will suck at my job and I will get fired and then I will be in big financial trouble.
5. School- I got accepted to Mankato State to finish my degree but today I realized that since I live in Iowa now, it is going to cost me double and I don't know if I will be able to save enough money to go without loans. I am not sure if I should stay at Mankato or try going to a school in Iowa, meaning I would have to go through the whole application process all over again.
6. Ty- I am always a little stressed about him. I love him so much, so not seeing him or talking to him very often a. makes me question his devotion (dumb) b. makes me crabby and sad because I am lonely. He always has friends and people around to do stuff with. I have Rufus.
7. Going home this weekend- Ty is meeting my parents and friends for the first time. I really want things to go well and my parents always make me nervous about bring guys home. They are very traditional and wary so there is a ton of pressure to impress them. And I hope Hattie likes him and he likes Hattie. We could have a problem if they dont get along.
8. Organizing my life- trying to figure out benefits for work and bills in my apartment are freaking me out because I have no idea what I am doing and I don't know if I am doing it right
9. Because of 1-8 my body is mad at me and I am having tons of IBS symptoms, which makes working in a quiet computer room all day a problem.
...in summary, I feel like I have a lot on my plate. It might not be that bad, but I am alone. I don't have anyone here to tell me that it is going to be okay. Ty would but he isn't here to see me stressing and I don't want to bug him with it.
So that bad habit? Purging.
I have not purged in months, but for whatever reason tonight pushed me over the edge. As I sat worrying about all these things and trying to work them workout, I was mindlessly munching on whatever. I really didn't eat a ton or anything "bad" but nonetheless, I had the overwhelming urge to get rid of it, so I did. In those moments, I have the most ambivalent feelings. On one hand, I feel amazing like I am accomplishing something, because I am getting rid of it, but at the same time, I look in the mirror and I feel pathetic and broken. Thinking: "Really? This is how you chose to cope?". I know that its bad for me and does not really deal with the issue, but sometimes it just feels sooo good. I think its the fact that is relieves one of my stressors. I may not be able to control my finances, parents, or Ty in this moment, but I can "fix" my fear of gaining weight because I ate too much. I have lost 15 pounds since January and I feel so amazing...when I eat right. But things like stress and being sick makes me stray, which makes me very frustrated and depressed about myself. If I wouldn't have struggled with it in the past, I know I wouldn't be doing it, but its hard to break these habits when I'm presented with a similar situation to the one I was in when it initially started. Its how I coped then, so this is how I know how to cope now.
All of these makes me think of David. When I look back, it is amazing to me how I could not have seen how bad he was for me and to me. So many many things went horribly in my life when he was in it. I was open with David about purging and I think he only made it worse. Firstly, I really started doing it when I started dating him. Secondly, when I told him about it he pretty much poo-pooed it. Acting like it was not that bad. In fact, one time I told him that I felt like I needed to and he requested to watch. I let him. During it, he watched but he also showed me a better way to do it/ criticized my techique. Really? When your girlfriend is making herself vomit in front of you, you scoff and show her better? What an inabler. His selfishness awes me the more I think back on those days. He was so stuck in his own hurts and issues that the biggest issue in my life was not that big a deal in his eyes.
Purging is not the answer, but nights like tonight make me think that its going to be happening more often. These stressors are not going to go away. In fact, they will probably only get worse; therefore, my need to have even a small amount of control will also increase. I really really don't want to fall into this again, but I don't know what else to do.
Monday, April 4, 2011
ShitFest Weekend #2
I would hate to realize that the only reason I blog is to gripe about my life. There are so many amazing things I am thankful for, but recently, I feel like I just simply can not do anything right. Continuously fucking up my life.
The shitshow began with a bang thursday night. I went to Dordt to go to Thirsty Thursday with the girls. Ty was freaking out about it, because David was going to be on campus and pretty much every time I cheated on Andrew it was the deadly combo of alcohol and Dordt was involved. I really wanted to not get smashed, because I feel like that is what always happens on thursday nights. But from the first shot, I knew I was screwed. Seven shots later I went to the bar and the rest of the night is a blur. I don't remember how I got to the bar or what I did at the bar or even where I puked. All I know is I wasn't there long before I knew I needed to go home. I knew if I sat down or went to the bathroom, I would not get up. So I started to walk home...and called David to pick me up. As I literally stumbled down the road, David came. He picked me up, dropped me off, and that was it. No conversation, just business. I called Ty to tell him what happened. Unforunately, he decided to out go as well so when I called he was drunk and not very happy. I hung up on him and went to bed, because he was being stupid and I knew we were both too drunk to have a rational conversation. I passed out and woke up around 4 am a little sobered up, so I called Ty and tried to clear things up. He apologized about yelling, but I still felt like shit. I said I wasn't going to get drunk and I did. I said I would not see David and I did. Once again, I was the one who was messing up and asking for forgiveness.
Friday night: nothing special. Went to Buck's with Ty and his friend, but didn't have a drop of alcohol. Ty and I drove back to Sioux City and had a great night.
The Shitshow resumes on Saturday night. It was a friend of a friend's birthday and they were celebrating in Sioux City. The Dordt girls wanted me to come out, so Ty and I met them at the Firehouse and eventually moved with the group to 4th St. Bar. I hard five shots at home, so by the time I got to the bar Firehouse I was buzzing. At 4th St, I was offered two free drinks, so by the end of the night I was essentially wasted. The bar was really fun and I had a great time dancing with the girls and then with Ty. We didn't leave until close, so by the time we were going home I was exhausted and crabby as hell...and drunk. Its not the first time, but whenever I have that combination of elements, I turn into a kinda of mean person. Mostly because I'm crabby but don't have the sober word-filter to help me decide what is mean and what is not. Needless to say, I was mean to Ty the whole way home. When we got back, we started to hook up, but then I started bawling. Why? Because I was frustrated about not having sex and knowing that whoever I will be with will have had it and didn't wait like I did. Since, Ty is my boyfriend, the brunt of my frustration was taken out on him, because of his past with so many women. It was redicilous and I was a drunken asshole. So come morning, Ty is clearly not happy with me. Once again, I had gotten drunk and then I had turned into queen bitch.
Weekend apology totals:
Ty- zero
MB- two
why oh why oh why can't I just be a good girlfriend and stop messing everything up!? I am borderlined depressed right now. I feel so undeserving to be with Ty, because he never makes problems. He is only good to me and makes me happy. I highly doubt, he would say the same about me.
The shitshow began with a bang thursday night. I went to Dordt to go to Thirsty Thursday with the girls. Ty was freaking out about it, because David was going to be on campus and pretty much every time I cheated on Andrew it was the deadly combo of alcohol and Dordt was involved. I really wanted to not get smashed, because I feel like that is what always happens on thursday nights. But from the first shot, I knew I was screwed. Seven shots later I went to the bar and the rest of the night is a blur. I don't remember how I got to the bar or what I did at the bar or even where I puked. All I know is I wasn't there long before I knew I needed to go home. I knew if I sat down or went to the bathroom, I would not get up. So I started to walk home...and called David to pick me up. As I literally stumbled down the road, David came. He picked me up, dropped me off, and that was it. No conversation, just business. I called Ty to tell him what happened. Unforunately, he decided to out go as well so when I called he was drunk and not very happy. I hung up on him and went to bed, because he was being stupid and I knew we were both too drunk to have a rational conversation. I passed out and woke up around 4 am a little sobered up, so I called Ty and tried to clear things up. He apologized about yelling, but I still felt like shit. I said I wasn't going to get drunk and I did. I said I would not see David and I did. Once again, I was the one who was messing up and asking for forgiveness.
Friday night: nothing special. Went to Buck's with Ty and his friend, but didn't have a drop of alcohol. Ty and I drove back to Sioux City and had a great night.
The Shitshow resumes on Saturday night. It was a friend of a friend's birthday and they were celebrating in Sioux City. The Dordt girls wanted me to come out, so Ty and I met them at the Firehouse and eventually moved with the group to 4th St. Bar. I hard five shots at home, so by the time I got to the bar Firehouse I was buzzing. At 4th St, I was offered two free drinks, so by the end of the night I was essentially wasted. The bar was really fun and I had a great time dancing with the girls and then with Ty. We didn't leave until close, so by the time we were going home I was exhausted and crabby as hell...and drunk. Its not the first time, but whenever I have that combination of elements, I turn into a kinda of mean person. Mostly because I'm crabby but don't have the sober word-filter to help me decide what is mean and what is not. Needless to say, I was mean to Ty the whole way home. When we got back, we started to hook up, but then I started bawling. Why? Because I was frustrated about not having sex and knowing that whoever I will be with will have had it and didn't wait like I did. Since, Ty is my boyfriend, the brunt of my frustration was taken out on him, because of his past with so many women. It was redicilous and I was a drunken asshole. So come morning, Ty is clearly not happy with me. Once again, I had gotten drunk and then I had turned into queen bitch.
Weekend apology totals:
Ty- zero
MB- two
why oh why oh why can't I just be a good girlfriend and stop messing everything up!? I am borderlined depressed right now. I feel so undeserving to be with Ty, because he never makes problems. He is only good to me and makes me happy. I highly doubt, he would say the same about me.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Emily
As I sit here bawling, I feel like I have a severe case of PTSD, and I don't know if I can do it again.
Tyler told me from the beginning that he is "best friends" with a girl named Emily. I was cool with it, BUT then he told me that he had had a crush on her from grade school to high school and that "we could get married tomorrow and we would be happy forever". Even saying that I would probably hate hanging out with them, because I would be bugged by the way they acted. Best friends? Bullshit. That sounds like the girl who got away...the one that you want above all, but could not have so you settled for best friend. So what does that make me? Second choice? A poor man's Emily? This hurts me beyond words. Crushes my heart, because he says he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone yet the only reason he is not with Emily is because she did not want to be. I am demoralized beyond compare, because this is not the first time this has happened.
At the end of my relationship with Austin, he became "best friends" with a girl named Brittany. I was incredibly troubled by it, but Austin insisted that it was nothing. And what happened? Five days after we broke up, they were cuddling on the Marching Band bus. I spent the rest of that summer watching that heart wrenching relationship play out first hand as the Marching Band season went on. Words do not express what it is like to watch your first-love, ex boyfriend of over a year relationship move on to another girl in front of your eyes without batting a lash. All the while, trying desperately to win him back. Whatever it took- 3 hour work outs, religious calorie counting, 500 calories a day, no meat,twice a day workouts, alienating friends, six months of no period. Anything to get him back but failing. Now, you might say "boo-who get over it", but feeling the need to compete with Brittany for Austin's attention was the original reason that I began struggling with eating disorders. THAT situation was the grain that tipped the scale and thrusted me into a five year battle to regain the control I had once had. That is a wound that hits a nerve and always will, because eating disorders have controlled my life so throughly and has taken so long to recover from. I finally feel like I am completely okay with myself, but I am starting to feel like it is all being undone. Seeing this situation with Tyler, takes me right back to being that love-struck sixteen year-old girl clinging to anything to make Austin stay. It is hands down the most desperate feeling in the whole world. Loving someone but watching them and listening to them and seeing that they are in love with someone else in spite of the fact that they swear it is to the contrary. It literally gives me physical pain in my chest. I am so scared, because I feel compelled to do the same now as I did then: to compete. But I'm afraid it won't matter, because just as with Austin, I will not win. I will only get my heart broken.
Its kind of ridiculous for me to be as upset as I am, but I love Ty and I have been starting to let myself believe that he may FINALLY be the guy to love me right. After so much relationship drama and hurt, I am just ready to be happy. I do not know how much more hurt I can take before I give up on being love. I would like to think I am a decent person, who deserves to be loved whole-heartedly for the person that I am, but I am starting to feel like I will never be someone's number one. Always a poor man's someone.
Tyler told me from the beginning that he is "best friends" with a girl named Emily. I was cool with it, BUT then he told me that he had had a crush on her from grade school to high school and that "we could get married tomorrow and we would be happy forever". Even saying that I would probably hate hanging out with them, because I would be bugged by the way they acted. Best friends? Bullshit. That sounds like the girl who got away...the one that you want above all, but could not have so you settled for best friend. So what does that make me? Second choice? A poor man's Emily? This hurts me beyond words. Crushes my heart, because he says he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone yet the only reason he is not with Emily is because she did not want to be. I am demoralized beyond compare, because this is not the first time this has happened.
At the end of my relationship with Austin, he became "best friends" with a girl named Brittany. I was incredibly troubled by it, but Austin insisted that it was nothing. And what happened? Five days after we broke up, they were cuddling on the Marching Band bus. I spent the rest of that summer watching that heart wrenching relationship play out first hand as the Marching Band season went on. Words do not express what it is like to watch your first-love, ex boyfriend of over a year relationship move on to another girl in front of your eyes without batting a lash. All the while, trying desperately to win him back. Whatever it took- 3 hour work outs, religious calorie counting, 500 calories a day, no meat,twice a day workouts, alienating friends, six months of no period. Anything to get him back but failing. Now, you might say "boo-who get over it", but feeling the need to compete with Brittany for Austin's attention was the original reason that I began struggling with eating disorders. THAT situation was the grain that tipped the scale and thrusted me into a five year battle to regain the control I had once had. That is a wound that hits a nerve and always will, because eating disorders have controlled my life so throughly and has taken so long to recover from. I finally feel like I am completely okay with myself, but I am starting to feel like it is all being undone. Seeing this situation with Tyler, takes me right back to being that love-struck sixteen year-old girl clinging to anything to make Austin stay. It is hands down the most desperate feeling in the whole world. Loving someone but watching them and listening to them and seeing that they are in love with someone else in spite of the fact that they swear it is to the contrary. It literally gives me physical pain in my chest. I am so scared, because I feel compelled to do the same now as I did then: to compete. But I'm afraid it won't matter, because just as with Austin, I will not win. I will only get my heart broken.
Its kind of ridiculous for me to be as upset as I am, but I love Ty and I have been starting to let myself believe that he may FINALLY be the guy to love me right. After so much relationship drama and hurt, I am just ready to be happy. I do not know how much more hurt I can take before I give up on being love. I would like to think I am a decent person, who deserves to be loved whole-heartedly for the person that I am, but I am starting to feel like I will never be someone's number one. Always a poor man's someone.
The baggage that keeps on giving
Of all my regrets, I am beginning to believe that David Alan Harrold is hands down the biggest one. I learned ALOT from that relationship, but I am having a horrible time trying to stop the baggage of David from hindering my relationships after him. Clearly, he was a major factor in the ending of my relationship with Andrew, and now it is jepordizing my relationship with Ty.
Ty and I hung out again this weekend and for the most part, it was wonderful. I am trying to work really hard on not letting his womanizing past intimidate me (sidenote: we talked this weekend and he said that he only messed around with maybe five women. The 16 one night stands were get in get off get out situations. This makes me feel better). I also am trying to not let his close relationship with his best friend Emily to be a concern to me..despite the fact that he admits that he could marry her today and that they would be happy forever. I care about him so much, and I am really starting get some strong emotions involved. So where does David come in?
I have not talked to David in a month. And it was a three minute conversation. I have no interest in talking to him, because I am really over it. Being with Ty just opens my eyes to see there are men out there that are all the things I loved about David and more. He is not that best I can do and I see that now. This said, there is absolutely NO interest in my mind in being with him. Just as Kyle showed me all the things that made David special, Ty shows me how foolish I was to be stuck on a guy like him for so long. Ty is so genuine in everything. He may be a big, tough guy, but he has the heart of a young child: incredibly sensitive and the biggest sweetheart in the world. I adore him.
David reared his ugly head in the most unforunate time this weekend. Ty and I were messing around and somehow, David's name spilled in. I was beyond shocked. I felt like someone else had said it. As soon as it was said, Ty tensed up and I knew the damage had been done. With Ty's history of being cheated on, this was a particularly deep cut. He was so upset, and I absolutely do not blame him. With Andrew, I called him David all the time...and then I cheated on him. Super Duper. I feel so heartbroken right now. What kind of girlfriend says an Ex's name? I DO NOT WANT DAVID. At all. I want Ty more than words, but somehow David's name came out. How could this happen??
It kills me, because no matter where I go or what I do, David haunts me. After all the heartbroken tears, fears, broken hopes, and broken promises with David, I want to forget him forever. I honestly try not to think of him very often, because I know I would only grow hatred in my heart for him. I relate David to the lowest point of my existence. And now that I am with someone that I love and is good to me, it is beyond frustrating to see him ruin this relationship too. I fucked up my relationship with Andrew, because of David, and I have promised myself that I will NEVER be that girl again. By far the most pathetic and unhonorable period of my life, of which I am horribly ashamed. I had always looked at Ty as a fresh start with a relationship untied down by a history of past pains. But now I have put the first black mark on the relationship and I am devastated. I want SOOOO desperately to move on, but my mistakes keep following me.
Ty was very angry, but he has graciously forgiven me and has tried to put it behind us. His reaction only makes me feel worse. He is so kind to me in spite of my un-take-back-able, amazingly large fuck up. Ty does not believe that David was not in my mind at the time, but it is the God honest truth. My mind was with Ty and something in my brain triggered "David" not "Ty".
So clearly, the most prominent question is: WHYYYYYYY?
Naturualy, I have tried to sort this out in my mind, but I honestly NEVER thought it would happen. So this is what I can figure:
1. David was the first boy that I ever messed around with, and because of that and the fact that there was alot of emotion involved in that relationship I am bonded to him. If I was the type that put out with lots of guys, I don't think it would be the case, but David was the first of three. Ever. Messing around is more than just play to me. It means something and it forms a connection that can be incredibly strong. So since, 90% of my memories of messing around situations are with him, my inner mind still jumps to his name, because that is what it is most used to saying.
2. David and I had a very hard and long relationship. We may not have been technically together the whole time, but my heart was his and vice versa. The only thing that prevented us from being official was my stubborness in knowing that things would ultimately never work. With all these emotions buzzing around and David's unpredictable temper, a lot of hurt was dished out. But I loved him and stayed because a part of me held hope we would make it. That all the heartache would be worth it. But it wasn't and that is what breaks my heart most of all. After all those passionate break ups and make ups, it didn't even work. He broke my heart in an odd sense, because everything he promised me he would do, he did not. He promised HE would be my exception, that HE would prove my pessimistic beliefs around relationships wrong, and that HE would show me big guys aren't all bullies, when in the end, he only confirmed my worst fears beyond what I thought was possible. Ultimately, what I'm saying is that it is hard after being with someone for soo long to just completely forget that they existance.
So basically it is my history with David compounded by that fact that my relationship with him was such an emotional drain.
I want to be with Ty. And I would do anything to take back what I have said. I want to think it will never happen again, but this happening once scares me to death. If I lose Ty over this..i don't know what I would do.
Ty and I hung out again this weekend and for the most part, it was wonderful. I am trying to work really hard on not letting his womanizing past intimidate me (sidenote: we talked this weekend and he said that he only messed around with maybe five women. The 16 one night stands were get in get off get out situations. This makes me feel better). I also am trying to not let his close relationship with his best friend Emily to be a concern to me..despite the fact that he admits that he could marry her today and that they would be happy forever. I care about him so much, and I am really starting get some strong emotions involved. So where does David come in?
I have not talked to David in a month. And it was a three minute conversation. I have no interest in talking to him, because I am really over it. Being with Ty just opens my eyes to see there are men out there that are all the things I loved about David and more. He is not that best I can do and I see that now. This said, there is absolutely NO interest in my mind in being with him. Just as Kyle showed me all the things that made David special, Ty shows me how foolish I was to be stuck on a guy like him for so long. Ty is so genuine in everything. He may be a big, tough guy, but he has the heart of a young child: incredibly sensitive and the biggest sweetheart in the world. I adore him.
David reared his ugly head in the most unforunate time this weekend. Ty and I were messing around and somehow, David's name spilled in. I was beyond shocked. I felt like someone else had said it. As soon as it was said, Ty tensed up and I knew the damage had been done. With Ty's history of being cheated on, this was a particularly deep cut. He was so upset, and I absolutely do not blame him. With Andrew, I called him David all the time...and then I cheated on him. Super Duper. I feel so heartbroken right now. What kind of girlfriend says an Ex's name? I DO NOT WANT DAVID. At all. I want Ty more than words, but somehow David's name came out. How could this happen??
It kills me, because no matter where I go or what I do, David haunts me. After all the heartbroken tears, fears, broken hopes, and broken promises with David, I want to forget him forever. I honestly try not to think of him very often, because I know I would only grow hatred in my heart for him. I relate David to the lowest point of my existence. And now that I am with someone that I love and is good to me, it is beyond frustrating to see him ruin this relationship too. I fucked up my relationship with Andrew, because of David, and I have promised myself that I will NEVER be that girl again. By far the most pathetic and unhonorable period of my life, of which I am horribly ashamed. I had always looked at Ty as a fresh start with a relationship untied down by a history of past pains. But now I have put the first black mark on the relationship and I am devastated. I want SOOOO desperately to move on, but my mistakes keep following me.
Ty was very angry, but he has graciously forgiven me and has tried to put it behind us. His reaction only makes me feel worse. He is so kind to me in spite of my un-take-back-able, amazingly large fuck up. Ty does not believe that David was not in my mind at the time, but it is the God honest truth. My mind was with Ty and something in my brain triggered "David" not "Ty".
So clearly, the most prominent question is: WHYYYYYYY?
Naturualy, I have tried to sort this out in my mind, but I honestly NEVER thought it would happen. So this is what I can figure:
1. David was the first boy that I ever messed around with, and because of that and the fact that there was alot of emotion involved in that relationship I am bonded to him. If I was the type that put out with lots of guys, I don't think it would be the case, but David was the first of three. Ever. Messing around is more than just play to me. It means something and it forms a connection that can be incredibly strong. So since, 90% of my memories of messing around situations are with him, my inner mind still jumps to his name, because that is what it is most used to saying.
2. David and I had a very hard and long relationship. We may not have been technically together the whole time, but my heart was his and vice versa. The only thing that prevented us from being official was my stubborness in knowing that things would ultimately never work. With all these emotions buzzing around and David's unpredictable temper, a lot of hurt was dished out. But I loved him and stayed because a part of me held hope we would make it. That all the heartache would be worth it. But it wasn't and that is what breaks my heart most of all. After all those passionate break ups and make ups, it didn't even work. He broke my heart in an odd sense, because everything he promised me he would do, he did not. He promised HE would be my exception, that HE would prove my pessimistic beliefs around relationships wrong, and that HE would show me big guys aren't all bullies, when in the end, he only confirmed my worst fears beyond what I thought was possible. Ultimately, what I'm saying is that it is hard after being with someone for soo long to just completely forget that they existance.
So basically it is my history with David compounded by that fact that my relationship with him was such an emotional drain.
I want to be with Ty. And I would do anything to take back what I have said. I want to think it will never happen again, but this happening once scares me to death. If I lose Ty over this..i don't know what I would do.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Exacerbations
Here I sit in Sioux City as the newest renter at Glen Oaks Apartments. I moved in thursday and then spent the weekend with Ty. So far, Sioux City = relapses of various forms. In honor of my recently acquired career and my general addiction to nursing, we shall call them "exacerbations". I love that word.
Exacerbation #1: IBS
Naturally, with that added stress of moving to a new city and starting a career, my body has gone to shit. IBS like none other. I prophlatically (sorry for another nursing word) got a prescription of Bentyl (the med I had been on last summer)to head off my symptoms, but unfortunately, it only made them worse. It is so frustrating. After two years of struggling, I would really appreciate some consistent relief. If I don't figure things out soon, the doctors are going to make me get a colonscopy. I. Dont. Want. One. I just want to feel better. And it is especially annoying when I want to have Ty around. I hate feeling sick around him, but I don't know what I can do. Its so embarassing.
Exacerbation #2: Relationship
It seems like every time I start a relationship, there is always a certain amount of time in the beginning of it where I am incredibly insecure about everything. And with this go around, it is particularly bad: partly because I am crazy about it and partly because of Tyler's past. For whatever reason it is really hard to get past. This weekend, we had alot of time together. He wants to be close and preaches undying love and affection towards me, but I am still intimidated and therefore hesitant to believe him. I want to very badly, but I can not wrap my head around how I trump allllllll the women he has every been with. He has admitted to over 40 first kisses and 20 sex partners, so that means probably about 30 hookups in between. Thats a lot of women. Alot of loving. I dont know why I can't get past the comparisons in my mind, but I'm having a really hard time. The other night, we were messing around or whatever you want to call it and had to straight up stop. All I could think about was him being the exact same way with dozens and dozens of women. I made me feel sick and not up to par. I hate this feeling.
Exacerbation #1: IBS
Naturally, with that added stress of moving to a new city and starting a career, my body has gone to shit. IBS like none other. I prophlatically (sorry for another nursing word) got a prescription of Bentyl (the med I had been on last summer)to head off my symptoms, but unfortunately, it only made them worse. It is so frustrating. After two years of struggling, I would really appreciate some consistent relief. If I don't figure things out soon, the doctors are going to make me get a colonscopy. I. Dont. Want. One. I just want to feel better. And it is especially annoying when I want to have Ty around. I hate feeling sick around him, but I don't know what I can do. Its so embarassing.
Exacerbation #2: Relationship
It seems like every time I start a relationship, there is always a certain amount of time in the beginning of it where I am incredibly insecure about everything. And with this go around, it is particularly bad: partly because I am crazy about it and partly because of Tyler's past. For whatever reason it is really hard to get past. This weekend, we had alot of time together. He wants to be close and preaches undying love and affection towards me, but I am still intimidated and therefore hesitant to believe him. I want to very badly, but I can not wrap my head around how I trump allllllll the women he has every been with. He has admitted to over 40 first kisses and 20 sex partners, so that means probably about 30 hookups in between. Thats a lot of women. Alot of loving. I dont know why I can't get past the comparisons in my mind, but I'm having a really hard time. The other night, we were messing around or whatever you want to call it and had to straight up stop. All I could think about was him being the exact same way with dozens and dozens of women. I made me feel sick and not up to par. I hate this feeling.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Today is a big day. I am finally going to get rid all of David Harrold's things: every letter he ever wrote, every letter I wrote, every picture, and everything that reminds me of him. I don't want to bring ANY of his baggage with me to my new apartment and especially to my new relationship with Ty. I love him. He feels so different to me, and I never want to think about David Harrold again.
Below, I am posting the song "Love the Way You Lie" By Eminemin and Rihanna(sp?). This song perfectly sums up my relationship with David. When I listen to it, I use it as a reminder of how a loving relationship should NEVER be.
Below, I am posting the song "Love the Way You Lie" By Eminemin and Rihanna(sp?). This song perfectly sums up my relationship with David. When I listen to it, I use it as a reminder of how a loving relationship should NEVER be.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Deep Dark Secrets
Well, I did it. Somehow my conversation with Ty last night turned into the "deep dark secret" conversation. I really really wanted to talk to Ty about the cheating in person, because I know that it is something he is very sensitive to (since he was cheated on in a previous relationship). The best constilation way to talk about it was over skype, so we did.
Obviously, it was really hard to say. And especially hard to look at his face then I said it. It was his worst fear come true and I knew it. I care about him so much and I want him to be able to trust me, but I know I lost some of that with my confession. It breaks my heart, but thats the consequences I will always have to live with. Every relationship from here on out with be tainted by my bad decisions. He said that he still trusts me, but if it comes to a sticky situation, I know that this is going to come back and bite me. But I know that I did the right thing. The whole thing that slightly remedies the situation is to fess up and not do it EVER again. Which is my intentions.
In exchange for my "deep dark secret", Ty had to share one of his own: how many women he had slept with. I was honestly a little scared to hear. I had hear about Tyler Mouw long before we had started talking and his reputation was not that great. How I heard it, he was basically a womanizer-jumping from one to the next and just being a huge flirt. He was VERY hesitant to tell me, because he feels very badly about how he behaved and wishes that he could take them all back.
His Number:20
the breakdown:
4- girlfriends
16-one night stands
About a year ago, he was cheated on by his girlfriend. The month or so following the break up, he went a little crazy and tried to get with as many girls as he could, resulting in many, many one night stands. Since then, he hasn't hooked up with anyone.
So my thoughts: It makes me so sad. It breaks my heart to know that no matter what, if I ultimately end up with Ty, he did not make the sacrafice for me that I have made for him. I will be forever compared to every girl he has ever been with and it sucks, because I am naturally inclined to think that I am not good enough. I want to be able to be close with him, but knowing that he's been with that many women is very intimidating. He says that they didn't mean anything to him and I believe him, but that doesn't change the number. 20 is 20.
But can I really judge him for any of this? He had a very bad phase, just as I had one too. That's not who I am and that's not who he is. In order to receive forgiveness, I have to forgive. But I'm sure hurt.
Obviously, it was really hard to say. And especially hard to look at his face then I said it. It was his worst fear come true and I knew it. I care about him so much and I want him to be able to trust me, but I know I lost some of that with my confession. It breaks my heart, but thats the consequences I will always have to live with. Every relationship from here on out with be tainted by my bad decisions. He said that he still trusts me, but if it comes to a sticky situation, I know that this is going to come back and bite me. But I know that I did the right thing. The whole thing that slightly remedies the situation is to fess up and not do it EVER again. Which is my intentions.
In exchange for my "deep dark secret", Ty had to share one of his own: how many women he had slept with. I was honestly a little scared to hear. I had hear about Tyler Mouw long before we had started talking and his reputation was not that great. How I heard it, he was basically a womanizer-jumping from one to the next and just being a huge flirt. He was VERY hesitant to tell me, because he feels very badly about how he behaved and wishes that he could take them all back.
His Number:20
the breakdown:
4- girlfriends
16-one night stands
About a year ago, he was cheated on by his girlfriend. The month or so following the break up, he went a little crazy and tried to get with as many girls as he could, resulting in many, many one night stands. Since then, he hasn't hooked up with anyone.
So my thoughts: It makes me so sad. It breaks my heart to know that no matter what, if I ultimately end up with Ty, he did not make the sacrafice for me that I have made for him. I will be forever compared to every girl he has ever been with and it sucks, because I am naturally inclined to think that I am not good enough. I want to be able to be close with him, but knowing that he's been with that many women is very intimidating. He says that they didn't mean anything to him and I believe him, but that doesn't change the number. 20 is 20.
But can I really judge him for any of this? He had a very bad phase, just as I had one too. That's not who I am and that's not who he is. In order to receive forgiveness, I have to forgive. But I'm sure hurt.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Hello Real World.
"But only if I move to Sioux City"
In a very odd turn of events, it appears that my stipulation about dating Tyler has become true. I am now a proud employee of St. Luke's Regional Medical Center :D This is obviously a huge relief to me. I am FINALLY starting my life!! Home is great but I am more than ready to live by myself and be more independent.
I am moving on the 18th so this week pretty much consists of packing, getting an apartment, buying furniture and ten million other things. So much to do, but I am thrilled to death about the whole thing.
So with my stipulation fulfilled, Tyler and I are now an official couple. woot! Two weekends ago, I went down to visit him and meet his family. It was great to finally be in his physical presence after these weeks of just talking. We were able to spend quite a bit of time alone and I loved every minute of it. He is the most affectionate and funny man. And he has an uncanny ability of making me unbelievibly flustered! It happened this past weekend too, but everytime I see him for the first time, I get SOO nervous even though I know him really well. I guess that's just my body's way of showing my attraction toward him.
Tyler is a special one. He may be a little crazy and unaccomplished, but we have chemistry like none other. It kind of freaks me out. The only person I have felt head-over-heels in love with was Austin. Up until this point, I have wrote that feeling off as the product of young, immature love. Why would I think otherwise? I cared about David and Andrew very much, but I never felt like I could not get enough of them. With Tyler I love every single bit of his personality and I am falling incredibly hard. I so used to having all the control in my relationships that it is scarier than hell to know that he could hurt me if he wanted too. But if this is the price I have to pay for a deep connection with someone, I'm sure going to do it. With him, everything makes sense. Its like I had been living in a dating world of muted colors and now he has made the colors brighter, which makes me see so clearly what I had been missing out on with my other men.
With Tyler, there is no compulsion to have a wandering eye. He is absolutely the only man on my mind. When I was with Andrew I always thought about David and when I was with David, I always thought about Andrew. Hence, the cheating and being a player. I never want to be that girl again. I have throughly learned the lesson that if you have ever an tiny bit of emotion for another boy, you should not be in the relationship. So after pretty much six months of steady cheating/playing, it feel weird to only be interested in one guy. The thought of Andrew or David appauls me and they cross my mind very little.
This weekend was a huge test of my resolve in this whole honesty-to-the-relationsihp department. I went down for my interview on thrusday, meaning that I stayed the whole weekend to party. Thursday night, I went to thirsty thrusday and got trashed (Note: eight shots in twenty minutes is never a good idea). I came back to dordt and crashed, but unlike any other drinking weekend at Dordt, I didnt text, call, or see David. The thought never entered my mind, and when I was with Andrew it ALWAYS did and I often gave in. On monday night, I had my Andrew test. It was Ariel's 21st birthday so we all went out to the bar and Andrew was there. I was quite intoxicated when it was all said and done, and then Andrew drove me home. He did not know that I have a thing with another guy ,so i could have been all over him all night if I wanted to, but I didn't. Didn't touch him once- even on the way home. And i wasn't restraining myself. I didn't, because I didn't feel anything towards him.
Both of these events are SOO significant to me because:
1. It proves that I am genuinely over both of them
2. It shows to myself that I can be an honorable person in a relationship
3. It suggests that there is something different about my feelings for Ty. With David and Andrew, they always were missing a critical piece, but I feel like Ty is the full package, so I dont need to look to other guys to be fulfilled in the relationship.
I am so happy I had these oppertunities to test myself and that the result was what I wanted it to be. Ty is one in a million and I am so so happy.
My only problem is that I need to confess my previous transgressions to him. He hates cheating, so this will be the worse possible thing for me to have to confess to him. But I have to. I can't dedicate myself to a relationship fully unless all the cards are on the table. I want to genuine with him, but its going to be very difficult. God give me strength.
In a very odd turn of events, it appears that my stipulation about dating Tyler has become true. I am now a proud employee of St. Luke's Regional Medical Center :D This is obviously a huge relief to me. I am FINALLY starting my life!! Home is great but I am more than ready to live by myself and be more independent.
I am moving on the 18th so this week pretty much consists of packing, getting an apartment, buying furniture and ten million other things. So much to do, but I am thrilled to death about the whole thing.
So with my stipulation fulfilled, Tyler and I are now an official couple. woot! Two weekends ago, I went down to visit him and meet his family. It was great to finally be in his physical presence after these weeks of just talking. We were able to spend quite a bit of time alone and I loved every minute of it. He is the most affectionate and funny man. And he has an uncanny ability of making me unbelievibly flustered! It happened this past weekend too, but everytime I see him for the first time, I get SOO nervous even though I know him really well. I guess that's just my body's way of showing my attraction toward him.
Tyler is a special one. He may be a little crazy and unaccomplished, but we have chemistry like none other. It kind of freaks me out. The only person I have felt head-over-heels in love with was Austin. Up until this point, I have wrote that feeling off as the product of young, immature love. Why would I think otherwise? I cared about David and Andrew very much, but I never felt like I could not get enough of them. With Tyler I love every single bit of his personality and I am falling incredibly hard. I so used to having all the control in my relationships that it is scarier than hell to know that he could hurt me if he wanted too. But if this is the price I have to pay for a deep connection with someone, I'm sure going to do it. With him, everything makes sense. Its like I had been living in a dating world of muted colors and now he has made the colors brighter, which makes me see so clearly what I had been missing out on with my other men.
With Tyler, there is no compulsion to have a wandering eye. He is absolutely the only man on my mind. When I was with Andrew I always thought about David and when I was with David, I always thought about Andrew. Hence, the cheating and being a player. I never want to be that girl again. I have throughly learned the lesson that if you have ever an tiny bit of emotion for another boy, you should not be in the relationship. So after pretty much six months of steady cheating/playing, it feel weird to only be interested in one guy. The thought of Andrew or David appauls me and they cross my mind very little.
This weekend was a huge test of my resolve in this whole honesty-to-the-relationsihp department. I went down for my interview on thrusday, meaning that I stayed the whole weekend to party. Thursday night, I went to thirsty thrusday and got trashed (Note: eight shots in twenty minutes is never a good idea). I came back to dordt and crashed, but unlike any other drinking weekend at Dordt, I didnt text, call, or see David. The thought never entered my mind, and when I was with Andrew it ALWAYS did and I often gave in. On monday night, I had my Andrew test. It was Ariel's 21st birthday so we all went out to the bar and Andrew was there. I was quite intoxicated when it was all said and done, and then Andrew drove me home. He did not know that I have a thing with another guy ,so i could have been all over him all night if I wanted to, but I didn't. Didn't touch him once- even on the way home. And i wasn't restraining myself. I didn't, because I didn't feel anything towards him.
Both of these events are SOO significant to me because:
1. It proves that I am genuinely over both of them
2. It shows to myself that I can be an honorable person in a relationship
3. It suggests that there is something different about my feelings for Ty. With David and Andrew, they always were missing a critical piece, but I feel like Ty is the full package, so I dont need to look to other guys to be fulfilled in the relationship.
I am so happy I had these oppertunities to test myself and that the result was what I wanted it to be. Ty is one in a million and I am so so happy.
My only problem is that I need to confess my previous transgressions to him. He hates cheating, so this will be the worse possible thing for me to have to confess to him. But I have to. I can't dedicate myself to a relationship fully unless all the cards are on the table. I want to genuine with him, but its going to be very difficult. God give me strength.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Its a Boy Train!
I think it has been confirmed: I don't know how to be single.
I am simply unable.
Exhibit A:
1. At the end of the semester, David and I were pretty much a couple. We acted like it, but knew things were done at the end of the semester.
2. Upon returning to Waconia, Andrew and I started hanging out immediately. Things were going well..like I thought it could go somewhere. But, as always, there was something a little off with Andrew. I don't know how to explain it, but he has always been a difficult person to open up to; therefore, having a deep relationship is next to impossible. Even after seven months of more or less being together, it has not gotten better. It erked me alot, because I felt like a REAL connection shouldn't have to be worked for that hard. The height of this feeling happened at the very end of January..coincidently, I was going to a wedding in Iowa on that last weekend. I left for the trip with the understanding with Andrew that we were not a couple. Essentially, a hall pass. I'm not saying that was my intention, but thats pretty much what it turned into.
3. So I go to Iowa. First of all, the wedding was beautiful! Afterwards, there was a dance, which was pretty much just twenty-somethings drinking. So, I got pretty intoxicated. Not smashed but comfortably drunk. There were cute guys there and as a single lady, I will never turn down an offer to dance. So I did! The dude was frickin' cute..but I felt bad. Poor Andrew was oblivious, but I had made no promise and I wanted to have a good time.
The next day, I went to talk to David. And surprisingly, it went really well. For the first time, I can honestly say that I was not tempted by him at all..there was no attraction there. So I believe my David chapter is now over.
The next night, the girls and I decide to go down to Okiboji and hit up the bars. Carla's cousin Shane goes to school in Sioux Falls so him and a friend came down to party along with a few guys from upstairs. The night was awesome. The bars were packed and we danced and drank all night long. Once again, I got drunk, but again, I was not smashed. At the beginning of the night, I was dancing with this horrible 30-something stranger, so I begged Shane' friend, Tyler to save me. From that point on, Tyler and I were having a good time together..definitely hitting it off. I get a few more drinks in me and then we move onto the next bar. At this point, I am on the smashed side of things. Definitely not thinking clearly. So one of our boys, Craig starts dancing with me. He is pretty cute and definitely a chick magnet, so I was flattered he wanted to dance. All of a sudden, he starts kissing me. Afterwards, he moves onto the next girl and I go into a mild meltdown about how I have a crush on Craig. It was sooo stupid, because I really don't like him like him. I JUST thought he was cute...but alcohol makes people stupid. Tyler was the DD so needless to say, he say and understood the whole thing. I felt bad, because I knew he was into me, but i was kissing someone else.
The night was pretty much over at that point. At the last bar, Tyler and I started dancing again and after a while, I was like "what the hell" and we started to make out. When we got home, I passed out right away and then had to leave early the next day.
The next day, I got a text from Ty. He was clearly into me, but I wasn't so sure. In lay man's terms, he's a bad boy. Like the drinking, sex having, smoking, grain elevator working bad boy. After a while, we started to talk on the phone..and now I think I am falling for him. I may be a bad boy but he is amazingly easy to talk to and perhaps one of the funniest people I know. I love to talk to him, but I am still not sure if starting things with him would be a good idea. I am hoping to being working in Sioux City soon, and he is going to move to Sioux Falls, meaning that we would only be an hour apart. Its sooo tempting, because he seems like such a good time.
So there ya go, once I cut ties with David and count out Andrew, a new guy comes along who really wants to make something of us. I promised myself that I would be single for a while because of all the shit that went down in 2010. But Tyler is a fresh start. An oppertunity to date someone and be honorable- no cheating, no flirting. Just an honest relationship. I think I'm gonna give it a try. But ONLY if I move to Sioux City.
I fear.
I am simply unable.
Exhibit A:
1. At the end of the semester, David and I were pretty much a couple. We acted like it, but knew things were done at the end of the semester.
2. Upon returning to Waconia, Andrew and I started hanging out immediately. Things were going well..like I thought it could go somewhere. But, as always, there was something a little off with Andrew. I don't know how to explain it, but he has always been a difficult person to open up to; therefore, having a deep relationship is next to impossible. Even after seven months of more or less being together, it has not gotten better. It erked me alot, because I felt like a REAL connection shouldn't have to be worked for that hard. The height of this feeling happened at the very end of January..coincidently, I was going to a wedding in Iowa on that last weekend. I left for the trip with the understanding with Andrew that we were not a couple. Essentially, a hall pass. I'm not saying that was my intention, but thats pretty much what it turned into.
3. So I go to Iowa. First of all, the wedding was beautiful! Afterwards, there was a dance, which was pretty much just twenty-somethings drinking. So, I got pretty intoxicated. Not smashed but comfortably drunk. There were cute guys there and as a single lady, I will never turn down an offer to dance. So I did! The dude was frickin' cute..but I felt bad. Poor Andrew was oblivious, but I had made no promise and I wanted to have a good time.
The next day, I went to talk to David. And surprisingly, it went really well. For the first time, I can honestly say that I was not tempted by him at all..there was no attraction there. So I believe my David chapter is now over.
The next night, the girls and I decide to go down to Okiboji and hit up the bars. Carla's cousin Shane goes to school in Sioux Falls so him and a friend came down to party along with a few guys from upstairs. The night was awesome. The bars were packed and we danced and drank all night long. Once again, I got drunk, but again, I was not smashed. At the beginning of the night, I was dancing with this horrible 30-something stranger, so I begged Shane' friend, Tyler to save me. From that point on, Tyler and I were having a good time together..definitely hitting it off. I get a few more drinks in me and then we move onto the next bar. At this point, I am on the smashed side of things. Definitely not thinking clearly. So one of our boys, Craig starts dancing with me. He is pretty cute and definitely a chick magnet, so I was flattered he wanted to dance. All of a sudden, he starts kissing me. Afterwards, he moves onto the next girl and I go into a mild meltdown about how I have a crush on Craig. It was sooo stupid, because I really don't like him like him. I JUST thought he was cute...but alcohol makes people stupid. Tyler was the DD so needless to say, he say and understood the whole thing. I felt bad, because I knew he was into me, but i was kissing someone else.
The night was pretty much over at that point. At the last bar, Tyler and I started dancing again and after a while, I was like "what the hell" and we started to make out. When we got home, I passed out right away and then had to leave early the next day.
The next day, I got a text from Ty. He was clearly into me, but I wasn't so sure. In lay man's terms, he's a bad boy. Like the drinking, sex having, smoking, grain elevator working bad boy. After a while, we started to talk on the phone..and now I think I am falling for him. I may be a bad boy but he is amazingly easy to talk to and perhaps one of the funniest people I know. I love to talk to him, but I am still not sure if starting things with him would be a good idea. I am hoping to being working in Sioux City soon, and he is going to move to Sioux Falls, meaning that we would only be an hour apart. Its sooo tempting, because he seems like such a good time.
So there ya go, once I cut ties with David and count out Andrew, a new guy comes along who really wants to make something of us. I promised myself that I would be single for a while because of all the shit that went down in 2010. But Tyler is a fresh start. An oppertunity to date someone and be honorable- no cheating, no flirting. Just an honest relationship. I think I'm gonna give it a try. But ONLY if I move to Sioux City.
I fear.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
decisions decisions
There is nothing quite so humbling as learning the true insignificance of your own existence. It is that moment of self-reflection in which a person looks back at the experiences and adventures that forms their life and realizes that they have not really done or seen anything beyond their bubble of home. Have I changed anyone's life? Have a saved someone? Have I marveled at life? Essentially, have I fulfilled my purpose?
I am so sick of feeling stuck in my own life. I want to do and see so many great things, but i am petrified to try. For the first time in my life, I truly have to power to direct my own destiny, but my too afraid to take a chance. For the past several weeks, I have been vigorously job searching throughout the midwest looking for possible RN positions. Every search leaves me horribly disheartened. They all want at least a year of experience or a BSN..neither of which I possess. Nursing is supposed have so many opportunities, but yet here I am struggling to find a position.
The fear comes in when I consider moving away from home. I have found jobs in other cities, but they are far away from Minnesota. I would LOVE to go to a new city and start fresh, but I am scared to do it alone. What if I get there and can only think about home? There is nothing worse than feeling alone and scared shitless. The first year you are a nurse is supposed to be the most stressful and belittling experience. There is a very steep learning curve in the first year, which leaves most new nurses feeling like they are completely incompetent. I don't know if I will be able to handle it, let alone in a new city. But at the same time, I don't think staying in my comfort zone is necessarily right either. Maybe I just need to be brave this time.
But that is the struggle: what is the different between settling and being smart? I don't want to look back at my life and wish that I had taken a leap when I had the chance.
blahhhhhh. I hate this. period.
I am so sick of feeling stuck in my own life. I want to do and see so many great things, but i am petrified to try. For the first time in my life, I truly have to power to direct my own destiny, but my too afraid to take a chance. For the past several weeks, I have been vigorously job searching throughout the midwest looking for possible RN positions. Every search leaves me horribly disheartened. They all want at least a year of experience or a BSN..neither of which I possess. Nursing is supposed have so many opportunities, but yet here I am struggling to find a position.
The fear comes in when I consider moving away from home. I have found jobs in other cities, but they are far away from Minnesota. I would LOVE to go to a new city and start fresh, but I am scared to do it alone. What if I get there and can only think about home? There is nothing worse than feeling alone and scared shitless. The first year you are a nurse is supposed to be the most stressful and belittling experience. There is a very steep learning curve in the first year, which leaves most new nurses feeling like they are completely incompetent. I don't know if I will be able to handle it, let alone in a new city. But at the same time, I don't think staying in my comfort zone is necessarily right either. Maybe I just need to be brave this time.
But that is the struggle: what is the different between settling and being smart? I don't want to look back at my life and wish that I had taken a leap when I had the chance.
blahhhhhh. I hate this. period.
Monday, January 10, 2011
David, Andrew, Repeat.
David is about as inconsistant as they get; however, I can always depend on one thing with him. That when things were going good, they will never go good for long. Meaning that even though things are all love and devotion at the moment, they can flip within the hour.
As we had decided, we did not talk during the beginning of Christmas Break. We both knew that we needed to grow apart to ever have a prayer in heaven of things working out in the long run. Because the truth is that I love him. However wrong and messed up that is..I do. I left Dordt hoping that if I just gave him four or five years, he would grow up and figure his life out. I have so little confidence in his ability to proritize and be responsible that I thought seeing him graduate from college and hold down a full-time job would inspire some confidence in him.
I cried for weeks and weeks. Absolutely heartbroken, in a way I hadn't been since I was sixteen. Some might not understand it, but I think my relationship with him is almost worst than a normal break up. I have been involved with him for near two years with so many break ups and make ups. The emotional investment was so great that finally seeing it fail for good was devastating. Its like watching a loved one titter on the brink of death for a year straight. Standing through the emotional roller coaster of encouragement followed by disappointment time after time and then finally watching them die unexpectedly after all that effort had been put into saving them.
David finally broken the silence on Christmas Day by wishing me a Merry Christmas. I can honestly say that I have never been so happy to receive a simple text. Who knew a holiday tiding could evoke such tears? From then on, we talked pretty regularly. Texting and calling casual almost every day. As always, we were flirty and acted like we were together..we don't really know how to do it any other way. But like I mentioned before, the good times were short lived. Throughout this time, I was also spending alot of time with Andrew. David had been seeing another girl, too, so it was understood that being with other people was okay. David was clearly bugged by me seeing Andrew, and eventually that turned into him demanding that I not hang out with other guys and never drink again. And why, in his mind, was it okay to ask this things of me? Because I am his "future wife" and those are not things that he wants his girl to be doing.
Clearly, I thought these requests were rediculous. There is NO garentee that even if we did get back together than then relationship would work; therefore, if i complied to his request, I would be waiting around for YEARS, not dating, waiting for a relationship that may or may not work. Rediculous. And the drinking? He makes me sounds like a drunk. Yah, I had fun this past semester, but it was my last semester as a "kid" and I was twenty-one, so damnit, I'm gonna have a drink. After that conversation, I was once again reminded of how delusional, emotional, and irrational David Harold is. He finished the convo with: "goodbye, I don't want to talk to you for a long time". He beat me to the punch. I was right there with him.
Basically, I'm done. When I look at all the pro's and con's to being with him, the con's are simply too large and in important areas: maturity, emotional stability, self-confidence. These are things that can easily ruin a marriage, and at this point, that is what I need to aim for. I can not ride the fence in this relationship anymore. It has to be all in or all out from now on. If I can't marry the guy, I am out. Thank God I am at home now. I am taking my NCLEX in three days, and after that, only God knows were I will be. Minnesota? South Datoka? Wisconsin? Washington? Georgia? Anything is a possibility right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stay is Andrew. I had coffee with him around Thanksgiving time, and things went really well, so I came home for break hoping that we could get to know each other again, hoping that he had reformed some of his ways: less needy, less over the top, and less cocky. At first, everything was going good...except the cockiness. He was always saying ego-tripping comments, and it was driving me insane. There is NO bigger turn of than that. So eventually, I just straight up told him that he was cocky and that I was annoyed. Apparently, he was really unaware than he was doing it, and since that, it hasn't been an issue.
Since everything has ended with David, I am really considering giving Andrew a second chance. A major part of the reason I broke up with Andrew in October was because I felt like the chemistry between us wasn't right. When I compared it to the chemistry David and I had, it was below par by a long shot. But time and seeing that David is definitely not right for me in spite of the chemistry has shown me that maybe chemistry might take more time to develop in some relationships. David and I had two years to develop ours. I only gave Andrew a few months.
Over this break, I have also been reading a book called "On Love". The author is absolutely phenomenal and so insightful to the dynamics and realities of love and relationships. One of my favorite quotes from his book is this:
"My mistake was to confuse a destiny to love with a destiny to love a given person. It was the error of thinking that Chloe (his lover), rather than love, was inevitable.
I need to stop looking at my "true love" as a single, unique puzzle piece. Prince charming is completely in the eye of the beholder, meaning that love is learned, not miraculous found at first sight.
In the end, I am trying to learn to love what is good for me rather than solely listen to my heart. Andrew is responsible, kind, funny,affectionate, considerate, focused, mature, and he loves me. It is worth the effort to give him a chance again.
As we had decided, we did not talk during the beginning of Christmas Break. We both knew that we needed to grow apart to ever have a prayer in heaven of things working out in the long run. Because the truth is that I love him. However wrong and messed up that is..I do. I left Dordt hoping that if I just gave him four or five years, he would grow up and figure his life out. I have so little confidence in his ability to proritize and be responsible that I thought seeing him graduate from college and hold down a full-time job would inspire some confidence in him.
I cried for weeks and weeks. Absolutely heartbroken, in a way I hadn't been since I was sixteen. Some might not understand it, but I think my relationship with him is almost worst than a normal break up. I have been involved with him for near two years with so many break ups and make ups. The emotional investment was so great that finally seeing it fail for good was devastating. Its like watching a loved one titter on the brink of death for a year straight. Standing through the emotional roller coaster of encouragement followed by disappointment time after time and then finally watching them die unexpectedly after all that effort had been put into saving them.
David finally broken the silence on Christmas Day by wishing me a Merry Christmas. I can honestly say that I have never been so happy to receive a simple text. Who knew a holiday tiding could evoke such tears? From then on, we talked pretty regularly. Texting and calling casual almost every day. As always, we were flirty and acted like we were together..we don't really know how to do it any other way. But like I mentioned before, the good times were short lived. Throughout this time, I was also spending alot of time with Andrew. David had been seeing another girl, too, so it was understood that being with other people was okay. David was clearly bugged by me seeing Andrew, and eventually that turned into him demanding that I not hang out with other guys and never drink again. And why, in his mind, was it okay to ask this things of me? Because I am his "future wife" and those are not things that he wants his girl to be doing.
Clearly, I thought these requests were rediculous. There is NO garentee that even if we did get back together than then relationship would work; therefore, if i complied to his request, I would be waiting around for YEARS, not dating, waiting for a relationship that may or may not work. Rediculous. And the drinking? He makes me sounds like a drunk. Yah, I had fun this past semester, but it was my last semester as a "kid" and I was twenty-one, so damnit, I'm gonna have a drink. After that conversation, I was once again reminded of how delusional, emotional, and irrational David Harold is. He finished the convo with: "goodbye, I don't want to talk to you for a long time". He beat me to the punch. I was right there with him.
Basically, I'm done. When I look at all the pro's and con's to being with him, the con's are simply too large and in important areas: maturity, emotional stability, self-confidence. These are things that can easily ruin a marriage, and at this point, that is what I need to aim for. I can not ride the fence in this relationship anymore. It has to be all in or all out from now on. If I can't marry the guy, I am out. Thank God I am at home now. I am taking my NCLEX in three days, and after that, only God knows were I will be. Minnesota? South Datoka? Wisconsin? Washington? Georgia? Anything is a possibility right now.
The only thing that makes me want to stay is Andrew. I had coffee with him around Thanksgiving time, and things went really well, so I came home for break hoping that we could get to know each other again, hoping that he had reformed some of his ways: less needy, less over the top, and less cocky. At first, everything was going good...except the cockiness. He was always saying ego-tripping comments, and it was driving me insane. There is NO bigger turn of than that. So eventually, I just straight up told him that he was cocky and that I was annoyed. Apparently, he was really unaware than he was doing it, and since that, it hasn't been an issue.
Since everything has ended with David, I am really considering giving Andrew a second chance. A major part of the reason I broke up with Andrew in October was because I felt like the chemistry between us wasn't right. When I compared it to the chemistry David and I had, it was below par by a long shot. But time and seeing that David is definitely not right for me in spite of the chemistry has shown me that maybe chemistry might take more time to develop in some relationships. David and I had two years to develop ours. I only gave Andrew a few months.
Over this break, I have also been reading a book called "On Love". The author is absolutely phenomenal and so insightful to the dynamics and realities of love and relationships. One of my favorite quotes from his book is this:
"My mistake was to confuse a destiny to love with a destiny to love a given person. It was the error of thinking that Chloe (his lover), rather than love, was inevitable.
I need to stop looking at my "true love" as a single, unique puzzle piece. Prince charming is completely in the eye of the beholder, meaning that love is learned, not miraculous found at first sight.
In the end, I am trying to learn to love what is good for me rather than solely listen to my heart. Andrew is responsible, kind, funny,affectionate, considerate, focused, mature, and he loves me. It is worth the effort to give him a chance again.
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